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friends

(21 Posts)
Odessa88 Fri 26-Oct-12 14:39:04

Hi, I'm new so apologies if this thread is in the wrong place or I've wriiten it twice!
Long story short...I'm the only one of my friends with a child (though I'm almost 30).
We have a strange relationship and I've always felt left out and excluded a bit. My friends didn't bother with me when I was pregnant and visited my son for the first time at 3 months.
I find it difficult to make new friends, even starting up a conversation with another mum freaks me out. I have anxiety you see sad
Anyway, my friends all refused to meet up this Saturday (my partner is great and encourages me to keep in touch with people). Next thing I discovered they are all going for a night out on Saturday, after they fed me various excuses.
I feel so sad and depressed. I don't know why they don't like me. I don't think its because I'm a mum because they did this prior to my son being born.
Please could you advise me what to do? I feel like I should just put up with it because I can't make other friends.

CuriousMama Fri 26-Oct-12 14:44:43

Well I think you should make other friends although tbh I wouldn't exactly call them friends bitches.

Your dp sounds lovely smile So there's one good friend you have.

Could you join a group? Art class or anything you fancy? Book club at your local library? Bit of voluntary work?

I found when I started having dcs some friends drifted away. They're not missed.

Have you started going to baby and toddler groups yet? I found them ok to meet people to chat to.

CuriousMama Fri 26-Oct-12 14:46:05

Oh and have you tried the local meet ups on here? Or dare I say it, Netmums wink

Odessa88 Fri 26-Oct-12 14:56:37

Hi curious x thanks for yr reply I appreciate it smile
I'm new to net mums...what's the local meet ups?
I've been to a couple of mum and baby groups but I get very shy lol they are nice people but the conversation doesn't go too far.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 26-Oct-12 15:06:11

I think everyone's a little awkward at first with new people. Some you meet and don't get along with, others are nice to talk to but no more than that. Meet 100 people and if you connect with just one of them on more than a 'casual acquaintance' level, I think you're doing really well. But you have to meet the other 99 in order to find that person. The old bunch sound pretty nasty to me so don't let them knock your confidence. Go places where people like you might be, be welcoming, invite people round, put yourself out a bit.... if they're nice they'll respond in kind.

livingfortoday Fri 26-Oct-12 15:16:18

Odessa

I have a 9month old. This happened to me a few months back. I invited usual mums I know from older dc got no reply to find they had gone somewhere. This was last straw and I got very upset.

I also felt like I had done something wrong or had my dc fell out with theirs that I didn't know about as such things can fester. But no, I had to face the fact that who I thought were my friends were not and these did make a fuss of me through pregnancy and were great source of support.

It took me a while to stop worrying and feeling paranoid about why this happens.

First made a conscious decision to stay away and protect myself from any further rejection and the feelings that come with it.

Secondly I made it my business to go out everyday. Joined three baby groups and I have made some really lovely friends.

Thirdly I bought myself some new bits and bobs and was generally kind to myself, gave me a bit of a boost.

I also received some good advice on here. Smile a rise above it, discount people like this they are bitches. There will be one who said Oooo she won't want to come...and the others just fell into line - there always is. And some maybe be quite jealous that you have started a family. I've had two babies and each time there has been some issue with a friend.

What happened after I did the above. One came and asked me what the issue was I told her the truth. And then we chatted about the dc's as usual. The other one never said anything but has remained open to dc's meeting up for stuff so that was all fine. But the remaining one never came over said anything as I know it was her subtly manipulating others. As others have different arrangements re kids this term she has ended up standing on her own. I stand on my own out of choice.

So what I am saying is there will be one I the middle, and things may change but please as much as it does hurt to accept it they are not there for you.

On Monday you are going to go to a new baby group. Tuesday you can go window shopping and have a Coffe in nearest town/retail place. Wednesday take your baby swimming or whatever. Be patient, it's not a bad thing to be shy it gives you time to observer and suss people out more!

Book a baby sitter and spend some time with your DP too. I bet you have more people around you than you think.

livingfortoday Fri 26-Oct-12 15:20:50

Cogs right about inviting people round too.

