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Caught wife in the act with another man

(242 Posts)
Caughtwifewithanotherman Fri 26-Oct-12 11:19:54

I can't quite believe I'm on here posting, but I stumbled across this site this morning whilst trying to make sense of the worst night of my life last night. I'm not sure I'm "allowed" to post on here as a bloke, but I'm hoping for some advice as I don't know what to do and am feeling devastated.

I discovered my wife straddled on top of another man (that she works with) in our car after a night out that they'd been on (they'd been to an evening function with other people as well and were both drunk). I had been working away for the day and had arranged to meet her and arrived early (it was actually 11pm - the car was on a deserted car park).

They hadn't had sex, but had done pretty much everything else and I can't get the image out of my head of opening the car door and finding them there on the passenger seat (her straddling him, bra undone, him with hand between her legs ...).

We've been together 12 years, married for 8 and 30's. She is the love of my life and I'm totally gutted. Our marriage has been going through a difficuly period for a few months now as we both feel as though we've drifted apart and not sure what we want from life - partly attributed to a feeling of marrying "too young". We are both "nice / normal" people who rarely argue and this is so out of character it's unbelievable.

I'm not sure I can forgive her as the pain is so intense. I'm sure it wouldn't be as bad if she'd told me about it as opposed to me discovering it.

We have talked and cried for hours and she has said it meant nothing and she saw it as more of a "shock factor" type moment and in a perverse kind of way she is glad I've found out as it might revive and save our marriage.

To make things worse I've been suspicious about my wife and this "colleague" for several months now - lots of time spent away working, hundreds of texts (I've now seen them and it is obvious that despite some flirty banter, this was the first time it was acted upon).

I think we both want to make a go of it but my wife (based upon the unhappy period of a few months before last night) doesnt seem so certain, although she is desperate for us to "try". I've told her all contact with this guy will need to cease (Facebook, twitter, texts, emails etc), although I recognise their paths may cross due to their line of work. When I talked about deleting him from twitter etc she didnt seem convinced - she knows she's made a huge mistake and doesnt seem to realise what impact it would have on me if they remained FB friends etc.

I'm in the depths of despair - please help. I also forgot to mention we have a 5 year old daughter - how could she.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 26-Oct-12 11:46:41

Sorry you've had such a nasty shock and you're quite right, if you hadn't discovered it, she clearly wouldn't have told you. If your wife is not so certain and planning to keep this person as a FB friend then you won't be able to repair the relationship, I'm afraid, because she's not taking it seriously. She may say she wishes to try but, at times like this, talk is cheap. I would recommend you tell her to give you some space i.e. move out, while you think things through. While you're thinking you may find it useful to get some legal advice should the worst happen. Goo

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 26-Oct-12 11:48:26

Good luck, that was meant to finish...

moonfacebaby Fri 26-Oct-12 11:55:04

I'm sorry you are going through this, it's bloody awful.

Firstly, she cannot remain friends or have any contact with this man if she wants to work on your marriage.

Secondly, the fact that your marriage was having problems is due to her directing her energy towards this other man. She may have felt some sense of dissatisfaction with the marriage but starting up the flirty banter will have caused her to detach at home.

If she is serious about working on the marriage, there are a couple a good books - Shirley Glass " just good friends" & " how to help you spouse heal from your affair" by Linda mcDonald ( I think).

Some would advise that you make her leave - so you have time to think. I personally did not want my H to leave as I had too many questions that needing answering.

This will be a tough time. It is a roller coaster of emotions & you need to do whatever it takes to get you through it.

oldwomaninashoe Fri 26-Oct-12 11:59:25

Is she sorry because of her behaviour or sorry that she was caught?
The answer may give you some indication as to how serious she is about wanting to "try" again.

Caughtwifewithanotherman Fri 26-Oct-12 12:06:44

I really appreciate the quick responses - more than you'll ever know.

I just feel so scared for the future - ridiculous as I'm a normally confident guy with a great job and everything appearing wonderful "on the outside".

