12 year old girls! How 'involved' do you get with their friendships and plans?

[sandyballs]

Not sure whether to get involved with this or just leave them to it.

To cut a long story short one of my twin DDs had big problems with a particular girl at primary, I'm friends with her mum and it was all very awkward. This girl was obsessed with DD and wanted her to herself, DD was suffocated and wanted other friends and it all got a bit nasty with other friends ostracising this girl because of her funny ways with DD.

Moving on they are thankfully at different secondary schools. I'm still friends with mum and they do see each other occasionally if we meet up but DD hates it because of their history so I limit it and tend to meet the mum on her own.

Both my DDs have been talking about Halloween and making plans to go trick and treating with various friends. This girls mum has been texting me asking what my girls are doing and I've deliberately been vague, saying they are making their own plans this year, which is true really. She keeps asking me though and says she is going to get her DD to text mine as she wants to join them. DD says her being there will completely change the dynamics of the group, she'll cling to DD and other friends will go off etc etc.

Part of me thinks bloody hell it's only one evening, get on with it particularly as this girl struggles with friends. Should I force DD to be kind and involve her. DH says absolutely not as it was that attitude and DDs kind nature that led to all the ishoos at primary.

[ZZZenAgain]

listen to your dd, they are at different schools now so will naturally drift apart if there is no great bond between them.

On the whole, I encourage dd to be inclusive and give people another chance, everyone can make a mistake, have a bad day. However your dd has seen more than you have of this girl's behaviour and I think in these circumstances, I would let her decide.

[bigTillyMint]

Oh dear! Its easy enough to back off if you don't know the parents but rather tricky when you are friends.

Could you get your DD to text her and say that she has been invited to go with other friends and it's a bit tricky for her to bring another person along that they don't know?

[sandyballs]

The problem is also that they've always done Halloween together in a group. I could say she's doing something else but this mum is bound to see them walking around and will understandably be hurt.

[sandyballs]

Should add it was done reluctantly with her in the past, I told them it was the right thing to do, and perhaps now it is time to just let them decide.

[ZZZenAgain]

does the mum know about the problems the girls had before? It will be hard to be honest with her. She can't help feeling hurt on her dd's behalf if you tell her that your dd doesn't want her to come along.

[OpheliaPayneAgain]

Your children are of an age to have their own friends. Parents should be well in the background by now. If put on the spot by the other mother simply say "sorry, DS is with her school friends this year" stressing the "school"

[sandyballs]

Yes she is well aware of the problems, school were involved, meetings were had. School tried to draw up a timetable of who DD was allowed to play with on which days, I wrote about it on here. They scrapped that after we complained and decided to tell this girl to just stay away from DD.

The mum is lovely but never seemed to understand how her daughters obsessive behaviour affected my DD and why she had reached the end of her tether with it and her kindness towards her was turning into annoyance and frustration.

[motherinferior]

I'm not involved in DD1's social life at all. (I am, separately, friends with the mothers of quite a few of her mates - I'm not some antisocial weirdo or anything, it's just that she's quite sociable and strong-minded on her own!) Occasionally I do say "hey, why don't you see so-and-so" but that's about it.

[bigTillyMint]

Yes, I agree, say to the mum that your DD is going with her school friends - that they have organised it themselves and it's not for you to interfere. Then suggest that her DD does similar with her school friends.

[bigTillyMint]

DD would kill me if I tried to be involved in her social life although I am close friends with two of her besties

[bigTillyMint]

Besties MUMS that should say

[Bluebell99]

Gosh it would be really easy to read this thread , and think the other girl was being ostatracised and bullied by your dd and her friends. How would you feel if one of your dd's was being left out and excluded? If your dd's weren't the popular ones? An opportunity for your dd's to be kind and inclusive.

[SoggySummer]

Can you not say DD is going to a friends house on halloween and you think they are going trick or treating but have left it to them to organise themselves.

Its kind of hinting at the new inevitable friendships but also prewarns they may be out and about on halloween.

[sandyballs]

I agree Bluebell but there is a lot of history with this girl and I can completely see why they are all fed up with it. Believe me DD has been very kind and inclsuive with her and I tend to agree with DH now that this has caused problems.

[sandyballs]

That's an idea soggy summer

[lljkk]

Your friend is getting way over-involved in her DD's friendships. I fear you will have to be blunt & say very directly that your DD does not want to socialise with hers for now. Does the other Girl tend to have huge problems making friends? Is that why other mum is so involved?

Hands off as much as possible. They are old enough to sort their own social lives.

[sandyballs]

Yes she does have big problems making friends that's why I'm hand wringing about all this as I feel guilty and I would be hurt and upset if it was one of mine. But that doesn't mean I should force DD to include her at the expense of other friends.

[sandyballs]

Her mum gets involved to help her with friendships but if it were me I would be going out my way to develop new ones at new school and not clinging to this with all it's history at primary school. She seems determined to keep DD in her daughters life.

[ZZZenAgain]

do what soggy says, tell her dd is going to a school friend's house for Halloween and sleeping over so it won't work out meeting up this year.

Suggest you all get together the next weekend and go and see a film together. Not much chance of problems between the girls in a cinema.

[Bluebell99]

I thought I was going to get flamed for what I said, so glad you didn't take offence. I do just feel sorry for children who struggle socially, and am very aware that friendships can change and it can end up that your child is the one being left out. :( My own dd is younger (nearly 11) but have a 13 yr old ds. My dd is happy and popular, and friendly with alot of girls but I have seen a couple of her popular friends turn on other children, and my dd had a difficult time one term when one of these girls decided my dd couldn't play, and basically excluded her from all her friends. All sorted now, and my dd has other friends, but this girl is still doing it to other children. It is much harder to help children with friendships once there are at secondary so I can sympathise with that mother trying to cling on to old friendships. It's sad.

[sandyballs]

It is incredibly difficult and sad and for the last 7 years I have been trying to be kind and put myself in her shoes and her girl but now they are at secondary I'm thinking I should let them get on with it.

DH has always said that I've made the situation worse for DD over the years but trying to be kind and including this girl. He thinks I've put her needs above our own daughters and it's time to stop even if that means cutting ties with the parents which seems harsh.

[Feckbox]

I think your friend is pretty out of order trying to get your daughter to hook up with hers after all the past history. She should take a hint when you say your girls are making their own plans .
I have had a similar issue with my son. When he was nine another friend asked if my son would walk her ( younger, year below at school ) son to and from school each day. No problem, until some of my son's other friends occasionally joined them on the walk. My friend and her son objected to this.

[Cahoots]

I also think you should say that your DD has been invited to do something by another friend or family.

[VivaLeBeaver]

How about you invite your friend and dd over another day/evening in the holidays so they still get to see each other/this other girl won't be feeling pushed away, put it still means your dd can be with her new friends on Halloween.

[Flyonthewindscreen]

I remember some of your threads about this girl. I would reply to her mother very cheerful and breezy that DD is organising her own Halloween arrangements and you are not sure what they are, and stick to that line if she pursues you with follow up texts. Given the back story I am surprised the other mother is not concentrating her efforts on helping her DD build new friendships in her new school rather than continuing to chase your DD.