Poverty in the door love out the window, for how long?(11 Posts)
Hey so this may be long and I'm also quite new too all this so please be easy with me. (Also on my phone so apologies for any spelling mistakes)
Me and my partner have lived together for nearly 5 years and now have a DS who is 5 months old.
In August last year my DP recived a bill from his previous property for £2000 and the most they could break it down would be 500 a month, he did not tell me and could not afford this comfortably and so started taking out payday loans to pay payday loans. In January the rent didn't get paid because all I his wage wet on paying back loans, this is when the problems came out into the open.
With help from my family we sorted the rent ect and started to get things back on track, 3 subsequent times he lied about how bad things were though, I only found out as I opened his mail. This happened over 4 months.
Honestly I didn't leave because it woulnt of been fair on anyone with a baby on the way. i thought we could work it out and the only place I could of gone was back home with my parents and that wouldn't be ideal.
All the debts are cleared now.
But it doesn't feel the same, I despise him for not telling me the truth straight away, he incurred over £6000 in interest with the debt company's.
It makes me so mad when I think about it all it really does. I understand how it happened but I didn't think he would be so stupid and I also thought with how our relationship was he would of told me from the beginning.
My question is this mighty mums netters.... Is my relationship ruined because there is no longer any trust or can it be saved?
I don't look at him like I used to, now he is someone I live with not the love of my life, I want to make it work but I don't know where to start.
Do you think he didn't tell you about the financial trouble he was in because he's got no idea of how to add up and is therefore unfit to be in charge of a bank account, or because he was afraid of not looking like a good provider to you?
Sorry I may of drip fed a little,
I moved in with him into an apartment that he originally got with his ex. We were looking for somewhere new together for ages because I always said it didn't feel like mine because it was always going to be 'theirs' anyway we found a lovely house and moved in after being at said apartment for 3 years.
He said he didn't tell me because I always made it quite clear that place was never mine, he thought the best thing to do would be pay the bill on his own.
Obviously this backfired.
I do genuinely believe his reasoning however stupid it was
And then once he was starting to struggle I think it must of been too hard to ask for help as he had already began to cover things up
I totally understand how you feel OP. I now control all the money that comes in/out of the house. DP has money each month which when its gone, its gone. I dont like it but had to take drastic steps as my job does not tolerate any financial mismanagement if any sort. But yeah, I do feel we moved towards a mother/child relationship. DP knows and accepts he his crap with money, and though sometimes he gets arcy about it, when he is reminded of the position he would/could have been in he is very grateful.
"Is my relationship ruined because there is no longer any trust or can it be saved? "
Anyone can make an error of judgement. Lying tends to compound the error and leads to loss of both trust and respect, ultimately resulting in contempt. Respect can go a long way to being regained if he admits his stupidity, takes practical steps to avoid a repetition and you operate a system of complete disclosure and openness about anything financial. Trust is far more difficult to restore and I think it will take rather more time and effort for you to be convinced that, if he'd lie about finances rather than face the music, there aren't other things he defaults to lying about as well.
So decide if what's missing is respect or trust. Then deal with them accordingly.
Thanks Mum, how is your relationship apart from feeling like mother/child? Now your out of financial trouble to an extent has that made a big difference? I don't control things that much but have taken responsibility with a joint account.
We have good days and bad, the bad are when I realise the extent of everything he has done
As a rule, we really do ok. Usual ups n downs if two hardworking parents to a 3yo. If the issue over money does arise its generally something else thats triggered it. DP still owes me a fair bit as I bailed him out, but he's making good inroads into repaying that. The thing that made the best impact for us was talking about our own and joint finances on a regular basis. We sit down with a bottle of wine and go through the coming month, check acs etc, so he has a real understanding of where all the joint money goes.
I must admit it seems to me like you're being unduly harsh on him.
It's hard to tell exactly what his motivations were for acting the way he did from your description, but it doesn't seem like he intended to hurt you, was woefully neglectful or selfish. On the contrary, it seems like he wanted to protect you from worry about the problems and sort them out on his own. Also, perhaps he was a little embarrassed about having gotten into the situation and didn't want to show his weakness. He then thought he could sort it out, and when he couldn't it got worse over time with gathering interest etc.
Things like that can happen to anyone. It's easy to say with hindsight how much better complete openness would have been from the beginning, but it probably didn't seem like that at the time. Sure, he may be financially not very savvy, and that may be something you need to consider in how you run your finances. But it doesn't make him a bad person or unworthy of your trust.
Money can be such a sticky issue in relationships. My partner spent the last of our house restoration money on his tax bill (thousands) without even running it by me. I was very, very angry about this for a long time, it implied such a lack of respect about our equal partnership re big money decisions. For him, I think he felt he should 'solve' it on his own. I think he also saw it as 'his' money. We still fall our regularly about it now, I get waves of resentment and anger (he currently earns more than me, and often talks about paying to run my car as if we live in a house share rather than a marriage). I plan to change this whole setup quite substantially when youngest is older and in education f/t. I think this is one of the issues where the traditional nuclear setup is completely financially disempowering for the one at home. My partner and I each have our own bank accounts then one joint one. I really would like to trust him but it's a long way back. I am sympathetic! Agreeing to have complete transparency and a monthly chat about money (what mum2fergus said) is a great step towards rebuilding trust, but will only work if you both stick to what you've agreed.
Thank you for your replies,
Loris, I know everything you said is true and it confirms how I already felt with someone else saying it if that makes sense, I just wanted to hear from people who had been in similar situations in RL.
I do feel better knowing it can work out, I think yesterday was a 'bad' day x
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