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Am I being a bitch? I just can't cope with DP's mum.

(11 Posts)
carlywurly Sun 28-Oct-12 19:36:10

We've just had DP's mum to stay for 4 nights. I don't live with DP, but I have a house whereas he lives in a 1 bed apartment so it makes sense for her to come here and stay with me, him and my 2dc's. I love having people to stay, but just find her totally and utterly draining, a complete black hole of negativity.

She has had some really horrible things to deal with in life - widowed with small dc's, serious (life threatening) illness with one of her dc's and an abusive ex partner. I've also had my fair share of stress to deal with, (who hasn't) and feel a good deal of sympathy for her.

However, she is just so bitter and mean, it's awful to be around. She constantly snipes about other people's weight, income, whatever. Today she bitched because we went out for lunch and a lady in a wheelchair didn't offer to move seats so we could all sit together shock Her default expression seems to permanently be on the verge of a moan or sulk. She is penny pinching, and in return for spending 4 nights at my house has given my dc's a bag of sweets to share, complete with reduced price sticker. She didn't offer once to help with anything, or contribute in any way at all and was actually sniggering at me for (literally) running round trying to get everyone else's dinner ready one evening after I'd got home from work. If we go to a cafe, she hangs back so I pay for her coffee. This got on my nerves yesterday, and I just ordered one for myself, but felt horrible about it.

DP gets it, and has slipped me money to cover her share of food for the last few days but becomes very upset or defensive if I try to broach the subject of her behaviour. I know he feels loyal to her, and also feels guilty that he doesn't see her more. I know she's lonely, and I feel really sorry for her because of that, but she just won't accept any help, and seems to have alienated most of her friends and siblings over the years. We've suggested all sorts, encouraged her hobbies, DP took her abroad on holiday this year and offered to help her redecorate her home. Tbh I'd probably even give her money if I felt it would genuinely help - anything she gets just goes on more clutter for a home which is already bursting at the seams.

I could go on, but won't or it could turn into an epic. Bottom line is I just can't make myself like her. I don't want her around me, or staying here again. She cannot bring herself to say anything nice about me or my home (which I'd made really welcoming for her) I actually feel as though she's taken advantage of me this time for a free holiday. sad

LemonBreeland Sun 28-Oct-12 19:44:53

I would never have her to stay again. She can stay on your DPs sofa or whatever. She clearly does not appreciate your hospitality, so don't offer it again.

PurplePidjInAPointyHat Sun 28-Oct-12 19:49:38

You don't have to like her - although if you want your relationship to progress, you'll need to learn to tolerate her.

There's absolutely no need for her to stay in your house and disrupt your family, however - Premier Inn £29 deal should suffice!

Hassled Sun 28-Oct-12 19:52:19

You don't have to like her - but if your relationship with your DP is a long-term one then you do have to tolerate her. That doesn't mean she needs to come and stay again - the Premier Inn idea is perfect. That, or your DP gets a bigger flat.

Hassled Sun 28-Oct-12 19:52:41

Spooky identical wording grin

ImperialBlether Sun 28-Oct-12 19:55:46

But, Lemon, what about if the OP and her BF live together in the future?

vampirestakeknickers Sun 28-Oct-12 20:02:18

Cross each bridge as you come to it. She can stay at DP's next time, if you're still living in separate homes, or in a B&B. I'm sure you can come up with a plausible reason why she can't stay in your house for next time (decorators, damp being treated, etc etc)

If in the future you and DP decide to live together/have more children together, come back to us and we'll help you formulate a Plan B.

carlywurly Sun 28-Oct-12 20:11:52

Thanks everyone. There is no way she'd stay in a B&B unless we were paying. This is a woman who once spent the night in an airport entrance to avoid a £29 Travelodge bill..

Just had a talk with DP. He understands why I'd prefer her just to stay with him next time.

Moving in isn't on the horizon right now, but I'll deal with it if I have to. I'll just to have to self medicate with wine and get myself through it in a drunken blur.

NamingOfParts Sun 28-Oct-12 20:25:15

Remember the maxim that guests (especially family) are like fish and start to go off after 3 days.

We lived abroad for a while so had a lot of family visits. In my experience some people are better at being house guests than others. Across a shorter visit it is easier to forgive shortcomings.

SminkoPinko Sun 28-Oct-12 20:30:36

She sounds appalling. Well done for making it through the last 4 days and make sure she stays with dp next time! That's the bonus for not living together- he can look after his own mother. hurrah!

carlywurly Sun 28-Oct-12 20:54:11

I definitely agree, naming! We live in a very popular area for holidays so get a lot of guests. Some people are fab - pitching in, replenishing supplies and tidying up after themselves. Some are just awful and I never invite them again.

I don't think she means to come across the way she does. It's just an ingrained bitterness. I hope I don't end up like that, terrifying thought sad

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