just want it to stop hurting

[KurtWild]

Hi all..I said I'd come back with an update..my old thread is here //www.mumsnet.com/.../a1548743-just-want-to-get-this-off-my-chest

It's not going to be a masterpiece, I'm sat here sobbing. He's done everything right by me and the babies, can't fault him at all re money and he visits one weekend a month and has been brilliant. I said in my old thread I barely recognised him as the man I fell in love with. Well a little time and space apart and that man seemed to be back. He told me he couldn't stop thinking about me and what he was losing. And that he wanted me back and knew the changes he had to make, mostly curbing the nights out and to be in contact more..all of which he's done and we began planning christmas..
So why am I sat here sobbing? Last weekend was the best weekend we'd had in ages..and we had sex for the first time again in..well..ages and it was incredible. And when he left on monday morning it was with a kiss and a cuddle... And tonight he's sent me three epic texts that have broken my heart all over again. All of them stating how wonderful I am, how happy I've made him, no one will ever make him happier nor replace me in his heart, thanking me for everything I've given him..my time, my love, three perfect babies... But he wants the chance to fall in love all over again and not with me. And he won't be here for Christmas he'll be in America as he's been asked to do two months work there and has accepted..so we won't see him again now until the new year. Quote "I accepted because it's only one christmas and the babies are still small so it won't bother them.. I know you love me but the extra time apart will give you chance to move on.."
I can't believe I was such an idiot. I so wanted to believe he wanted us back, he made the changes willingly and I could feel him coming back to me. Now I'm on the floor again. I just want it to stop hurting. Please tell me it'll stop hurting.

[thetrackisback]

That is so cruel. You know you don't deserve it and you can do better. It will get better but we are here Kurt. Can someone in rl give you a big hug?

[lowercase]

It sounds like he has lied to you or led you on at least...going on about how he doesn't want to lose you, sleeping with you...then dumping you from a great height...
Dont know your first thread, but didn't want to trawl through that when you are hurting now.
I have been in a similar situation (except the reuniting bit) and remember well the agony...but I'm ok now.
Such a cliche but time is the healer...
My heart goes out to you.

[KurtWild]

Thanks..I just so wanted to believe in him again I let myself get carried away by the thought of having my family back together. My mum and dad are a train ride away, I leant on them so much before, I can't do it again.

[Jennylee]

Oh that is heartless I read your first thread . I hope you get through it , the man is terrible don't let him near you ever again. So sorry this happened

[thetrackisback]

Go to your mum Kurt. Do what you did first time. You are strong you can do it again.........

[lowercase]

You can lean on your folks, and you can lean on us...

Like someone else said, you can do it again, but quicker, stronger and surer this time.
Try not to think about him and what he is up to, start living in the moment and addressing what you need to do to get through.
How old are your dc?

[KurtWild]

My babies won't have their daddy at christmas :( I just want to call him and ask him how he could do this to me again, but I know all I'll do is cry down the phone. So I called my mum instead and she wants me to take the babies there for the weekend.

[KurtWild]

lowercase I have three under 3's..the eldest already miss their daddy so much, how can he think they won't be bothered if he's not here at christmas?

[lowercase]

Your mums sounds like a good idea.
Christmas is a long way off, lots will change by then...
Try and focus on each day / moment...worry about situations as they arise...try not to phone him, it will keep you in pain ( I rang my ex drunk / crying / abusive most nights for the best part of a year, waste of breath )
Turn your attention to yourself, and your little ones who need you.

[lowercase]

I think he is being dishonest about that, lying to you and himself.
Or perhaps he means they won't be bothered because you will pick up the pieces again...and you will.

What a swine, I'm fuming on your behalf.

[Doha]

Okay he wants to go to America as a free man -free to shag whoever he wants without guilt.
Then he will come back to you again with conscience clear...again begging for a chance, you are the love of his life etc.

That is twice he has done this to you. This is not a nice man and not a good father who can treat the mother of his kids in such a cruel callous way. He is leaving them without even a goodbye. He loves on one but himself

Kurt you have 2 months to toughen up. Forget this man -he does not deserve your tears.
You are the lucky one with 3 wonderful DC's and a great set of parents--he has nothing except a job.

Go visit your parents again for the weekend, lean on them and let them take care of you, their hearts will be breaking too watching you in so much pain.

Take care of yourself

[gingerpig]

you poor poor woman I'm so sorry. go to your mum and let her comfort and support you. what a selfish man, thinking of only himself.

right now just focus on getting through, and take all the help you need. there's no shame in that.

you are an amazing woman xxx

[SoleSource]

Boosting his own confidence/ego by flooring yours. What a cunty loser he is inside.

