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DCs meeting STBXH new partner. I am so scared.

(18 Posts)
Couragedoesntroar Sat 27-Oct-12 10:13:48

I just had a text from STBXH who has the DCs this weekend. His new partner is coming to meet them this afternoon. She sounds okay and certainly she's welcome to him. But I feel so hurt (when does the pain ever f***ing stop?) and furious although I have no right to. It feels too sudden and I wish I had had more warning. I feel like I am losing everything.

I am really really scared and I don't know why. Others of you who have the t-shirt, will it be okay?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 27-Oct-12 10:22:42

I think, in the children's interests, you could ask your STBXH to introduce her as his 'friend' rather than 'partner' in the first instance. That way it's not too loaded. Friends and even partners come and go. You are and always will be your DC's mother. Good luck

Offred Sat 27-Oct-12 10:22:54

It will be fine providing they are introducing her because the relationship is serious and they are planning for her to be living with him or she already is living with him and not because they are wanting to practice happy families with your children

Offred Sat 27-Oct-12 10:24:13

How new is the split?

Couragedoesntroar Sat 27-Oct-12 10:42:12

offred we've been separated a year. The kids know he's got a girlfriend, we found out by accident a while ago so friends won't wash with them. I don't think they'll be too perturbed by it tho.

I wish he'd given me more warning. He tramples me. I'm alone and struggling with missing the kids anyway and off he trots without a backwards glance. Never so much as a nod to discomfort throughout the whole thing. I've been picking up the debris of my life all year.

She's younger than me, a lot younger than him. He doesn't have full time responsibility so all his Christmases came at once.

Couragedoesntroar Sat 27-Oct-12 10:44:25

You know when you just feel sooo alone? More alone than being alone? That's how I feel.

Makethepainstop Sat 27-Oct-12 21:30:27

Hope you are feeling better now. It is tough. I haven't got any words of wisdom. I'm yet to reach that stage with exh but I just know it will tear me up inside.

Your kids love you and no one will ever replace their mummy. You know that. Wish I could say something to you to make you feel better but I just can't find the words

How do you feel now? What have the kids said about her/ him xxxxxxxxx

dateandwait Sat 27-Oct-12 21:57:42

Have the t shirt here. I feel for you so much. It's incredibly hard. I promise it gets better. The new gf might be all full of fun and great at first but the novelty usually wears off. Children know who loves them, who is there for them on a day to day basis. My dcs really like my x's gf, but to be honest barely mention her now. They no longer come back with stories of eating sweets and having giggles. All I care about is whether they feel comfortable with her. That's enough for me now. In fact my ds came home and felt the need to "confess" he had cuddled her and told her he loved her. I was honestly happy he could tell me, and liked her so much. For his sake not mine. Of course I know he hardly knows the meaning of love in the true sense but clearly has good feelings when he is with her.
I found just focussing on the fact that they may have many strong and important relationships in their life but only one mum.....ever. I have a step mum too and never lost any love for my dm, shes my only mum ever, but she did let me explore my relationship with my step mum without guilt. I encourage my dcs to be open and honest with me. If they didn't like her it would be so much harder.
Focus on you. You. You. When they are out. Be kind to yourself, stay strong. Kids need stability and strength. The more stable you are, the more they will open up to you and stay close. Enjoy the time with them by doing fun stuff, don't let x and gf get all the fun stuff.
I've had counselling and focused on me and my friendships to get to this point. I'm no longer threatened by gf. It's so hard but you'll get there I promise. Just remember if he has rushed into a new relationship it is unlikely to work and doesn't mean he is happy. I've was on my own for a long time and am much more 'together' then my x who rushed into a new relationship.
Good luck, stay strong. The loneliness will end, be kind to you, you won't regret this time to learn to be at peace with yourself.

Sassybeast Sat 27-Oct-12 22:17:34

I know and understand your pain. The GF in our case was an OW which made it so raw painful, and because she and Ex were so pushy about the children meeting her early on, it caused huge angst for my eldest in particular. She's incredibly over bearing, has taken herself along to SS case conferences (Ex has form for abuse) and done lots of other things that made me spit feathers.
But she's 'okay' to the kids. And about a year down the line, the mention of her doesn't even bother me. Because they don't really 'like' her, they won't let her touch them but they say she's 'okay' but they wish she wasn't there all the time. As long as they're okay with how things are, then I'm okay too (most of the time wink ) there are times when it still stings like hell - but I've learned to gloss over it in front of them.
At the end of the day, your babies will be coming home to you, they'll be telling you and only you that you're the bestest, most beautiful mummy ever. It does get easier - promise.

