Boyfriend with a kind of autism, any help?

[StuffedOlives]

Been seeing (on and off) a man for about 18months. More off than on.

He's told me he has Pervasive Displacement Disorder, Not Otherwise Specified.

It explains everything.

I feel terrible as we argue about his huge social anxiety, inability to ask me questions about anything or make conversation, even a simple 'how was your day' etc. I don't want to go into a big list, but can tell more if anyone wants to know. He's mid-40s.

I'm not sure what I'm asking here, but has any MN got an other half with similar? How do you deal with it?


Can our relationship or even the friendship be salvaged?

Have namechanged (I think!), please don't flame me (unless I deserve it, I really don't know).

[StuffedOlives]

Thank you for replying, Quietly.

My apologies for getting the name of his condition wrong.

He says he won't talk about any of it, so I am at a complete loss as to what to do. He won't tell me anything. So I don't know what to do.

The relationship has faltered because I thought he was dis-interested in me as it became clear he didn't want to talk about things like 'how was your day?', or when I had a (daft, non-serious) accident at home, he couldn't get in touch for days afterwards as he didn't know what to say, for instance. So, it was because of his PDD-NOS that we argued. Though I didn't know he had it at that time.

Sorry, I'm rambling.

[eandz]

my oh has asperger syndrome. ask me anything you need.

[StuffedOlives]

Hello eandz, thank you for your reply too. I have tonnes of questions! I get that they may not apply to your OH, but I'll fire away. Thank you in advance if you can answer any.

Does your OH meet your friends? Mine unequivocably won't. Not even for quiet drinks in a small group - how do you handle this? I feel like I'm existing in two different worlds: his and mine.

How do you know if you can talk about things? My OH says he will not talk about his condition with me. How can we move forward? I don't know if I'm making things worse by wanting to know more.

TMI alert.... bedroom-wise there are a few problems and he's told me that because of his social anxiety, he's never had a proper relationship before. He can't/won't kiss me for more than a one-second peck and says he is scared of doing the wrong thing. But he won't say any more than that.

Basically, how to move forward as I care about him but things have got very much worse of late and I feel so helpless. I don't have any of the right words or terminology and don't want to offend anyone either.

Thank you so much for reading and if you don't wish to reply, please don't worry.

[StuffedOlives]

Oh god, just reading back those questions, they seem so trivial. Sorry.

[dequoisagitil]

What is the point of this 'relationship'? He can't or won't talk to you about anything, there are issues around kissing and sex, and won't even explain his dx to you. Why waste time on it?

What is there to move forward with?

[TheProvincialLady]

An 18 months on-off relationship with all these problems and where your partner is completely unwilling or unable to even talk about it, let alone find ways of you both dealing with it, is not going anywhere, sorry. It is sad that his condition makes it so hard for him to have a relationship, but you don't owe him one so unless you care so much for him that you are prepared to go on like this indefinitely you can end it and find a better relationship.

[StuffedOlives]

I'm asking myself the same thing Deq and TPL - and I feel horrendously guilty as he has this condition.

Maybe I should be asking how to break up with him for good without hurting his feelings colossally and making him even more introverted?

I don't know what I'm thinking really.

[dequoisagitil]

He's lived with it this long.

You don't need to feel guilty. You don't owe him a relationship. He hasn't been able to maintain relationships before, because of his condition - and that's for good reasons. It's not down to you to give up your own well-being for his.

If he was making efforts to deal with it and trying to help you understand the way he is, then that would be one thing (but still not enough to keep you in a relationship unless you were happy).

Relationships aren't about martyring yourself for another person - it's got to be a two-way street and you've got to get as much as you give.

What you should ask yourself if why you've chosen such a fixer-upper and why you would choose someone who clearly isn't available emotionally? Is it a need to be needed?

If you want to end it, be clear but gentle. It doesn't have to be nasty. He might even find it a relief.

[TheProvincialLady]

I agree with you dequoisagitil. You have nothing to feel guilty about OP. You didn't cause his condition and you can't cure it by being in a relationship with him. If you had been in a relationship with him for a long time and were basically happy but there were niggles, that would be one thing, but you haven't. It sounds like being in a relationship is very stressful for this man and as deq says, it may even be a relief to him to end it. Do think about why you have clung to this relationship - most people would have thought 'he won't talk to me, he won't kiss me, the sex is crap and we're always on/off - I'm ending it.'

[TheProvincialLady]

"This relationship isn't making me happy and I am ending it now because although I care for you, I can't be in a relationship with you" should be ok. That's about you and not criticising him. From your descrptiption, I doubt he will want any more than that from you anyway. Be wary of staying friends, at least in the short term until you are sure that the boundaries have been clearly set.

[StuffedOlives]

Thank you all

I think I've stuck with it as I felt like the villain, he said he'd try and chane, we got back, broke up, repeat, repeat, repeat. Now he tells me he has this autistic condition which explains everything and I feel like the villain again.

Aargh! I'm annoying myself by being so weak about all this!

I take on board everything you've all said.

I can't continue with it, it's a destructive relationship.

I'll have to end it over email as he won't see me to talk about it.

I get that he may be relieved by this too.

Thank you for your candid views

[TheProvincialLady]

See, he wasn't even honest with you earlier on in your relationship when he could have told you about his condition. Any relationship with that many break ups needs to stay broken! You're doing the right thing.

[reddemonsinthegarden]

you're not being weak, stuffed! you clearly care about this man very much, but as others have said, relationships are two-way streets.
you have given this relationship 18 months, and have tried very hard to make a go of it. however, if he is choosing not to engage in discussions regarding hte relationship (taking on board his condition), then in a way he has also indicated what he wants, if that makes sense.