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he wont go to councelling

(12 Posts)
youliveyoulearn Sat 27-Oct-12 06:18:31

I think my marriage is at breaking point and feel that we need to go to councelling but H dorsn't think it is nesseccary. He says we know the issues so can work through ourselves. Any advice?

Lueji Sat 27-Oct-12 07:40:23

It's up to you.
And it depends on the issues.
You could go by yourself.
Or tell him that it's either counsellin or the door.

Have you tried before to sort those issues by yourselves?
You could have a go and have counselling if I doesn't work.
Although counselling isn't magical and you'll still have to do quite a lot of work by yourselves.

Funnylittleturkishdelight Sat 27-Oct-12 08:29:52

My stbxh didn't want counselling. When I insisted he went and lied. Pointless. Why is he opposed to it? Could you go on your own?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 27-Oct-12 08:40:59

When I suggested counselling to my now exH he refused for the very obvious reason that he knew he was about to leave anyway. If things are bad and your DH claims to 'know the issues' then what are those issues and what does he plan to do about them? If they magically turn out to be all your fault and not his, if he doesn't think he needs to change but you do... I'd say it was over.

Charbon Sat 27-Oct-12 13:25:37

Your husband doesn't want to go to counselling because he had/is having an affair and he doesn't want a third party to explore that and help you to see that you are being lied to.

I think you would benefit greatly from some counselling on your own though, to examine why you are staying with a man who does this to you. You don't need his permission to go on your own and it would be far better for you personally, than couples counselling where he will lie to the therapist as well.

amillionyears Sat 27-Oct-12 15:51:46

Do you both know all the issues?
Are you both willing to work at them,and do you also think you are both able to work on them?
Is he or you going to stop working at them if things get a bit heated?

youliveyoulearn Sat 27-Oct-12 17:03:57

Yes we both know the issues. I knew there were problems because he has discussed his views on us and our "brother sister" relationship 3 years ago. It caused quite alot of tension with me because I couldn't give him a reason. I told him I loved him but didn't do much else to improve things. Then 3 months ago discovered that he'd been in touch with an ex for the last 2 years.
My problem is although I understand what has gone wrong I can't believe his actions. I need to sort out how to trust him and believe that he loves me.
We have discussed alot over last 3 months but he said he's had enough. Nothing else to tell and need to move forward as there isn't much wrong with our relationship.
He has told me he loves me and respects me and wants us to work this out so why am I making it this difficult?

izzyizin Sat 27-Oct-12 17:27:37

You're not making it difficult. He's created this situation by being an utter arse and if he truly loves and respects you and wants to work this out, he'll be more than willing to attend joint counselling sessions.

Under the circumstances, I suggest you take on board what Charbon has said and act on the excellent advice gven to explore why you're letting your h fuck with your head as well as with ow.

amillionyears Sat 27-Oct-12 17:28:17

Do you love him and respect him and want to work it out?
Do you really know why you have a brother sister relationship?
Do you think he has slept with his ex?

Charbon Sat 27-Oct-12 17:28:35

Because he won't answer any questions about his affair and keeps telling you to stop mentioning it.

Because you know instinctively that you are being lied to.

Those are incredibly healthy feelings.

It would be unhealthy on the other hand to quell that inner voice and stop making things difficult in your marriage.

Because if you ignore yourself in all this and tell yourself you should get over it, you're going to make things difficult for your own mental health.

You've got far more responsibility to your mental health than you have to your relationship.

cestlavielife Sat 27-Oct-12 20:13:27

go on your own. that will be helpful i am sure.

Funnylittleturkishdelight Sat 27-Oct-12 20:22:14

definitely go on your own- figure out what YOU want, outside of his own agenda.

You might be able to save it, and if you start, it might encourage him to go. If it isn't 'saveable' you'll be in the best place to process the emotions of a split.

You aren't making it difficult, you just want to be happy: there is nothing wrong with that.

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