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getting help/someone to talk to

(15 Posts)
desparatelyseekingsomething Sun 28-Oct-12 20:08:40

I want to talk to someone about how I feel (I think that I may be in an emotionally/verbally abusive relationship) but don't know who to. I feel a bit of a fraud (he is not physically violent - just shouts and swears at me most days - I'm not sure how normal this is). I've looked at Woman's Aid but they seemed to mainly run hostels. I have thought about finding a counsellor but want one that is able to understand how I feel - as it is a succession of minor things I am afraid that I'll just be told to grow up and stop whining). Any suggestions would be welcomed - I'm in the NE near Leeds.

NeedlesCuties Sun 28-Oct-12 20:18:36

Women's Aid have loads more services than hostels (or refuges). They run courses, do awareness raising and will have someone to talk to you if you ring a local office, or drop into a local office. NOt just for those in violent situations.

I don't know anything about your area though, I'm in another part of UK, but hopefully someone local to you comes on this thread.

What is it about your DP which makes you think he's emotionally abusive?

desparatelyseekingsomething Sun 28-Oct-12 21:14:47

He shouts at me frequently (daily at the moment - sometimes in a "telling off" kind of way - eg this morning I noticed the paperwork had piled up again and asked if we could talk about the paperwork - we were not arguing or anything at the time - and he shouted "f**k off, f**k off, I'm sick to death of your attitude" etc and threw bits of paperwork at me). Then 10 minutes later he is fine - as if nothing has happened. He has always done this - I used to ask him to apologise and tell him that I hated being shouted at etc but I've given up mentioning it. However it is becoming more frequent and I really do not like it.

He puts me down continually - lots of back handed complements - things like "we don't need condoms now, you're far too old to get pregnant" (I'm mid forties and this just came out of the blue).

He makes it very difficult for me to see/have friends and is similar with children - I have to really fight quite hard for them to be allowed to go to parties etc (he gets annoyed and says that it wreaks the weekend as we cannot then go out for the day).

I have started to work again and need to travel. He is worrying me in his increasing insistence in knowing when I leave, how long it takes me to get back, have I stopped anywhere - it is 250 miles each way so I usually stop for a coffee (sometimes for a nap grin if I'm tired) etc but he doesn't like me doing this. He doesn't like me staying over and keeps saying that he would just commute in a day.

Any attempt on my part to discuss anything domestic or relationship related results in his either shouting and swearing or completely blanking me.

When I try to talk to him about anything - eg something in the news say, he often says things like "okay, say what you've got to say" and then I get no reply. If I ask for one he will say that he hasn't got anything to say - I've tried saying that I just want him to say "um" or similar - just to indicate that he actually heard me but he will not. Often if he asks me something and I reply I also get nothing - if I ask him why he is silent he says things like "I've got the information that I need so why would I say any more".

He doesn't seem to like me much sad. He cooks breakfast each weekend for himself and the kids but will not do any for me (I do all the cooking except for this - I would really love him to occasionally cook something for me - I have even tried doing things like buying ready meals on my birthday and asking him if he could just heat them up but he will not even do that.)

izzyizin Sun 28-Oct-12 21:38:01

In what way does this man enhance your life and the lives of your dc?

Don't you think you deserve better than being treated like dirt in front of your children?

What do you think your dc are learning about relationships from their dps' example?

Clue: if anyone needs to 'grow up and stop whining' it ain't you.

Jellykat Sun 28-Oct-12 22:45:02

You definitely need support, from what you're saying, this is abuse. And no, you're not a fraud - abuse is not just physical.

Please join this thread, i think you'll find it useful.

Womens Aid is not just about refuges, and there will be one in your area with someone to talk to.. please contact them, what you're going through is not normal, and really upsetting to read as someone who has been through it.

You deserve better x

desparatelyseekingsomething Sun 28-Oct-12 22:46:30

In what way does this man enhance your life and the lives of your dc?