Would you treat someone lime that OP?

[KurtWild]

Thanks lowercase..I have been concentrating on myself and my little ones since the split, I think he noticed the confidence in me and I recently made friends with a single dad from my toddler group (just friends, good to talk with as he has just split from his wife and is now raising his 18 month old full time) and I received a text or two from him while ExP was visiting once. I don't think he wanted me back at all, I think he just didn't like the idea of anyone else having me, not that that's even on the cards. I really thought we were working together again, trying to work towards being a family again.

[KurtWild]

Doha...that's the first thing that came into my head.. He wants to shag himself silly in america then he'll come back and say he was an idiot blah blah blah..I won't take him back again. He is the love of my life and no doubt about it but he doesn't deserve to be, not any more.
Thanks gingerpig and SoulSource..no, I wouldn't treat anyone like that and I never have..I'm very much do as you would be done by.

[SoleSource]

Thete you are

That is something you will always have over him. He wont be popular with his damaged heart/soul. Yours isvrepairable and lovely. His is rotten, manipulative and a pretense. ;)

[SoleSource]

He is a pretender, you are real x

[MummysHappyPills]

Do you know what? I thought exp was the love of my life, and shamefully me secretly thinking this may have tainted the first couple of years I was with dp. But I found out he got married to someone else not long ago. At first the news floored me. But then I don't know what happened, but I started seeing things for what they were really like, and remembered some of the horrible times instead of the good times. And instead of envying this other woman I started to feel sorry for her. Because I know she will spend her whole marriage running around after this manchild trying to seek his approval. With dp I can just be ME.

Your dh has behaved so abhorrently it is untrue. And of course your dc will miss him. DD would miss dp and she is only 20 months. The pain will be raw, and possibly for a long time. But one day you will wake up and realise that he is NOT the love of your life. He is just a man, if you can call him that, who has lied and deceived you and hurt you deeply. He will come crashing off his pedestal sure enough, but it make take some time.

[maras2]

Kurt,you're a lovely person and a wonderful mum.Your < hopefully STBX > is not a nice man.You are very vulnerable just now but take your Mum's offer up as you need all of RL.help as much as us M'snetters.I wish that I could take some of this pain from you.Mx.

[KurtWild]

Thanks sole, mummys and maras.. Tomorrow I'm going to go to my mum and dads, my mum phoned to see if I had calmed down and repeated the offer of going there for the weekend. It feels pathetic running to them again but I know they'd rather have me there than worry about me here. Off to make myself some tea and toast and then I'm going to try and sleep. Certainly wasn't expecting this tonight.

[gingerpig]

I know you're utterly devastated, but at least this awful behaviour of his has confirmed once and for all what a selfish man he really is, and so unworthy of your love. don't let him play games with you - because that's what he's doing now. gather up every ounce if strength you have and tell yourself that at least you found out now..and not in another year or so. he's the ultimate loser in all of this.

[bringupthebabies]

God by text too? He really knows how to treat a person well doesn't he? What a total shit. You deserve sooo much better. In time I think you will be grateful that you didn't get sucked in further again with this pathetically weak and inadequate man.

I hope you sleep tonight and have a rest over the weekend at your parents. God I'd be beyond furious if I was your mother. And beyond ashamed if I was his.

At least this confirms exactly what sort of person your ex is. And once you've put a bit of distance between you and him again you'll be able to look back without regret that you are not with him. Watch out USA, you've got a total asshole coming over there.

[MummysHappyPills]

Don't feel silly going to your mum's. just imagine how devastated you would feel if someone was putting one if your dc's through this? Wouldn't you want them close to you so you could comfort them? I ran home to my mum's when exp and I split up. I am normally very independent but I needed looking after. Let your folks look after you. X

[SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR]

Look,this,pillock,thinks,that.you.are.so.desperately.in.love,with.him,that.you.will.put.up.with.any.amount.of.crap.He.wants.you.to.be.a.cross.betwee.his.mother.who.will.provide.unquestioning.domestic.service,and.a.faithful.old.dog.that.he.can.neglect.and.then.pat.on.the.head.in.passing.

You.deserve.better.Anyone.would.

[ChippingInLovesAutumn]

... all by text. What a bastard :( I'm glad you're going to see your Mum & Dad - let them look after you for a few days, you deserve and they'll want to do it.


How he's treat you aside, I can't believe he's going away for that long and not even bothering to say good bye to his kids. Apart from anything else, that would finish him for good as far as I would be concerned.