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I've done a bad thing

(163 Posts)
winnietheplop Sun 28-Oct-12 20:05:24

I've namechanged. If you do recognise my posting style please do not out me as their are people that I know on here in RL.

My relationship with DH hasn't been happy for years. We no longer have anything in common and I haven't loved him in a long time.

Against all advice on here and from friends, I have stayed in the relationship because of the children and tbh, because it's easier.

I recently went on a rare night out and ended up kissing a friend.
I feel awful that I behaved in that way.
DH doesn't know and I don't know whether to tell him.

At the moment he's being fantastic by supporting me through my studies. But he deserves to be more than childcare. My children deserve more and I deserve more.

I'm being selfish.

MolotovBomb Sun 28-Oct-12 20:10:32

There's no need to tell him about the kiss, but you need to listed to your feelings. Do you love your husband anymore? Do you want to be with him?

If the answer is 'no', then please do the kindest thing and call time on this relationship whilst you both still have your dignity intact.

Affairs muddy things. Get out whilst your conscience is clear.

amillionyears Sun 28-Oct-12 20:10:32

what do you want to do?
Are you just letting off steam on here?

CanAnybodyMakeSenseofThis Sun 28-Oct-12 20:10:45

Don't tell your DH, but do end the marriage. This isn't good for anyone, including the children.

expatinscotland Sun 28-Oct-12 20:11:22

Gees, it's not like you shagged him or gave him a bj.

winnietheplop Sun 28-Oct-12 20:13:41

No, I don't love him anymore. At best, I love him as a distant relation.
No, I don't want to be with him. But at the same time, I suppose I'm too much of a wimp to leave.
I'm not planning on having an affair but am well aware that if that (the other night) has happened once then it can happen again. I don't want to be that person. I'm not a slut.

MorrisZapp Sun 28-Oct-12 20:14:02

If it really was just a kiss/ snog or whatever, don't tell him.

Use this incident to focus your feelings a bit. You really have two choices: Leave your DH, or commit to making the relationship better.

If you're 'checking out' longer term, you'll have to tell him.

MolotovBomb Sun 28-Oct-12 20:15:28

expat: there wasn't any sexual contact, but there was intimacy. I wouldn't like it if my DH kissed another woman whilst he was unhappy in our relationship.

In this scenario, the kiss is a sign that a shag or a bj isn't far away, according to the Op's circumstances.

MorrisZapp Sun 28-Oct-12 20:15:30

Hmm. Lost a bit of sympathy now you used that word - slut. What a woman hating word that is.

NewNames Sun 28-Oct-12 20:15:55

No, don't tell him.

Being unhappy can make us do silly things - almost as if we want to do things to push us into making a decision.

MolotovBomb Sun 28-Oct-12 20:17:14

Winnie you need to find the strength from somewhere to leave, else you risk living quite an unhappy and unfulfilled life.

winnietheplop Sun 28-Oct-12 20:17:33

Morris- it was aimed at myself. no one else.

MolotovBomb Sun 28-Oct-12 20:18:22

Aaaaaand, making everyone around you unhappy and unfulfilled

winnietheplop Sun 28-Oct-12 20:19:05

But at the moment he is doing a large majority of the child care around working whilst I study. I'm not sure how it would work even if I got the balls to do it.

MolotovBomb Sun 28-Oct-12 20:19:28

Slut = it's just semantics. I think the op is racked with guilt and usin the most derogatory labels directed to herself as a type of punishment

winnietheplop Sun 28-Oct-12 20:19:48

Exactly Molo- that is how it feels.

MolotovBomb Sun 28-Oct-12 20:25:47

I know - but you can't stay together just for him to care for your DCs.

fluffyraggies Sun 28-Oct-12 20:26:12

You can't use the fact that it would be inconvenient to leave, as a reason to stay! He deserves better than that surely?

winnietheplop Sun 28-Oct-12 20:26:49

He does, yes.

fluffyraggies Sun 28-Oct-12 20:29:16

How long have you been with him OP?

Not that it matters really tbh. If you don't love him then you both deserve to be happy with someone else. Or just apart.

MajesticWhine Sun 28-Oct-12 20:30:51

So, OP, it sounds like you are staying with him for the convenience of childcare while you complete your studies. Which isn't really fair on him. Does he know that you have essentially checked out of the marriage and are staying for the convenience? Maybe you both deserve more. The honest thing to do is either to leave him or make an effort to get your relationship back on track somehow.

Autumnchill Sun 28-Oct-12 20:32:55

I completely understand your situation. Do the right thing, either work on your marriage and get the spark back or leave without starting a relationship with someone else. You don't need a third person complicating it and muddying the water.

winnietheplop Sun 28-Oct-12 20:33:44

13 years. It hasn't been happy for over 6 years.

Not sure that I can or want to get it back on track Majestic. sad

I know that I'm sounding awful, believe me I'm feeling awful.

JustFabulous Sun 28-Oct-12 20:34:30

How about you leave and he carries on looking after the children?

winnietheplop Sun 28-Oct-12 20:35:17

I really don't want to start anything new with anyone.

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