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I don't know if this is the right place for this.

(14 Posts)
FreddieMercuryforQueen Sat 27-Oct-12 21:01:08

I have a great DH, no seriously he's great, he does at least 50:50 in the house and everything else, he works hard and is a great dad. The kids DS 2 and DD 9 worship the ground he walks on, he's supportive and loves me loads, we've had our ups and downs and we're pretty solid.

I feel like I'm going to have some kind of break down, I work long shifts only 30 hours per week but I do 13 hour shifts in a stressful environment. DS doesn't sleep, he's up and down several times a night, he's at an age where he's will full and refuses to do as he's asked. DD is cheeky and insolent and also refuses to do as she's asked. When I'm not at work I do the childcare as I can have several weekdays off per week and I'll work all weekend. So DH does all the childcare of a weekend and doesn't get days off either before I get any sympathy there.

The kids have no respect for me, they worship their dad, I don't know what he does that I don't, is nicer to them I expect, but then they behave for them so he rarely has to lose it with them. I feel like my life is one long round of looking after two ungrateful brats who do nothing but fight, refuse to do as they are asked, screech and scream, then I go to work after broken nights sleep, put in 13 hours there, often without a break and come back to a family who could quite frankly be a lot happier if I wasn't there.

I don't even know what I'm asking here.

I want to know how I can get my kids to love me and for me to be a better wife to my DH because I don't know how he puts up with me.

dequoisagitil Sat 27-Oct-12 21:19:01

Could you be depressed?

I am sure your dc love you - they often push the boundaries of the parent they are more secure with harder.

FreddieMercuryforQueen Sun 28-Oct-12 13:05:28

Thanks. I don't think I'm depressed. Just useless.

dequoisagitil Sun 28-Oct-12 13:17:55

I very much doubt that.

You work long shifts, you have demanding kids and your two-yr old doesn't sleep through. So you're knackered all the time. Sleep deprivation is a bastard and drags you down and makes you feel less able to cope. It's no wonder you're struggling emotionally and feel so worn down.

Can you look at finding a different job? You shouldn't be working 13 hrs straight without a break - it's against worktime regs for a start.

dequoisagitil Sun 28-Oct-12 13:19:03

The useless part is what I doubted, btw smile. You sound like you have a lot on your plate.

ClareMarriott Sun 28-Oct-12 13:22:45

Have you sat down with your DH and explained to him about your feelings ? Are they tied up with the kind of work you are doing ? If your DH is as supportive as you say, he will surely be open to finding a solution for you if he loves you.

FreddieMercuryforQueen Sun 28-Oct-12 13:24:29

Oh I know but unfortunately the job I do is the same the world over and if there is no opportunity for a break it's not just a down tools kind of occupation and grab a sarnie (am a midwife). DH says I need to think about what the job is doing to me as I'm becoming unpleasant to be around due to 'bringing the job home with me' ie having it on my mind all the time, dissecting what I did, what I could have done better, whether I made any mistakes etc. He's right, when I have a particularly troublesome shift on my mind I'm extra shouty and less tolerant. It's a good job though that I worked bloody hard to be able to do and I do get a lot of time with the kids (ha like they thank me for that!). the sleep thing does get me down. I'm so tired, which contributes to the shouty thing but I don't know how to change it (I did start a thread but not many responses) and DH is tired too and he still manages.

dequoisagitil Sun 28-Oct-12 13:37:05

Ah OK. Are there counselling services available to you through work?

It sounds like having an outlet to talk through your experiences and perhaps learn techniques to be able to leave your work at work more might help? The stress and round-and-round churning over of everything can't be good for you.

MmBovary Sun 28-Oct-12 13:41:11

You are not useless, you're somebody who's trying her best for your family, your kids, your husband and probably feels things are not working as they should when you're giving yourself a 100 per cent. You're probably very tired too, as you have demanding hours at work and you have a toddler in the house.

I have a DS, 6 and DS, 2, and I work part time. Looking after a 2 year old can be extremely demanding and you need to make sure you get time off to yourself. Maybe going swimming or to the gym in the eves?

Also, try to have positive one to ones with both your children.

When your DD goes to school, do something with DS that is fun and rewarding for both. I take mine for coffee and babychino. Sometimes buys him a comic and colour it with him and do stickers. But do something that you can enjoy too. Try to get him to bond with you on a personal level, then it's easier when other people are around.

If you get a chance, try to do the same with DD too. Take her somewhere just you and her. I feel I bond a lot better with my children when it's one to one sometimes. As they don't get jealous of the other one being around.

Also, you need to speak to your husband and ask him to be supportive of you in front of the children. If you ask them to do something, he should reinforce what you're saying, even if he doesn't agree completely at the time.

Family dynamics are complicated, as we fall into patterns of expectation and behaviour without wanting to. Look at those patterns and see what you can do to reverse them.

Just remember you're not alone in feeling the way you feel.

ImperialBlether Sun 28-Oct-12 15:46:30

Why hasn't your husband spoken to your children about their lack of respect for you? Does it suit him to be the favourite?

If your work is causing you so much stress at the end of a shift (and I can see why it would) then is there anything you can do before coming home to help improve things? Do you have a manager you can talk things through with? A colleague? Could you make notes for yourself in a quiet place before coming home? What time do you finish? Could you go to a gym?

dateandwait Sun 28-Oct-12 16:08:44

Do you have clinical supervision at work? Do you need to work as many hours? You sound burnt out and stressed out so no doubt work is suffering too. I'm a nurse and know what it's like to have such a stressful job and home life (single mum). Please please consider changing your job/hours. Can you leave and do bank shifts to suit you. The kids need constant attention and if you are mentally absent they will play you up to mind blowing proportions to get their needs met (ie your full mental attention).
Take a (paid) break from work, take a look at your life and work out what's important. A career break or a course can give you a bit of time out. Stress at work can really ruin your life.
I have stressful days at work, am a single mum, if I come home thinking about work or am sad about work the Kids pick up on it like flipping sniffer dogs!
I've found occupational health helpful generally and the counselling service is worth a go (free).

Kundry Sun 28-Oct-12 16:24:53

A lot of what you say does come over as depression - even the fact that you don't see it yourself, just feel useless.

As you are a midwife I am guessing you have access to an NHS Occ Health department? If so please get in touch and ask about counselling. They will have this available for all staff - I think you'd get a lot out of it.

JuliaScurr Sun 28-Oct-12 16:28:13

another vote to get checked for depression

FreddieMercuryforQueen Sun 28-Oct-12 21:42:26

Imperial, my DH has spoken to the kids but the 2 year old doesn't really understand and takes his cues from the 9 year old who does not acknowledge the issue. Plus it seemed to me like I was being childish wanting to know why I wasn't the favourite in not so many words. I have a meeting with my supervisor this week and will endeavour to explain how I feel and in the meantime look into occ health although I have no idea if I can self refer or how to do so.

Whoever said the kids play up to get my attention might have a point but tbh they seem gleeful when I'm at work, asking if I'm going in on my days off, and throwing themselves on the doormat sobbing when daddy goes out (2 year old, took an hour to calm him down). DH is great, he hugged me so tight this morning, said he was worried about me and asked what he could do to help, which made me feel worse as he does enough.

Thank you so much for replying.

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