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does he really want to leave us or is this depression?

(29 Posts)
carolst Sat 27-Oct-12 22:52:45

Hi all, we have been together 20 years from when we were young. We have 4 lovely children. Things have been hard, especially lately. we are really skint most of the time and he works very hard, and most of the weekend. my parents are lovely but his are not. they add pressure at every junction. he works with them... never a good thing... and they always ruin his time off with us and add loads of extra pressure. he started acting strange, really forgetful, he would forget to pay bills, we would get charges left right and centre. he'd forget to say he used a card that had no money left and we would get charged again. he was always sorry, and just looked confused and baffled as to why he'd done it again. i don't know why i didn't see warning signs but hard when you're in it too. one say we had an arguement and he drove off to shops. ages later he wasn't back, i tried calling and texting but nothing. so i got all 4 of my little kids in the car to go and look for him. i ended up lost down some dark scary lane. again i tried calling and texting what had happened. he text back saying that he was gone, and that me and kids were better off without him as he was useless. i was terrified. again frantically calling and texting all while lost in a dark lane with 4 kids. in the end he answered and was crying his eyes out saying he had driven to beach and was ending it all. after many calls to police and him, in the end he came back. but he looked a broken man. now i should of taken him to docs then, but he was fragile and i didn't know what to do. A few weeks later he started acting like it was nothing, and that it would never happen again and it was just the state of the house, the lack of money and his long working hours getting him down. anyway this has continued. at the end of august he lost loads of weight. our mortgage was bouncing every month on top of other bills. his parents were being their usual difficult selves. people starting commenting to me about his weight loss and was he ok as quiet. one day we had an arguement and out of the blue he annouced he was leaving. now this was so strange, he has always been a family man, he loves us all and would never walk out. he had also stopped doing things he enjoyed with friends, and stopped inviting anyone round. he said that it wasn't just the money etc and that he needed to leave and felt relieved at the thought. i gently suggested he was depressed, and he agreed that maybe it was true and that he would see a doctor. things started to improve slightly and he took on a second job. this just added to the tiredness. he can't handle emotional deisions anymore, and last week we had to make a decision so he turned a bit funny. then he annouced he was leaving again. he now refuses to go the doctors. i don't know what to do.

LordLurkin Sat 27-Oct-12 23:09:06

He needs help and I feel he needs it pretty damn fast! This screams severe depression to me and without help its not going to go away.
I had a massive depressive incident a few years ago due to issues from my childhood and other stresses and I was acting very oddly and worried allot of people.

thetrackisback Sun 28-Oct-12 00:56:28

From what you describe he probably has severe depression although it could be something else. How old is your hubby op? Think he needs help soon.

NatashaBee Sun 28-Oct-12 01:03:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

carolst Sun 28-Oct-12 01:18:17

thanks for your replies. he has gone a while since that incident, so he is saying that it can't be depression otherwise he would have tried again. he didn't actually take anything last time. i am sorry it is just he is convinced now that he isn't depressed and he's said it so much over the last couple of days i doubt whether it is just because he wants to leave, but then the brain part of me knows that this isn't right. what if i call the doctors to come out and he lies about it all. he can trick people easily as earlier he was running around the field with the kids and no-one would have suspected a thing. is that normal to be spacey one mintue then running around playing football with the kids the next
thank you feel so desperate as we have a lovely family and i don't want him to throw it away and i don't want him to get hurt
he'll go mad if i phone doctor and will put on an act i know he will

carolst Sun 28-Oct-12 01:21:30

he's 35 - thank you

SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR Sun 28-Oct-12 01:18:11



LordLurkin Sun 28-Oct-12 01:30:26

Yes that is fairly typical, lots of seriously depressed people put on a front to hide behind and deny as much as they can.
You must make sure that you are taking care of yourself and you must make sure you are safe and well and that your children are safe as well. Depression can completely alter a persons character to very drastic levels. If he will not seek or accept some form of help then it may be for the best that you separate while he is this ill.
I know this is not what you want to hear but I would rather be safe than sorry and perhaps that will be the kick in the pants he needs as well.

