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Every time we argue, he threatens to leave

(44 Posts)
lucyellenmum Sat 27-Oct-12 22:32:42

We can't just have a normal argument, it has to degenerate in him threatening to leave and me begging him not to, trying to keep it discrete in front of DD. Today he said he'd stay til after DDs halloween party and then we sort of made up properly and he says he is staying, where else would he go and he loves me. I am a bitch and difficult to live with but i sometimes feel as if i have a greivance about stuff i am better off not saying anything. I do love him, but this just leaves me flat. Maybe he WILL leave after her party? I know he is only staying for her.

Hassled Sat 27-Oct-12 22:36:25

I'm sorry - that sounds shit for you.

Be "good", don't argue, do what I want and I won't leave. It's a control thing - he likes keeping you on your toes, and needs the constant reassurance that you need him. It's a very cruel sort of insecurity.

Numberlock Sat 27-Oct-12 22:38:27

What do you mean by being a bitch and difficult to live with?

Anifrangapani Sat 27-Oct-12 22:40:38

I would let him walk and if he doesn't show him the door.

He is doing the controlling dummy spit.

lucyellenmum Sat 27-Oct-12 22:41:04

I don't think its insecurity hassled, but i do feel and have told him this, that it feels that he does it to keep me in my place. But actually what i think is that things have gone to shit, he still loves me, i still love him and we adore our DD and don't want to break her heart, which is what will happen if we split. He would have to go back to his mothers and that is 50 miles away so wouldn't see DD very often. Reading this back makes us sound like teenagers, if only, we are in our 40s and have been together for 20 years sad

pictish Sat 27-Oct-12 22:41:06

Tell us more about how you are difficult to live with?
I am interested because to me, threatening to leave after every argument is pretty piss poor behaviour, so I'm wondering how bad a bitch you are that the threats are warranted?

Horsemad Sat 27-Oct-12 22:42:12

Mine used to always do this when we argued until one say I snapped & said 'go on then, do your worst'. He didn't leave & has never said it since. Agree it's all about control - take the control back

lucyellenmum Sat 27-Oct-12 22:43:41

Numberlock i suffer from anxiety and depression, mostly due to not being able to find work, i am a stress pig at times and this morning he got it between the eyes over something trivial, i can't quite remember what sparked it. I can be pretty irrational and mad over things and i guess he has just had enough. Part of me wishes i was brave enough to test his resolve and see if he does walk out, but how can i do that when DD is begging him not to leave too. She overheard blushangry

lucyellenmum Sat 27-Oct-12 22:45:56

What im trying to say is that i do recognise that i have a big part to play in the arguments but i think that he can be very spiteful to me and it really hurts, i love him so much but i don't think we will ever be what we were sad

lucyellenmum Sat 27-Oct-12 22:48:51

I don;t think they are threats, i think he genuinely wants to leave it fries my head, he can be all "im leaving, ive had enough" with me pretty much hanging on to his legs (metaphorically speaking) and then later on he acts like nothing has happened.

lucyellenmum Sat 27-Oct-12 23:13:53

i just wish things would go back to how they were

rhondajean Sat 27-Oct-12 23:20:09

Oh dear. I thought you would be a relatively newly together couple.

I spent the first few years DH and I were together threatening to leave a lot. I an see now looking back that I was testing him to see if he was serious and if he would talk me out of it because he wanted me.

But after 20 years - that's a long time.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Sat 27-Oct-12 23:24:10

sad That's no way to live. It's not good for your DD either (whether she overhears you or not). Tell him now, when things are calm, that the next time he threatens that you will pack his bags yourself. Tell him it's manipulative and controlling and that you will not put up with that anymore - no matter whether you love him or not.

He could find a room nearby - he doesn't have to go to his mothers.

rhondajean Sat 27-Oct-12 23:27:22

Chippings right about manipulative and controlling - I was a mess for years.

Anifrangapani Sat 27-Oct-12 23:32:16

What is the worst that would happen if he left? My dh used to use it. It took me a while to figure that he only trotted it out when he thought he was losing the argument. Get yourself into a situation where if he does go you are financially secure ( and most people are in this country already are)then it puts you in a good position to call his bluff.

lucyellenmum Sat 27-Oct-12 23:52:21

I just struggle to accept that things might never get back to being good. We have had some really good times together and i really thought he was the man i would grow old with. We are "soul mates" apparently, thats what he says when it all calms down "i couldnt leave you, you know that, we are soul mates" I don't feel much like a soul mate when he calls me a fat cunt to be honest. Today i would have let him leave if it wasn't for DD. This is happening so much now, like he says, every weekend.

tallwivglasses Sun 28-Oct-12 00:38:02

Oh Lucy there's so many threads at the moment where the woman's being treated abominably by the man. Please, stand up to him. Tell him you won't allow him to treat you in this way. He stops with the threats and the verbal abuse or fucks the fuck off.

Anifrangapani Sun 28-Oct-12 00:41:10

Take your dd out of the equation. Your girl will be fine - if he says that a child needs a father you explain that you haven't restricted access to her just you.

AnnieLobeseder Sun 28-Oct-12 00:48:31

Threatening to leave to win an argument is just bullying behaviour. Letting your DD overhear (how old is she) is doing her untold damage and is emotional abuse. The two of you need to fix this one way or another for your DDs sake.

ImperialBlether Sun 28-Oct-12 00:52:49

How old is your daughter?

SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR Sun 28-Oct-12 01:23:38



mathanxiety Sun 28-Oct-12 02:41:31

You need to stop living in the past and look at the here and now. He can't both love you and call you horrible names. You need to decide what his behaviour really is and take action accordingly.

He is taking you for a fool.

YerMaw1989 Sun 28-Oct-12 05:26:27

If you were an awful bitch he'd
had left already if he is so keen to do so after every argument.

ThereGoesTheYear Sun 28-Oct-12 05:36:33

He doesn't sound very nice. Calling you vile names is not acceptable; it's verbal abuse. Keeping you in a state of unease with regular threats to leave is emotionally manipulative at best. Doing this within earshot of your DD will be damaging to her. It would feel good to say to him the next time that's a very good idea, I think you should go because I don't like the name calling and empty threats.

LtEveDallas Sun 28-Oct-12 05:41:51

Oh LEM this has been going on for years. You can't carry on living like this, it must be soul destroying.

I agree with SGB, your anxiety and depression will go when he does. He is keeping you on tenterhooks with his threats - that's good for nobody

You may love him, but you need to love yourself MORE. Tell him to go. Tell him to put up or shut up - see how quickly he changes his tune.

DH used to do this. I was like you for a long time, then finally I broke. I told him that I was sick of hearing it as his final arguement, that it wasn't a threat any more because I never believed he would go - I actually told him that whenever he said it I waited and waited but he never bloody went, and I was sick of getting my hopes up that he'd finally leave us in peace.

He blustered for a while, spoke about money, I agreed to give him what he wanted and finally he said "You really mean it, you really want me to go, you don't care about me at all"

I said that I was so used to hearing it that whilst upset I was resigned to him going, so I didn't care any more. He hasn't said it since.

We've managed to work on our problems, and are much much better. Once the threat was out of the picture it became easier to talk. We had to talk.

If you really don't want him to go, then you have to talk. You can't do that if he stops all communication by threatening to leave and making you cry and beg. You'll never get over that hurdle.

Much love.

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