Troubles relationship with son...

[niniminnie]

I'm 22 married with 4 children (4,3,20months & 8months) i suffer from severe depression and i love my children dearly and would do anything for them of course. my second child a little boy is really difficult and a defiant child and i cant seem to handle him well. my husband works but them 2 have a beautiful relationship and bond but i dont seem to have one i do love him very much but he is irriating, annoys me with his whinging, behaviour, he is a typical boy. i just cant seem to cope with him.

from when he was born we have had a difficult relationship and really a bond it has taken alot of time to get it where it is now but its not as good as the others. it seems that the way he is with his behaviour and our bond/relationship i cant help but feel the feel i feel! i dont want to be like this with him he is a beautiful, cheeky and smiling, happy little boy when im not feeling negtive about him i just need a change in me to help everything.. so this is a bit about him..

he daydreams alot, ive got to shout at him to get his attention. he draws on walls know matter how many times i tell him not to and write on his paper or colouring book, climbs everything like i said he is a typical boy gets into everything and anything.

i just dont know how to cope with him even if i spend more time with him, talk normally to him and calmly insisted of shouting at him it doesnt change anything what he does.

can anyone suggest anything that could possibly help and improve not only his behaviour but our relationship too!!
T.I.A....

[BessieMcBean]

I had 2 girls then a boy and the boy was blissfully easy to look after compared to two girls winding each other up so I don't think it's to do with him being a boy.

Maybe he is just needing more attention from you, the two little ones must take up so much of your time that there isn't much left for him. Any chance of finding some one to one time for him every few days, with someone else minding the others.

My middle one felt she missed out, she wasn't the special first born nor the baby of the family so felt she was a bit ignored (which she probably was! as the eldest was terrible twos when she was born so didn't get nearly so much attention as the first).

[niniminnie]

Yes maybe your right! Seeing has he is my second he might feel abit pushed out do you have any suggests about what types of games I could play with him, he doesn't like playing with me you see, he is very inpendant if I suggest something for us to do he doesn't want to do it even if its football outside (I don't allow balls in the house he tends to break things) I have to give it ago and see if me and him get better one to one - thank you :)

[BessieMcBean]

Perhaps he would like to 'help' you with something. If Dad's not there he can be your 'man about the house' and help to sweep the drive, clean the flies off the front of the car etc then get lots of praise for being so helpful to you.

[niniminnie]

Oh that's a great idea I've never thought of that before! I think he'll be quiet proud if we do that together I may try this today!

[ImperialBlether]

OP, I had exactly the same problem. I was suffering from depression but hadn't identified it. My son used to nag me to do things and drive me mad. He'd repeat the same thing over and over, eg "Mum, I'm hungry" when I was putting out the dinner. I'd cope for a while, saying, "It'll be just a minute" but he'd say it so often I'd end up yelling and then he'd cry.

I went to the doctor about him driving me mad and the doctor (who was lovely) said, rather than giving him something, let's give you something first. If that doesn't work, we'll look at him. After a few days on ADs I was able to cope with him, so if he said, "I'm hungry" I'd give him a little job to do, like setting the table, or a piece of cheese to keep him going. Because I was calmer, I was able to respond to him better and I never had any trouble from him again.

I've just realised, typing this, that he's still pretty awful when he's hungry - he's 20 now and the only time he's ever irritable is if he's hungry.

Do you take ADs for your depression?

[dequoisagitil]

You've an awful lot on your plate with 4 children under 5 and depression.

It's good that you have recognised this dynamic in your relationship with your son and want to change it.

Make sure you're getting all the help you can, with your depression and with the practicalities. It's likely that help with how you're feeling and practical support & advice will help enormously.

[amillionyears]

Is he the only boy?
Did you want boys?
Did you have an easy birth with him?
Did your depression start after he was born?
Do you have eg brothers?
Do you do all the disciplining of your son,and your DH doesnt?
Does your DH play and interact a lot more with your son,than he does with the girls?

I have boys and girls. I have to say,my girls were a piece of cake compared to the boys.
Now that they are all older,my relationship with them all is the same,but it is irritating when a child of any gender is more whiny than the others. In my experience,and maybe others,they do grow out of it. He is only 3 so dont lose hope just yet!

[niniminnie]

I do take AD for my depression I have for the last 4/3years. After my first the doctor just kept saying its your hormones getting back to normal but I just didn't feel 'normal' I want me at all. I moved doctors and they finally listened to me and helped with medication it took a few trys but finally found the right dose and tablets thaty worked for me.
I've got 2boys and 2girls he is my second and my girls are so easy and even my youngest which is a boy is easy I just find him very difficult he listens to my husband and even nursery but don't listen to me he's new saying lately is 'no way mummy'. I've only got a step brother but because he is a lot older than me I don't really speak with him or now how he was like I've got an older sister and a younger one too. My little sister is very defiant she is 20 and still acts like a child.
He's birth was the most difficult out the them all and from the moment I found out I was pregnant I didn't want him but it wasn't down to hios gender it was just my pregnancy with him I suffered really bad after he was born and didn't have a bond with him, even now I struggle with our bond their are times were I wish things were different like having the bond I do with the rest of my 3 children and even imagine how life would be if I never had him. I know its just me and my feelings but he is picking up on it now and I don't feel right with that.
I don't know how to cope with him I don't like spending time with on his own when he is whinging at me and not listening. If he wakes up in a good mood then the day is bareable other wise he isn't is a good mood I'm pulling out my hair with him. Even when he laughs he does this whinge first then comes the laugh but because I've had the whinge I don't appericate the laugh which is adorable.
I just don't know what to do to improve this I don't want me to resient me when he older for the way I'm being with him now!

[Opentooffers]

One day, my usually lovely, sweet-natured son got a bad case of the grumps. It was such a stark change I was surprised and wondered if body-snatchers had switched him! Then I gave him his tea and, as if by magic, I had my son back. It's amazing how their personality can change when hungry lol. Since then when he's like this after school my first thought is to ask him what he had for lunch. He'll say he didn't like it when he's like this so I know what to do. Not saying this is true for every boy, but made me laugh reading Imperial's post as identify so much.

[amillionyears]

It sounds to me like it is a bonding issue.
I dont know much about that.
I did a quick google.

www.yourtango.com/experts/janie-lacy/10-tips-re-bond-your-childchildren

the above link seems good,there are others.
hth