SolidGold you seem to think you know all about this man? Have you been in that position? Its oh so easy to judge from an armchair but not so easy to do it from a position of having been there.

Charbon Sun 28-Oct-12 01:56:36

Have you considered that there might be other additional causes for him leaving three times, losing a lot of weight, appearing to work extraordinary hours, getting into more debt, not wanting to be around friends and family and not wanting to consult a doctor?

Because this sounds more like stress than depression and the behaviour you describe is synonymous with someone who's got massive secrets that are either about to be exposed or need to be resolved in some way.

Keep an open mind about this, because people having affairs and/or have financial secrets often behave in exactly the same way.

The bottom line though is that he doesn't think he's depressed and doesn't want any medical help. He has made a decision to leave the family home and seems content with that choice.

I know it's more comforting to think he's lost his mental health and needs rescuing, but ultimately he is responsible for his own health and you can't insist that he gets treatment for a condition he doesn't think he's got.

I think there is far more to this than just stress or depression. I think he was very stressed, but that there were reasons for that which you possibly know nothing about. If you need to find these out for your own peace of mind, I'd encourage you to do so because if my suspicions are correct, it will help you enormously to get angry and stop mollycoddling a man who has possibly deceived you for a long time.

MadAboutHotChoc Sun 28-Oct-12 07:15:39

He has made the choice to leave and there is nothing you can do to stop him as he has checked out of the marriage. The more you push, the more he will pull away.

I would ensure that you and your DC are protected financially - move money from joint accounts to your own account, ensure that child benefits, tax credits etc are in your name.

I have my suspicions as to the reason for his "depression" and I would do some checking - mobile phone bills, credit card/bank statements etc.

dateandwait Sun 28-Oct-12 08:06:56

He needs help, but only he can decide to do this. It does sound like severe depression, and yes, it is normal to be happy one minute and not the next. I would encourage him to explain his symptoms to a GP by writing them down for him. Sitting down when quiet and calmly saying "this is what I've noticed about your behaviour, I think it's depression, what do you think?". Give him a chance to talk. He sounds very ill (I'm a healthcare professional).
If he refuses to act upon this, you have to try and move out for a while and let him take responsibility for himself, hopefully with your and others support. You first concern is the children and with his erratic behaviour it may be best to remove the children for a "holiday".
Depression can take on many guises, get support for yourself and get as much advice as possible from mental health charities. It is very reasonable for you to go to his GP and explain his behaviour. If the GP is concerned he will know he is hiding things if he sees him. He behaviour could of course be caused by an organic illness that he is hiding.
Look after yourself and kids first and foremost xx

carolst Sun 28-Oct-12 09:28:10

thank you all for your advice. to be honest an affair or something did cross my mind, but i know he is at work when he says he is. he works with his parents in a shop, he is there. the money, we are genuinly broke. his personal hygiene has gone down the pan, he doesn't have a bath or shower for days on end. i have checked his phone and bank. although i cannot be 100 hundred percent sure i am ninety ninety percent sure he's not having an affair. he has such a low opinion of himself he doens't even like looking in mirror. no confidence at all so i don't think he is.
i did try speaking to him about his symptoms, and showed him a checklist of depression which he agreed he did have most of them. but now it's changed and he is denying it saying i am reading rubbish of internet.
i am scared that if he goes, he'll be away from the state of the house, the 4 lively children, and seeing the bills come through the door so will think everything is better and that he isn't depressed and it was us and the house. he mum is a cow, and she would probably tell him he's better off away from us too. the other thing is if he did go and has been s weird i wouldn't trust him to take the kids to his parents house, then i'd be the cow not letting him see his kids.
he also zones out in front of the telly in a really strange zombie way.
how can i sit down with him and the children and explain how he's leaving in a nice way when i don't agree, it isn't a mutual amicible agreement, why should i give him that. but obviously don't want to tell the kids i think their daddy has slipped and can't be bothered to be here anymore. if i could just get him to the doctors... but i can't. if i call someone to come here he'll freak and lie and then probably walk out anyway. his parents are not the type that would help him. they really are bad.
i know he is an adult and it is his decision, but the thought of him being alone scares me, and the thought of my babies being put through this when i truly believe he is ill. i just wish i'd got him to the doctors last year when he did his escape to commit at the beach episode.
thank you all

