Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

He won't leave

(11 Posts)
bexsybooboo Sat 27-Oct-12 20:45:02

Hi have posted 2 previous threads but unsure how to link them?!
Short version I asked my husband to leave at beginning if September after finding the strength to do so.
There is possibly history of EA or subtle controlling behaviour (I say possibly because I doubt myself at times).
He agreed after 2/3 weeks of rough times and not nice stuff from him e.g. I'm selfish, the only one not happy, it should be me that leaves but not have children with me, to find alternative accommodation. I helped as much as I could , as wanted to do this the right way and still care that he is okay. So looked at HB he may be entitled to, agreed to split CHB as eldest dd 14 wanted to spend half her time with her dad. I completed forms for council, investigated deposit bond schemes and agreed to continue to pay half of his credit card and catalogues. Sorry will get to point now. 2 weeks ago he asked me what compromises I was making and that he was not moving out but if I find somewhere local to live I could take the children. This has been easier said than done no private rented in our area.
I met with next link who are going to help me get a residency order and look in to a occupation order. I have googled occupation order and I feel it is unlikely I will be granted one.
I just don't know what else to do he won't move out, I am on a camp bed and the dc's need to have a settled happy home.
We rent our home from local authority and are joint tenants.
Please tell me things do get sorted and how you managed it. I thought we would be able to move on with our lives within a couple of months but at this rate can't see it happening even before Christmas and I am feeling so low as each day is a roller coaster not knowin if he is going to be good cop or bad cop.

Witchety Sat 27-Oct-12 21:33:53

I don't see why he should be Made to leave tbh. Is there more to this?

bexsybooboo Sat 27-Oct-12 21:51:44

I can't link my other threads sorry as on phone.
We've been together 16 yrs first 18 months dv but it stopped. Realisation last year that for a long time the dv has turned to ea and subtle control, but you think and believe this is normal hence why sometimes I am not sure if it is.
I tried to end marriage last year but his reaction was so bad it scared me and I stayed believing perhaps it was me and I needed to try harder.
I am looking to move out but am struggling to find a family home. My children being settled and with a happy mum is more important to me than the house we live in but cannot find anything.
Part of me does want to stay in family home because when I leave with dc's the local authority will end the tenancy and take possession of our home and that upsets me as we have worked hard to make it what it is and in a stable location for children and school.
I have asked myself the question also why should it be him when it's me ending the marriage and after weeks of hell starting I believe I shouldn't have my children, why should I as he keeps telling me! why can't they stay with him as I am the selfish one so I should just leave them all and go! But I can't and won't leave my children behind.

finglestick Sat 27-Oct-12 22:21:39

Contact womens aid. There is a 24hr helpline you can access. Contact the local office and they can help you speak to the LA and either offer you the support you need or point you in the direction of people who can help.

I have realised I have been going through 12 years of EA and am trying to leave my H but he's not making it easy. Just get as much support as you can from friends, family and agencies such as WA and prepare yourself! It gets hard but if you have the support blanket on, you WILL be fine.

Good luck x

Flisspaps Sat 27-Oct-12 22:23:40

So he's refusing to leave, but if you move out with the children he can't stay there anyway?

bexsybooboo Sat 27-Oct-12 22:25:59

Thank you finglestick am in touch with next link who have been really good.
It's so hard some days I just think sod it just carry on but I can't that no life for the children, me or him.
I didn't expect it to be easy but thought he may have after 8 weeks realised this isn't going to be any longer and gone but it looks like I will have to take legal route (which I've avoided) as I know its going to get nastier or try and find somewhere to live with children which yes I am scared as on my earnings the cost of rental in areas I would like to stay for children is scary sad and nothing around sad
Hope things work out okay for you

bexsybooboo Sat 27-Oct-12 22:33:16

I don't think he realises that yet. That he won't be able to stay as under occupied and once one joint tenant leaves the house is taken back. Housing have advised me that if I stayed with children then they would let me stay as sole tenant.
I want to tell him this but know I definitely would not be allowed to leave without my children, hence why I am seeking the residency order as this means whatever happens they stay with me.
This is a other thing that he says to me is why should the children be with me, you're not happy you go we are all okay and happy. An sometimes the doubt and the guilt and the way he says things makes me wonder why they should be with me and I can never answer his question as he is their parent also so why shouldn't he have them live with him?? I have made it clear I would never ever stop access and he can see and have them stay as much as his employment hours allow (he works early morning shifts from 2am).
I want to be able to breathe again.
We are separated but living under same roof and still feel I have to justify myself to him e.g. If I want to meet a friend for coffee, if I want to go running and who I am texting sad its so tiring with no signs of moving forward

Flisspaps Sat 27-Oct-12 22:47:08

You shouldn't leave them with him as he is emotionally abusive, it won't only be you that suffers from his actions, they will too (but you know this, hence you leaving him!)

Don't doubt yourself x

SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR Sun 28-Oct-12 01:28:28


CogitoEerilySpooky Sun 28-Oct-12 07:24:42

" it looks like I will have to take legal route (which I've avoided)"

It's for precisely your situation that you need lawyers backing you up. He's currently trying to bully you and confuse you into making poor decisions and thinking you have no options. After so many years of varying forms of abuse you're probably in not position to stand up to that kind of determined campaign. A solicitor specialising in family law will quickly tell you that you have all kinds of options and they will get him out of your house. CAB or similar can walk you through the possibilities for finance.

Anniegetyourgun Sun 28-Oct-12 07:32:35

At the moment they're only all happy (except you) because you're still there. If you weren't, it's guaranteed they would not be nearly so happy. Do you really think an emotionally abusive, formerly violent man is going to be a great single parent? My view is that he is only saying you can leave without the children because he knows you won't.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now