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I have a crush, I think it's mutual. We're both married.

(199 Posts)
idontwantthiscrush Sat 27-Oct-12 08:05:52

Namechanged as known on here in RL.

Looking for genuine practical advice here.

Started a new job 3 months ago and was instantly attracted to a colleague. I expected at the time that he felt the same. Over the past 3 months we have had to work closely together and the sexual tension is crazy. I cannot remember such intense physical attraction with such physical effects, in fact I think I have only had it with 2 or 3 guys In my life (dh is not one of them).

The last month with the work colleague has been the worst. Nothing has been said but I am pretty sure we both feel the same. It's ridiculous crazy chemistry and I just want to do things to him that I know I shouldn't want to.

We are both married and both have 2 young DCs.

So far I have handled this by being totally professional all the time, only going on work events which I really have to (I.e. not seeing him outside work) and when I have had to go I've driven so I wouldn't let any inhibititions go and end up flirting or suchlike. I am trying to invest my sexual and flirtatious energy into my marriage (which has become a bit stale) and also remember that this guy from work has a family, a wife, and probably farts and leaves his cups on top of the dishwasher just like mine does.

The problem is I cannot stop thinking about him. I DO NOT want to act on it. Well, I do in my sexual fantasies but its not a road I want to go down in RL AT ALL.

I've been telling myself for weeks just to get him out of my head and focus on the DCs and DH and how lucky I am with them. I feel like such a teenage fool being a married woman who fancies a colleague.

I know I sound like a muppet but I wondered if anyone has ever experienced this, and what you did to get rid of the crush/tension.

The obvious answer is to leave my job but I was looking for 8months for this job and opportunities in my industry are rare where I live. We can't pay the mortgage without my salary. I also can't work any less with this guy.

Even reading this back I am embarrassed by myself.

thetrackisback Sat 27-Oct-12 08:20:40

You are being a bit rough on yourself. Unfortunately we can't help who we are attracted to and personal chemistry is something out iof your control. You can't help the way you feel but you can help the way you act. You are doing all the right things so try not to feel bad. I think you need to look at ways to liven things up with your hubby as this might diminish the crush.

Funnylittleturkishdelight Sat 27-Oct-12 08:21:08

You need to 'burst the bubble' if you see what I mean. I think what you're experiencing is what many of us fear happening to ourselves! You need to try and condition your brain to feel yuck at seeing him. When you find yourself thinking of him- focus really hard on his bad points...and then think of your beautiful happy family.

Would a project help distract you? Are you bored and your brain is almost inventing a problem to entertain itself?! Could you start a new interest, with your husband would be even better!

Sorry you feel like this sad

betternamechange Sat 27-Oct-12 08:24:36

I had exactly the same experience. It is not an easy place to be but you are doing all the right things. I am not sure there is much more you can do to be honest, other than ride it out and hope it wears off. A cautionary note. I didn't. It developed. It is one almighty mess. I wish you well.

SanctuaryMoon Sat 27-Oct-12 08:28:10

I don't have any practical advice as I haven't been in your situation, but I agree with Funny above that a project to invest your time and 'energy' into might be just what you need. Or maybe you could start to talk to your hubby about how you feel and how you two can give your marriage a bit of a boost?

Don't be so hard on yourself, you can't help what you feel - but do remember how much you don't want to go down this road. You DO want to feel this excitement in your relationship with your husband.

Lougle Sat 27-Oct-12 08:29:40

Could you do the opposite of what you are doing, mentally? It sounds like you are doing all the right things physically, but in your mind you are suppressing your thoughts instead of dealing with them.

Would it be worth sitting down and thinking, hard, about why you are feeling this attraction, is it just physical, a bit emotional too, or whatever, then really deal with it in your mind.

It sounds like it's become a bit like an ' elephant in the room.' Your spending so much time thinking 'don't look at the elephant' that all you can think of is the elephant! Perhaps if you were able to get to a place where you think 'there's an elephant but that isn't very interesting, you will be able to think of other things.

reindeerjumper Sat 27-Oct-12 08:32:07

You could tell your husband, that would defuse it.

idontwantthiscrush Sat 27-Oct-12 08:57:30

God thanks so much ladies - I was preparing for loads of sarcy mnet type comments and am glad of the support and reassurance that I'm not some Scarlett woman.