My wife is right in saying that things haven't been "right" for some time - but I cannot accept this as a reason for what happened last night. They were clearly both very drunk, but the questions keep coming thick and fast (wanting details etc) and I can think of nothing else.

I'm really worried about the impact on my daughter if we split up and one of us moves out. It will have to be me who moves out as I travel with work 2 or 3 times a week and it would be too unstable for her having to find childminders etc. This makes it even worse as it will make it seem as thought I'm the one who is leaving (i.e. my fault).

I'm incredulous that my wife is even considering keeping him as a facebook friend - but as said above, this is a worrying sign. Not only did I discover what I discovered last night, but she is now saying she still doesn't know what she wants (i.e. i could potentially forgive her for this - although it would be very tough and very painful - only to get ditched in a month or two's time when she's decided what she wants to do).

Thanks again for responding, it's helping me a bit to write this down. I meant what I said when I said she's the love of my life. I love her so much and have never felt so betrayed and let down.

EdsRedeemingQualities Fri 26-Oct-12 12:06:46

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It sounds awful.

I don't have any real advice but fwiw, I'm sorry, and I hope that you will recover from it, either together or on your own.

It's such a shame about your daughter as well.

Take care xx

Offred Fri 26-Oct-12 12:07:52

sad how utterly awful! sad

So angry for you, not so much because of the cheating but her behaviour surrounding it. She seems to be blaming you for whatever she can and failing to take any responsibility. I have to say I would be asking her to leave for a while so you can consider your feelings and react to the shock without her trying to dictate and control your reaction.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 26-Oct-12 12:13:27

"she still doesn't know what she wants "

Who is she to put you in a situation where you are waiting for the thumbs up or thumbs down? Don't leave the family home and don't give up on your DD either. Send your DW to stay with family or something while she cools her heels. Then take some time out to work out how feasible it would be to be main carer with your DW as NRP. Women do this all the time. I travel for work and I'm a single parent with sole responsibility. It costs money and you have to call in favours but it's do-able.

DioneTheDiabolist Fri 26-Oct-12 12:28:33

Caught I am so sorry that your DW has done this to you. You mist feel like a grenade has just been thrown into your life.

You discovered your wife's infidelity last night. You are both in shock at the moment (I doubt she thought she'd be found out). Things can change very quickly as the shock subsides and reality starts to sink in. And in your case, they need to change quickly. Your wife needs to cease contact with this man if she is committed to working on repairing the damage she has done and working on your relationship.

I hope she comes to her senses sooner rather than late. Oh, and try to get out if the house for a bit this weekend and go for walks. It will really help you to get some fresh air and clear your head.

Good luck.

MyDonkeysAZombie Fri 26-Oct-12 12:32:33

Not to heap things on your head and make you feel worse but just to gently say, people in your wife's situation will often attempt to minimise and deflect.

It is good that you are talking but I think any attempt to work through this will be severely hampered not to say torpedoed by her keeping in contact with OM. At the very least if she is genuinely remorseful she should answer any questions you ask and be completely transparent with her phone or pc. As he is a colleague this makes it all the more difficult.

I don't know how useful couples counselling is if one person ie in your case your wife is now wavering and not sounding as committed to trying again as you are.

I know it has been a bitter blow and you are still reeling but think hard, would you split up now were it not for your DD (daughter)?

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Fri 26-Oct-12 12:34:10

The question you need to ask yourself (and her), did she emotionally leave the marriage because she started fancying this colleague and started flirting with him?

If her mind was on him, no wonder your marriage was "not right", she had already emotionally left.

She has possibly been paving the way for last nights moment for some time.
Giving herself permission, because your marriage was "not right", but in the cold light of day, did she orchestrate the coldness between you so she could give herself permission to stray?

Totally awful for you, but could you consider asking her to pack her bags and leave until she clears her head a little?