dateandwait Sun 28-Oct-12 09:39:59

It is scary leaving him alone, but you must think of you and the kids first. You need to try and move out. Calmly explain to him you need to be apart if he doesn't get help for his depression....only if you think it is safe to address this with him. If not, move out, then talk to him.
He has to make a commitment to getting cannot save him or make him better. You just can't. He is an adult, any decision is not down to you. If you can't get through to him, you cannot do anything to help him. If he chooses to listen to his toxic mother, that is his choice.
Get advice.
If you think he is an immediate danger to himself you can contact his GP and get him sectioned. I'm surprised there wasn't a follow up after his suicide attempt?
Is there any male friends that can talk to him? Call in support, friends, family...

carolst Sun 28-Oct-12 09:47:13

thank you. well he wants to leave apparently, so i could just let him go rather than us moving out. there are a lot of us for anyone to house.
he best male friend is going through something terrible, his little girl is in a hospice, and understandably he too is depressed and actually taking it out on his partner so not the best person for him to speak to. his family are really rubbish. they don't care at all. they would put him up for a bit but are the type that if he had some money to give me they'd probably take it for rent. well his mum would anyway.
i am suprised there wasn't a follow up from the police too. i wish there had been, when they came here that night he was in bed, and all they said was that it sounded like a cry for help and he should get to doctors. that's it.
when he said that he wanted to leave initially in september, and then mellowed he did agree to see docs, so i am trying to ride the wave for a few days as it was only friday he annouced that he did want to leave again, so am hoping in a few days he'll mellow and agree to docs again.
he also drinks a lot of redbull at weekends and take neurofen as he has pains in his teeth apparently. i don't think this helps either. 4 cans of redbull a night over the weekend. not good.
thank you

dateandwait Sun 28-Oct-12 09:53:29

He sounds in a really bad place, he's very lucky to have you. Remember to get support for you too. Try and agree with his moving out idea. Then it's done with support rather than him storming must be on his mind. Make sure you agree it's a temporary thing while he gets help.
Try the GP route again and suggest you go with him, try and talk to the GP first and forewarn the GP that he will underplay his symptoms. Take a list of things that have been happening so its harder for him to pretend. Hope you have a good GP......ask around (or surgery) if there's one that is better with mental health problems.
Good luck x

carolst Sun 28-Oct-12 10:52:18

the thing is that the way his mind is the last few days it wouldn't be temporary.... he believes that he should leave for good and that he doesn't have a problem. september is the first time he said that he thought the problems were more than lack of money, the state of the house, and that something else was wrong. but says that he doesn't think he can be bothered to work on it. i told him that isn't fair, to suddenly announce there are more problems but to not give it a chance to work things out, for our 4 babies even. all he says is that he felt relieved when he said he was leaving so it must mean something. relief to leave this state of house i understand. he hasn't paid the mortgage this month again and i asked him if i should check the bank and he just said don't depress me... as if ignoring it it will be ok. i asked him that even if he left would he want us to lose the house, he said that he wouldn't of course. the water, gas, mortgage and sky all needed paying, and he chose to pay the sky of all things. priorities....
there is no way at the moment he'll agree to go to docs... although he says he's leaving he doesn't say when. some of my friends have real serious problems, terminally ill children. how could he just throw away our lovely family like that... it isn't the real him. i know it isn't.

dateandwait Sun 28-Oct-12 11:47:34

Again, sad and heart breaking as it can't control his behaviour. You can however control your life and keep your children safe, housed and in a stable environment. If he has made up his mind to leave, you are banging your head against a brick wall to persuade him otherwise and that will affect your mental health.
Start to make plans for him leaving. Go to the CAB, get free legal advice and get put on the housing register. If you cant pay the bills, ring the utility/mortgage company and tell them you are separating and will get some money to them as soon as possible. If you don't contact them they panic and will hassle you no end. I know it's hard, but face up to what you need to do.