I don't think that he currently enhances my life at all. I don't think that I realised how oppressed I felt, or how much he was putting me down, until I started work and realised just how different adult-adult interaction can be. A big thing I think is that at work I can make mistakes (am new grin) whereas at home I tend to get shouted at if I make a mistake.

However he is the children's father, he plays with them, buys them stuff etc. I know that the stuff is unimportant but I don't think that they do - the boys in particular have become very used to having all the latest games etc which I couldn't afford to do if we split up as I earn about half what he does. So I am worried that he would want and get primary custody of the children and/or would turn them against me. That is the scary thing - he will use the children against me - he already involves them in arguments, will try to get them to take sides etc.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Sun 28-Oct-12 22:58:21

you are in an abusive relationship

seek help from a family solicitor to find out your rights

you will find they are better than you think

he will not get full custody, and he will be forced to provide for his children

they may not have the latest I-Pad 5, but they will have a happier mother if you were to split

as it stands your boys are being disadvantaged, because they are learning damaging lessons for both of you....from him how to disrespect women, from you to swallow it for the sake of being in a relationship

it's not good

Jellykat Sun 28-Oct-12 23:05:50

I understand what you're saying OP, but as MF has said - his behaviour will be affecting your DC too, if nothing else he's teaching them that his behaviour is acceptable as a footprint for their relationships when they're older... sad

desparatelyseekingsomething Sun 28-Oct-12 23:59:03

I think that you are right but I am not sure - I keep thinking that it is me - that I should be a better mother/partner etc. And that the children would resent me for ever for wrecking everything. Sometimes it feels as if they are all I have - the only people who do really like me and so I am scared that they will also hate me if I leave their daddy

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Mon 29-Oct-12 00:08:22

love, have you read all the threads from women who wished they had got out years before ?

you hardly ever see women congratulating themselves for staying in a shit relationship for the sake of the children

it just doesn't work like that

children know and they learn damaging lessons from it

desparatelyseekingsomething Mon 29-Oct-12 10:46:21

I think that my problem is how to get out - both emotionally and practically (hence the need to talk to someone).

I feel like I've been trying to "fix" the relationship for years. When we had our daughter (12 years ago) oh stopped wanting to go out with me without dd - ever. In the first 7 years we went on 2 of his works dos (at my insistence) without the children but he really objected (we rowed loads about it) and even then we were with his work colleagues. We never had a meal out together, etc. We didn't even have time in together as one or more children was always up.

I'd keep trying to arrange things, talk to him about how relationships needed time together etc. He'd always agree that I was right, agree to go out next month or something and then it would never happen.

I'm finding it hard to really believe that I can't fix the relationship somehow.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Mon 29-Oct-12 11:09:06

You can't fix it on your own, love

That is the hard truth of the matter. You are using up valuable emotional energy flogging that proverbial dead horse

Imagine if you saved up all the effort you are putting into this cold man, and put it into yourself. You would have left long ago. Don't stay another X number of years, knowing that things won't improve.

desparatelyseekingsomething Mon 29-Oct-12 11:44:41

Don't stay another X number of years, knowing that things won't improve. I think that convincing myself that this is something that I know is the problem.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Mon 29-Oct-12 11:55:32

You say yourself that things have been bad for years

What incentive is there for change

The status quo suits him, obviously

he isn't going to change, so you have to

Or accept that this is your lot

struwelpeter Mon 29-Oct-12 12:11:44

Contact your local WA - guessing there will be one in Leeds? Ask if they have counsellors or have a list of those who understand abuse in all its forms. Or talk to Respect who do courses for abusers and do know all the ways in which abuse manifests itself.
You are being worn down by the way he treats you and so the problems can seem insurmountable. It's horrible the situation you are in. I was there too with occasional physical violence and I thought I could fix it. Now I count the things I can do with my DCs and the friends I have round, places we go and fun we have.
I'm not going to say it's easy - MN and friends have been my support, but eventually it will be so much better. You can't stop him behaving as he does so make this Halloween the time you work out that the demon is him not you.

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