Project with dh is a good idea - we have one in that we've been doing up our house for ages. Today i suggested we go shopping for bits (the fun part of house renovation!) and get a pub lunch.

lougle - good advice to think about it. It's not emotional I don't think as I don't know him well enough as always try to keep conversations work related with the briefest of "good weekend?" on a monday. He is good looking but not amazing - its just chemistry. I think that because I was looking for work for a while my self confidence was a bit crap. I'm now in this job, being told I'm amazing at it, looking good (I.e. not in jeans and crappy jumpers covered in kid crap) and therefore feeling good about myself. Maybe that's it.

turkish my brain isn't inventing a problem! We have had quite a problematic year. It's possible the colleague is an 'escape' as nobody at work knows the issues we've had this year.

sanctuary and thetrack thanks for telling me not to be so hard on myself. I feel like such a bitch. Starting fantasising about this guy during sex with dh last night blush angry which I know is just so inappropriate.

id betternamechange - want to tell me your story? I won't judge you. Promise.

HaveringGold Sat 27-Oct-12 09:11:51

Been there once as far as mutual crush is concerned. It happens. Dont beat yourself up but also dont be tempted!
What I found worked was to actually be more open - I wittered on about my life, asked him about his, wife, kids the lot - much more than I normally would with any colleague but it burst the bubble. Once I knew the detail of his life he lost his appeal (you almost get to the point where the potential if farts and leaving the lid off the toothpaste is just SO real) and I'm sure he thought I was some boring old sod with nothing to interesting to say. Anyway bubble burst, and we continue to work together still some banter but chemistry well gone.

catsrus Sat 27-Oct-12 09:14:49

Defusing it by telling your husband is the way I dealt with a massive mutual crush - and my exH did the same, we used to joke about them. It reached the point where it was a three way joke with the man too (I.e he and my DH acknowledging it- at a party he once told my H to let him know if he ever decided to leave hmm , he was a work colleague and we met as part of a big social group who also all knew - it wasn't a secret at all. I saw them all recently (moved jobs and now divorced) and man and I chatted and flirted as usual - but even though we are both free i really dont think it will go anywhere despite the attraction being there still (for one thing I have zero interest in a relationship ATM!).

My H of 24yrs is now an exH because he developed an attraction that he didn't defuse by talking about it (even though I could see it developing ) and he left and married her in under a year - at that point I think he was looking for an exit strategy though and I think I probably was too tbh - so the not talking about it was the way of making sure it stayed on the boil and I didn't force the issue.

Being attracted to other people is normal - in 25 yrs with my ex it happened to me just twice, but it happend to him more often though I think some of the women 'in love' with him were a figment of his imagination grin

So do you want an exit strategy or do you want your marriage?

betternamechange Sat 27-Oct-12 09:18:43

Ok. You might not. Others will. I am not sharing this to be judged or resolve my problem, just so you know the possible outcome. I too returned to work after several yrs off and lots of kids. Looked good and felt good. Had a strong physical chemistry with s colleague that blew me away. Like you, not something i have had with many men. I considered myself happily married, quite smugly, with an active sex life. Enjoyed sex with Dh once having it but no lustfulthoughts about him really i suppose. Anyway colleague and i started email banter. Not sexual. Sparky funny intelligent exchanges. We started discovering mutual interests in film music books etc. We never ever talked re our partners. We have never done the whole script thing that folk talk about.
Long story short. This intensified and early this year developed into a sexual relationship. I am not proud of this. I think i thought i could scratch the itch, as it were, once and my crush would go. Unfortunately my feelings have developed and i am questioning my whole life. We both feel guilty. We both know it cent go anywhere as either of us want to break our kids homes. I know. Nobody needs to tell me. I get it. It is unforgivabeable. I am questioning my marriage maybe go permit myself this affair. We don't discuss partners. We enjoy each others company without sex but have an intense sexual connection. I am not asking for opinions. Just letting you know what a hugely emotional mess i habeas created. It can only end in tears. We both know it should end and can go nowhere do what's the point. There. Now you know.

idontwantthiscrush Sat 27-Oct-12 09:21:05

I want my marriage

But not the way it is now. I don't feel sexually attracted to dh at all. Haven't for a long time. He is a good man though and we are best friends. We've only been married 5 years so not that long really and young kids and life stresses have taken their toll a bit. I know it would be like tha with everyone.

I nearly didn't marry him cause I was worried about the lack of sexual attraction but all my past partners who I had the sizzling chemistry with turned out to be unreliable bastards or we had such up and down rollercoster relationships that i was exhausted. I knew dh was a good man who would treat me well, be there for me and make a reliable partner and a wonderful dad.

