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Not attracted to DH - only recently married. What to do?

(27 Posts)
Beaverfeaver Mon 29-Oct-12 02:40:28

We have been married 4 months but together much longer. Don't have children.

I am no longer attracted to him.

Since getting together he has put on a lot if weight and drinks a lot and is lazy with exercise.

He is great in mist other ways and takes care of me, is kind and can be quite loving (not that I want to reciprocate at the moment)

I don't know what to do.
I am finding myself becoming attracted to other men and getting silly crushes.

I know it sounds ever so shallow, but i am sure it's just the way he has let himself go that has turned me off.

Last year he made a bit if an effort to get a bit healthier, but as soon as wedding was done he hasn't done any exercise and is always making excuses as to why he can't (weather etc)

His friends have noticed and comment on it (relativky tactfully), most are very into fitness and have all offered to help him get into shape, but he says he's not interested.

I think they all notice that I have lost interest in him sexually as the chemistry just isn't there anymore.

I have always had quite a high libido and used to get frustrated if we didn't have sex often, but now I am glad we don't as I don't think I could go through with it as without that attraction, I find it a complete turn off.

Is our relationship salvageable or are we doomed?

I dot want to hurt his feelings and tell him he has to lose weight or lose me, as that sounds rediculous and he will most likely end up resenting me, but I don't see how to carry on in what inevitably will lead to a loveless marriage.

Oh and to add, I was hoping we would start thinking about children next year, but can't even contemplate tht with him now

OpheliaPayneAgain Mon 29-Oct-12 06:14:55

Why did you marry him? What you describe is longer than a 4 month turn off.

Numberlock Mon 29-Oct-12 06:18:10

Do him a favour and divorce him so he can find someone who loves him for him.

CogitoEerilySpooky Mon 29-Oct-12 06:19:42

He can't have gone from hero to zero in the space of 4 months. hmm But to answer your question directly, if you don't think there's a future in the relationship, you're already looking outside, and if you don't think he's going to go back to being the buff, active chap that you would prefer, then the best way to proceed is to tell him quickly, start organising the separation and get out of the marriage. He'll be very hurt, there's no getting away with that. However, if you drag it out sticking around tolerating the man or expecting him to change... that would simply be cruel.

Timetoask Mon 29-Oct-12 06:21:35

You need to be honest with him. And end your marriage if things don't improve. Please Don't have children in the meantime.

Beaverfeaver Mon 29-Oct-12 08:34:10

In the past 4 months he has starts drinking heavily and isn't great to be around.

It really has all changed in 4 months.

Other than not being attracted to him and not liking the drinking I do still love him, but it seems to have gone into a more sort of family love.

joblot Mon 29-Oct-12 08:42:15

Sounds like mutual dislike- maybe thats wby he's drinking so much? Only option is to talk. No magic bullet

CogitoEerilySpooky Mon 29-Oct-12 08:54:53

If you still love him you definitely need to talk. Has the finality/enormity of marriage come as a bit of a shock to either of you? Are there other stresses that you are unaware of? Job insecurity? Money? 'Kind, loving' people don't suddenly start drinking heavily for no reason.

Beaverfeaver Mon 29-Oct-12 09:11:17

My job is not secure. He hates his job and is looking but not having much luck. No money worries though.
He started drinking a bit when it got close to wedding but he put it down to stress of wedding and said it would be fine after, which its obviously not.

I just don't like seeing him wreck himself like this and I know he feels bd about the way he has got as is sensitive about clothes not fitting etc.

My dad has been alcoholic for over 25 years so I know what happens and I never want him to be like that

OneMoreChap Mon 29-Oct-12 09:20:06

Dear $DEITY.

"I'm not attracted to my wife anymore since we married. She's lost her figure and is drinking wine. I'm looking at other women. I'm no longer sexually attracted to her. She wanted children, but I can't contemplate that with someone who looks like that".

Listen to yourself, FFS. If you heard a man saying that, what would you think?

That's what I'm hearing.

Most drinkers drink for a reason; they also have to recognise they have a problem.

Being married to someone who is blinded by a person's look might not cheer him up much.

UltraBOF Mon 29-Oct-12 09:24:20

It was obviously a mistake (for both of you). No, it's not salvageable.

CogitoEerilySpooky Mon 29-Oct-12 09:25:58

Could you possibly look past the change in body-shape and help the guy work out whatever has happened in the last few months to turn him into a heavy drinker instead? I'm really not in favour of 'sticking with it' just because there's a ring on your finger but this sounds like such a recent problem that there has to be something fairly serious behind it and people who love each other are meant to act as support... not kick the guy when he's down. You never know, maybe he realises he's made a mistake marrying you as well?.... but didn't want to say anything, spoil the wedding, waste all that money etc.

OpheliaPayneAgain Mon 29-Oct-12 09:30:03

I'd say you were in love with the idea of a wedding and he felt railroaded into going through with it - hence upping the drinking before the wedding.