Don't keep asking yourself may never know, only he knows that and hopefully at some point he will seek help. People leave for all sorts of reasons and it doesn't make sense...... especially when there are terminal children in the world. it still happens though. It may take losing everything for him to realise What he has lost. It may even make him get better and come back to you healthy and loving.....but it might not. Start living for you, your children and the future. You have done everything you can to support him. Empower yourself and please don't sit there hoping it will all get better and asking him to do things he can't cope with. It won't just go away. He can't cope. So you have to.

You can do this. Stop trying to make him better. Only he can do that. ((((Hugs))))

Charbon Sun 28-Oct-12 11:54:12

First of all, you need to take over the finances immediately. He can't be trusted to pay bills and if you're married you are jointly liable. Even if you're not, it's not worth risking repossession or utilities being cut off because of his fecklessness. I also think if he was genuinely forgetful, he would have forgotten to pay your Sky bill but it's interesting that something which is probably more important to him than you, got paid.

You might need to ditch all your hard-and-fast ideas about how people behave when they've got secrets. It is not unusual at all for someone having an affair to have low self-esteem, to have poor personal hygiene (but only when at home) and to appear to take a second job which presumably was not in your in-laws' shop. The other thing is that unless you can account for someone's movements 24 hours a day, you can never say that someone is where they say they are. People having affairs fake appointments, snatch odd half-hours here and there or invent extra jobs and work.

I've been trawling through your posts to find anything about his declared feelings for you as his romantic partner and I can't find any. Yet he has left you twice and is threatening a third time. Have you asked him about his feelings for you as an individual and not the whole package? Have you noticed a definite change in behaviour towards you as a romantic partner?

Once you take the 'depression specs' off and view some of this behaviour through an entirely different lens i.e that your partner's man's behaviour could be sheer selfishness and not mental illness, it might be astonishing what you start to see.

Charbon Sun 28-Oct-12 12:09:59

that should read "your partner's behaviour" not "your partner's man's behaviour" incidentally. I wasn't suggesting he's having an affair with a man! grin

Disclaimer: although anything's possible.

emess Sun 28-Oct-12 13:29:18

I feel for you. I have experience of something similar. I can't decide if my DH is behaving badly towards me because he is depressed or if his bade behaviour has another cause. I wish I knew. Sometimes you have to consider alternative reasons for a person's behaviour rather than try to make it fit one cause.

Ultimately, you can't fix him. Don't waste your energy trying - it's not your job anyway. IF he wants to get help then you can offer him help and support, but help and support come in many forms. Letting him away with not behaving like an adult is not helping him. His responsibility is to behave like an adult and seek help, or if he chooses not to get help, to stop making your and the DCs lives a misery. Your responsibility is to look after your self, and to provide a safe environment for your DCs. This may mean some making some difficult decisions, but there are people out there who can help you - MN obviously but also your GP, Women's Aid, and people you know in RL. I hope you get a resolution to this soon.

carolst Sun 28-Oct-12 17:12:05

he hasn't left before he just said he was leaving in september. he has said that he does love us all, he still loves me and will forever. prior to september he was constantly saying how everything would be ok we just needed to sort some of the massive stress we have with money and the house. he has in fact always been the more loving one, always being so caring, and a great dad. i didn't hear him calling for help.. he had written me a letter saying that he was fed up of feeling guilty for not earning enough and working weekends. he said that all he wants is for us to be happy all together. he would never do anything to make me sad on purpose. he is the one that still tells me my stretch mark tummy etc etc is still beautiful. he has been very loving, it is me that was annoyed with him... and now it's snapped him as he doesn't know where to look for help. it is all too much.
even today he is being thoughtful and nice, just a bit vacant. you can see his face visably change when we walk in to the depressing house and the state of it and things that need decorating and repairing. you can see him visably sink if he thinks about bills etc.
i know i have to put my babies first which is why i am not willing to give up on him, but yes need to make sure we are safe. he wouldn't physically harm any of us.
thank you, i am starting to get it that only he can take the step to make himself better, once and hopefully as soon as he realises. thanks

mummywithnosleep Sun 28-Oct-12 17:35:46


He is the only one that can make the decision, but I think right now you need to think about YOU and the DC´s

You sat with them in a dark alley way whilst trying to talk your sucidal husban down / home. Sorry to be blunt but this is not a good place for them to be or you to be.