He is all those things and I am not naive enough to think things would be better with anyone else, I just miss that heart leaping, loins burning feeling... so when I got it it was like a thunderbolt.

idontwantthiscrush Sat 27-Oct-12 09:26:42

betternamechange - I'm not judging you. Infact, thanks for having the balls to put yourself out there. I am scared I would end up in the same place questioning everything (see my post above about dh). Have you talked to anyone in RL about it? You must feel guilty, sad, confused and a whole other of emotions.... Maybe not very happy? Are you still in the affair?

I know the email banter won't start as we both have PAs who read our emails! But I am at the point where I want to see him more and talk more. It's dangerous isn't it. I just have to keep myself away from him except in the work context.

I like the thought of being super boring and mundane and tha diffusing it. Maybe I'll tell him on Monday that I had a busy weekend cleaning bathrooms and shopping for vintage kitchen scales.

betternamechange Sat 27-Oct-12 09:53:38

The slippery slope for me was developing a friendship and discovering so many mutual interests and s mutual sense of humour. My emotions are all over the place. Happiness with him tempered by frustration and guilt at wanting more. Shame and guilt. Consciously distracting myself tp put him out of mind

betternamechange Sat 27-Oct-12 09:57:38

And yes. it is ongoing.

betternamechange Sat 27-Oct-12 10:14:40

And no. Not the kind of thing to share so no one in rl knows.

Shapechanger Sat 27-Oct-12 10:29:20

The not talking about partners is really telling.

I had massive chemistry with a man a few years ago. A very intense friendship developed but nothing 'wrong', not even flirting.

There were bigger 'obstacles' than us both being married. He was literally not allowed to have a relationship with me anyway. You can perhaps work out his profession without my saying.

I wish I had not indulged this friendship. It took me away, emotionally from my marriage and it has ended. Four years on and I am barely over it. I cut the man out of my life when he told me his wife was pg, but he semi-stalked me for nearly three years.

We are all human OP. Unless you physically get away (ie change jobs) this is going to end in tears. I think you made a mistake marrying a man you are not sexually attracted to as this issue will rear its head again sad

Personally I think changing jobs is your only hope.

But try talking a lot about your partner and asking about his first. It might help.

lucyellenmum Sat 27-Oct-12 10:40:11

I fancied a male colleague like mad, i doubt it was reciprocated but we did have a laugh and we often had to work in a room the size of a large airing cupboard, practically on each others laps. I used to have to sit on my hands! I mean, he would come into work in shorts sometimes grin and he had a really nice neck (i have a thing about the back of mens necks) He was also a really nice person.

I enjoyed flirting with him, i often wonder what happened to him, I think he married his lovely girlfriend.

lucyellenmum Sat 27-Oct-12 10:43:20

WTAF?? leave your job? Because you find someone at work attractive?

Please don't do that - there are hardly any jobs around as it is, i daresay struggling to pay the mortgage will be a lot more damaging to your marriage than a bit of wistful flirting.

idontwantthiscrush Sat 27-Oct-12 10:49:15

I'm not planning on leaving the job. I can't anyway and I don't want to cause I love it! Just need to get over the crush!

OneMoreGo Sat 27-Oct-12 11:14:47

This is about you not fancying your DH; the man at work is just a symptom. You need to face up to the fact that there was little attraction even when you married and decide if you can live with that for the rest of your life. I would have some counselling just for myself if I were you, to explore the issue in depth without hurting DH's feelings. Good luck.

hebetrayedme Sat 27-Oct-12 11:50:45

Read all the threads by people who are the victims of affairs (me included) - that should dampen your ardour. If it doesn't then you're an idiot.

NotAnIdiotHonest Sat 27-Oct-12 12:11:48

I'm sorry you're in this situation OP. But I agree with OneMoreGo. I think this is a result of you choosing to marry a man with whom you have little chemistry. It's all very well wanting to do the right thing for your marriage and family, but if you mrried the wrong person you married married the wrong person and you can't force yourself to be happy and satisfied.

NotAnIdiotHonest Sat 27-Oct-12 12:12:57

(Sorry for crap typing and repetition)

Concentrateonthegood Sat 27-Oct-12 12:23:38

I'm in a bit of the same position although I'm single, the focus of my crush is not. No way would I act on it but I feel sure he knows the effect he has on me and he has just suggested that we go out to discuss some work business on a more social footing. That in itself is not so unusual as I do lunch and dinner with colleagues but I don't normally have a big, visible, teenage crush on them! I've been here before, I know it'll pass. Just treat it as a bit of moment in time and try and continue to focus your efforts on other things.

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