Couragedoesntroar Sat 27-Oct-12 22:42:01

I feel calmer now, but tired. He picked a day where I'm laid low with a chest infection the twunt. The kids are at his tonight so I haven't even seen them to hear how it went.

Thanks for your replies, both of fears and experiences. It was such a shock and, flipping heck, on the back of all the others. A huge wave of pain and fear and shock. I think I felt just obliterated.

I also think, like MNers have said before, it just highlights the patterns that were there before. So there he goes again, trampling me. Hopefully his opportunities will get less and less. Makes me so so angry tho.

Thanks all too, between you and lovely RL people, I don't feel so terribly alone as before & I know it's not just me making a fuss over nothing.

Couragedoesntroar Sun 28-Oct-12 09:06:22

Kids say she's 'cool' and that they went for tea and to the cinema. Ouch for me but good for them I guess. I suppose that's another divorce hurdle crossed. One step at a time.

dateandwait Sun 28-Oct-12 09:29:04

Well done, just grit your teeth and say "how lovely". Soon it will hurt less become less meaningful. Keeping the communication light and open with the kids is best, that way you know what they've been doing and check on their happiness and ease with her. It will also ease their feelings of torn loyalties. Very hard, but most protective motherly thing you can do.
One step at a time, acknowledge how hard its been and you've done it!!!!! well done, give yourself a huge mental hug and glass of wine for getting over the first (and one of the hardest) hurdle. X

feckitt Sun 28-Oct-12 12:35:58

The same thing happened to me on Friday night. Worked a 10 hour day, shopped after work (thank God I bought a bottle of wine) and as I stepped in the door my middle child told me my two other DC's had gone out to meet Dad and "her." My legs went to jelly. He actually had an affair with her 5 years ago and left me for 3 months. I foolishly let him back into my life when he gave all the usual promises. He left me again a year ago and went to live with Mummy. He recently contacted "her" (or so he said?) and when she told her husband he told her to leave. So.. she and my husband moved in together (house paid for by her husband). He has been very pushy about them meeting up. Wanting the kids to go "for a weekend." They are not interested but when the opportunity came up on Friday they thought they would get it over with. They are not really kids any more, 22, 19 and 17. My youngest hasn't said a word about it. My eldest didn't enjoy the experience and doesn't want to repeat it. I was surprisingly ok when they moved in together but I was taken aback at how much it hurt to know that my DC's were in her company. I don't even want them breathing the same air as her. I do hope it gets better.

ike1 Sun 28-Oct-12 13:21:24

Darling its a tough one for sure. But as long as she is ok with the kids you know you just have to suck it up. When you are feeling more healthy and able to enjoy yourself a bit more, you will begin to reap the rewards of a bit of free time. I now try to take the attitude that as long as the input from the adults is positive this can only be a good thing for growing minds. x

ike1 Sun 28-Oct-12 13:22:14

But it can be a challenge sometimes!!! Hugs.

Waitingforastartofall Sun 28-Oct-12 14:15:21

I can see this from both sides, and i really do feel for you it is so hard and i can imagine feeling the same if it were my ds, but to put it differently I am also a stepmum to two wonderful children who i adore. I wasnt the OW and they had been split a long time (over 5 yrs) so i suppose in that respect it is easier but it still must of been very hard for her to let her children come to my house, and then ultimately move in. I love those children, and i try very hard to be a positive part of their lives. This must be so hard but hold onto the hope that you might bring another person into their lives to support them and share them with. He shouldnt have sprung this on you and it really wasnt fair. Be lovely to yourself and have treats while the children are with him.

Couragedoesntroar Sun 28-Oct-12 19:11:20

Thanks for encouragement date and ike. The kids have just taken it in their stride as an apparently normal thing, fine but only interesting in passing. That's reassuring and it wasn't too hard to say 'that's nice' to them without grimacing! The pain was worst with the first shock (so far).

feck that's really hard when she was the OW. I can only imagine. And strung on you too. waiting I imagine your position is hard in other ways. I don't really have any problem with the woman concerned in my situation. She's young and I wouldn't want to be with him. She sounds ok.

I've come away for a few days with the kids. We're all safe and together. DD said 'you are the best mummy in the universe' and my son gave me a big hug. So we're all till standing despite the fear.

Waitingforastartofall Sun 28-Oct-12 21:04:46

Glad you are having a lovely time with your dc, you will always be their mummy that's v sweet of your daughter. Spontaneous praise is the best!

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