Firstly the GP or Doc´s is the only real starting place, as some of the symptoms for depression can be something else as can weight loss. This needs to be checked. I am half inclined to say book and appointment and take him there. But if he wants to get better, he has to take ownership of his condition, the trouble with depression is the first time suffers NEVER know they are depressed (I didn´t but these days I can spot MY signs before anyone would even know I was a bit down)

Next couciling would he consider ralate??? Start with couples counciling if necessary to ease him into it. Hopefully a good councilor will spot the depression etc, and may push him towards help

Ok bills, I think you need to take controll of these. Get a list of them together along with the mortgage and talk to the companies see if you can freeze any interest, fines etc?. Can you take a mortage break if you explain the circumstances to get back on your feet. These companies will help if you can give them the chance.

Next the house, what is SOOOOO bad?, would a good clean up and declutter help? Maybe a trip to the local car boot / or ebay what you can. Could you raise some money / ask for presents for some paint? to redecorate?

Can DP leave the family business and get better employment somewhere else?

CAB for any help / benfits / anything you can get to help you through this phase of your life.

Lastly, work out hand on heart what do YOU want???

Not what is right for DP, not what is best for DP, not what the MIL is going to do, what do is right for YOU?

carolst Sun 28-Oct-12 21:24:15

Thank you.

I agree the dark lane was a low point. Luckily my dc are still blissfully unaware of anything. As they are about all of this.

I would love to go to relate, but the problem is the way he's flipped is him saying that he's not trying anything, that's it. That doesn't make sense, and is not him. Escape.

The house could be fixed, but we are broke. No-one has our kids for us, and it is hard decorating with 4 kids or sorting stuff etc. One has asthma so shouldn't be near decorating dust. i do need to break it down as you have though, one step at a time, and yes declutter is a major part of it. Thank you.

Hand on heart i want my DH back, the way he was. Not this last month weirdness.

Thank you so much x

cestlavielife Mon 29-Oct-12 00:11:39

Putting your dc first means looking after them and you primarily. Not dragging them out In The nite to run after dh. Police are there to do that.
Dh is an adult.
He does need to go off and sort out his mental health or stress or whatever it is.
You cannot allow yourself to be dragged down with him.

If he won't see a gp then you have to let him go off and find a way to look after yourself and dc.

Call gp tomorrow make him an appointment take him there . The rest is up to him.

mummywithnosleep Mon 29-Oct-12 06:45:13


I´m going to tell you a story, you can choice to ignor it if you like and rest assured it is NOT done to make you feel anything.

My DP, when is was a kid his mother was having issues with his Step dad, now this is man she moved FIL out of the house for. DP was 4 to 5 when all of these things occured.

She would regularly lock SD out of the house and would regulalrly go looking for him in the middle of the night with DP. on one occassioni she was litterally bitting the stering wheel of the car. Now DP at 5 remembers all of these things, this is just one example.

Ok, I think you need to go to a relate on your own if he won´t come you can´t make him.

You can decorate the house with an asthamic DC, it is possible it is hard work as you will have to damp dust every time you do anything but you can do it.

Have a chat to the mum at school and see if you could do some sort of reciprcal arragment. I know I would be happy to have your DC whilst you did some decorating over the weekends if you would do the same for me. People in my experience are nice and want to help, but you have to ask for it (which is bloody hard)

DP maybe depressed, he may be stressed, he maybe having an affair, he maybe ill, he maybe hidding something. BUT if he WON¨T seek help / talk then I am terrible sorry but for your healt and the DC health, tell him to go.

With any luck it will be the psuh he needs if not then you have to start getting everything documented to fight for the safety of your DC.

A depressed person who has expressed suicidal thoughts, and has NOT seeked treatment, is a danager to their DC welfare. SORRY if that seems nasty.

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