I think you need to have a frank and open discussion about your expectations from the relationship, mariage and whether you actually like each other enough to give it a go. How long have you actually been together and how old are you both?

mercibucket Mon 29-Oct-12 09:31:23

Gosh, not often you read a post like this in relationships. Do him a favour and start divorce proceedings before you ruin his self-esteem. It doesn't sound like there's been a deep love there for you to turn away so quickly.

mercibucket Mon 29-Oct-12 09:31:23

Gosh, not often you read a post like this in relationships. Do him a favour and start divorce proceedings before you ruin his self-esteem. It doesn't sound like there's been a deep love there for you to turn away so quickly.

larrygrylls Mon 29-Oct-12 09:39:06

I think, although the OP sounds a bit self centred, people should give her a bit of a break. Alcohol abuse can add weight quickly and all the issues around it would be a huge turn off for someone with an alcoholic father. I do also think that big weight gain/loss is the same as changing in any other respect. You married one person and ended up with another. If we are talking small amounts of weight, it is shallow. However, not everyone is attracted to someone who is obese, for instance.

I do think you need to be honest with him. Focus on the drink and fitness, rather than the weight itself. And, if he has no interest in turning it around, I think you at least need to temporarily separate.

Beaverfeaver Mon 29-Oct-12 10:43:10

It's nt small amounts of weight. He has dark purple stretch marks all over his belly now.
Living with a drunk isn't great.
He is generally very negative to be around at the moment due to hating his job so much.
We have been together over 12 years and we are 27 years old

OpheliaPayneAgain Mon 29-Oct-12 10:56:20

I'm sorry, but no way can you put that amount of weight on in 4 months without a medical reason behind it. Thyroid, diabetes, Cushings Syndrome, heart disease, medication its self (ok, so a perpetual diet of high calorie food and alcohol will contribute but it will not be the sole cause.)

I'd have him off to the docs for an MOT becasue he doesnt sound a well man. I can tell you that, my Dh has heart problems, diabetes and he put on a phenomenal amount of weight due to the medication - mind you it took longer than 4 months.

Beaverfeaver Mon 29-Oct-12 11:02:04

I know I am being so shallow. I am obviously a terrible person who he doesn't deserve. I just expected to at least have some sort of honeymoon period, I wih we had just stayed as we were now

MyDonkeysAZombie Mon 29-Oct-12 11:23:33

If you have been together that long I don't think it sounds as if you just got caught up in wedding fever and now after it's all gone normal and flat, you can't be bothered. Lots of relationships lose some spark over time but that doesn't mean you just bail at the first dent in chemistry!

I do think you have a responsibility to him to question whether he's depressed. If he has started drinking heavily and generally let himself go, prove you are neither shallow nor self centred, get him to a GP instead of pondering whether you still fancy him. You say you do love and care about him, okay so now's the time to find out what has brought this on. You might not be responsible, you can't fix it without him acknowledging things aren't as they should be, but put on your Big Girl pants and get him to the doctor's for starters.

3mily Mon 29-Oct-12 11:27:40

I don't know what to say about the drinking.

Couldn't you ask him to go swimming/gym/running with you as you would like an exercise buddy? Make it something you both do together? It would give you time together when he is not drinking to talk and also help with fitness.

Charbon Mon 29-Oct-12 11:30:18

What ever your reasons, this must be quite frightening to you so soon after your wedding.

I think that when we are frightened, we all have a tendency to project outwards and find external reasons for our changed feelings.

I think it might be more interesting if you looked inwards at the changes in you and not your new husband. From your OP, you've been in a relationship with him since you were 15.

It's possible that you're both experiencing feelings of "This Is It Now" and having some understandable regrets that all your opportunities for romantic adventures with others are forever closed.

It's possible that he is self-harming and making himself unhealthy and unattractive in order to cope with that.

And you're trying to find reasons in him for your new feelings, instead of within yourself.

LFARAJ Mon 29-Oct-12 11:36:20

Well, If you love him, and if, as you have said, he loves you, than you have all the power to help him change. Talk to him that about your feelings, tactfully of course, and tell him that you don't want him to get ill, becuase this will break you heart and you can't bear seeing what the drink does to him.
Did you ever love him, for himself?

ClippedPhoenix Mon 29-Oct-12 11:36:21

Sometimes taking things to the next stage, ie. marriage in your case and once it's all over, is the catalyst that tells you it was the wrong thing to do. It seems both of you feel like this.

You now need to have a very honest and frank conversation for both your sakes and probably part.

Do not, for god sake, brush this under the carpet and go for the next stage, ie. having children.

Narked Mon 29-Oct-12 11:45:21

You've been together 12 years and married for 4 months. This isn't a recent thing is it? You sound like you've had issues with him for a long time. Did you think his pre wedding lifestyle changes were a new start? Did you think getting married would make things better?

If it was just about weight I'd say you sound like a shallow, unpleasant person. As it's about drinking and, given your family background, I think you need to address this with him properly. A wedding doesn't make troubled relationships better - it can actually make them worse, because, after all the fuss is over, things are just as bad.

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