I've hosted two Macmillan mornings and about to have a Halloween coffee morning. Go for it, whe you make the decision you will feel more in control, which means less anxiety and not at the mercy of whether some jealous cow has txt you back about a night out.

Odessa88 Fri 26-Oct-12 15:50:04

Thank you all for your lovely comment x
Yeah, I need to try and get myself out there more. Unfortunately I always let my nerves stop me being approachable and mingling.
There is a 'ring leader' in the group I suppose, she's definitely the worst. I wish they would just be honest about whatever is wrong but I suppose that's unlikely.
I'll definitely keep up with the baby groups x
Thanks everyone for taking the time to advise me smile

CuriousMama Fri 26-Oct-12 15:51:36

You're welcome and am glad you've got some good advice. I'm not sure about netmums meet ups as haven't done them but have met mumsnetters. I'm not nice sane enough for netmums blush

CuriousMama Fri 26-Oct-12 15:53:12

Oh and btw I've just got a book from the library, NLP in 21 days by Harry Alder and Beryl Heather and it looks like it'll help with anxiety. I have panic disorder although am not a nervous person, so it's strange really but anyway I tried a few NLP self help tips and they work smile May help with confidence too?

You may have been Wendied but I think it's far more likely they haven't a clue how to relate to you as you've moved on in your life compared to them (and that is THEIR problem not yours).

Make nicer friends elsewhere, I'll bet when another of them has a baby they will realise how crap it is to leave you out.

Sorry missed your last post, I was a bit too charitable - now that you say there's a ringleader I think Wendy-like behaviour is more likely bitches

Hope you make some other nicer and better friends.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 26-Oct-12 16:50:58

"I wish they would just be honest about whatever is wrong "

You neither want or need to know what's wrong. Follow these instructions.
1. Bend your arms at the elbows and point your palms upward.
2. Raise your shoulders up towards your ears
3. Turn down corners of mouth and stick chin out a little
4. Say loudly... 'Meh. Their loss'
5. Go out and make new friends.

Odessa88 Fri 26-Oct-12 17:16:18

Lol thank you guys smile you are all totally right.
It just hurts full stop when someone (friend or otherwise) does things like that.
Special thanks to everyone smile

badtime Fri 26-Oct-12 17:32:54

Have you ever seen the film 'Muriel's Wedding'?
If you haven't, you should. It's got a lot to say about friends.

CuriousMama Fri 26-Oct-12 18:44:47

Oh I love Muriel's wedding and her new friend is fantastic, better than the load of snotty bitches she was friends with. Yes OP get it grin

I've had friends in the past who drop you like a hot brick when they find someone more of use. I have much better friends now in my old age 44. I just became more discerning.

CuriousMama Fri 26-Oct-12 18:45:23

Haha when I tried to cross out 44 it just highlighted it grin

OovoofWelcome Fri 26-Oct-12 20:54:58

Yes OP, sometimes you have to let go of negative people even if you feel they will just leave a big gaping hole in your life. It releases energy and creates space for new friends. You're too hung up on these nasty 'friends' to be ready to notice the overtures of friendship from new people.

Once you distance yourself from them, you may feel a bit blue about your (temporary!) lack of friends for a bit, but you can also feel proud of yourself for making that decision, and for valuing yourself smile

You sound lovely. Let go of those non-friends and open yourself up to the future!

CupsofTeaAndHandfulsOfCake Fri 26-Oct-12 21:08:58

Dump the friends you have they sound like smelly arseholes. The time you might have spend wasted with them can be used to make new friends.

Odessa88 Sat 27-Oct-12 09:24:54

I think that's why I haven't dumped them...its the realisation of being a person who has no friends! You are right though, oov, once that passes it will get better. I think I got caught up thinking bad friends are better that no friends and that's not true.

OovoofWelcome Sun 28-Oct-12 23:30:22

You're right Odessa - bad friends who hurt your feelings, make you tense, create paranoia - they are waaaaaaay worse than no friends!

In processing the decision to drop them, in dealing with that feeling of aloneness, in focusing more on the future, you are changing yourself and the type of friend you attract.

You will find far nicer and more like-minded people before you know it. And you'll wish you'd made those changes ages ago!

Nature abhors a vacuum so create that space and feel excited about what's around the corner smile

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