Pussyfooting around her, hoping and begging, is not going to endear her to you again, rather the opposite.

hildebrandisgettinghappier Fri 26-Oct-12 12:35:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LittleAbruzzenBear Fri 26-Oct-12 12:35:51

Firstly, that is just horrid, so sorry for you. What Cogito said. Your wife sounds more sorry that she was caught than sorry for hurting you and she should not be calling the shots. Good luck. x

LittleAbruzzenBear Fri 26-Oct-12 12:36:57

Sorry, that should read 'I agree with Cogito'

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Fri 26-Oct-12 12:38:03

Unless your child is a young breastfeeding baby, there is no reason why SHE should be the main carer, and YOU leave the family home.

I would see a solicitor pronto if I were you, to establish your rights as a father and get her to move rather than you.

unexpectediteminbaggingarea Fri 26-Oct-12 12:38:32

So sorry for you. Your wife has betrayed you very badly, and you must be feeling so hurt. Take some time to think about what you want, and how much you are prepared to put up with. You have done nothing wrong here, and however much 2 people do contribute to relationship problems, her response to that was absolutely not ok and not excusable. The situation with your daughter is so difficult - you are the wronged party and yet you would have to leave if that's what it came to.

Relationships can survive infidelity. Mine is one, although the circumstances were very different, and my husband's response was very different (he was the one who was unfaithful). Had there been anything other than absolute contrition and regret on his part then our marriage would not have survived, and it very nearly didn't anyway. Nearly 3 years later we are very happy and I trust him. Not absolutely, but enough.

Do keep posting on here, we're a friendly bunch.

PosieParker Fri 26-Oct-12 12:38:50

Well I wound't forgive or forget and so my marriage would be over if I found my DH with another woman. But your wife sounds like she couldn't really care less, in fairness, as she doesn't want to delete this guy as a fb friend.

I think you marriage is over.

MyDonkeysAZombie Fri 26-Oct-12 12:44:23

PS Very drunk at that time or not, doesn't excuse anything and "in a perverse kind of way she's glad you found out" is as cruel a way of brazening it out as I ever heard.

SavoyCabbage Fri 26-Oct-12 12:48:24

This is just awful. sad no wonder your marriage has been going through a bad patch it she had this other chap in her sights. You should get some legal advice and do not move out.

countingto10 Fri 26-Oct-12 12:48:31

Second the advice about seeing a solicitor - you don't have to act on any advice but it gives you a sense of control when everything is spinning out of control.

It is best not to make any life changing decisions whilst you are still in shock but tell her to leave to give you some head space if you need to. In my case I found it quite hard to be separated from my DH at the time as I had so many questions etc and how can you work on a marriage if you are not actually there IYSWIM. As it turned out we were separated for about 4 months in the end.

Your "D"W may be ahead of the game and may have even taken legal advice and like others have said, she will attempt to minimise everything to begin with.

Not Just Friends by Dr Shirley Glass is good and I found this site useful when I needed answers that DH couldn't or wouldn't hmm give them.

Good luck, remember one day at a time and research suggests that men react no differently to women on discovery of their spouse's affair so be very kind to yourself. Have you anyone in rl you can talk to, if not please seek some counselling for yourself.

NymphadoraTonks Fri 26-Oct-12 12:48:34

I'm so sorry, that must have been just the worst thing in the world to experience, I can't even imagine what I would do. I wish you all the luck in the world hug

Other people will be able to give you good advice on here, because honestly, I'd be rubbish in this situation. I'd probably have kicked her out by now, especially if she's still keeping in contact with this man. That is just totally inappropriate.

PfftTheMagicDraco Fri 26-Oct-12 12:59:52

It will take you months and months (and probably years) to get past this (if indeed you can, or do).

What you need now is space. To think, and sort out what's going to happen.

What is most important is that you stand up for yourself. Don't let her talk about how she doesn't know what she wants. Take control and think about what YOU want. It's not all about her. I'm really sorry that this happened to you sad

Floralnomad Fri 26-Oct-12 13:03:02

Sorry , nothing much to add , your wife sounds like a complete cow TBH .id just like to say whatever you do do not move out , this is not your fault . If she won't delete him as a friend on FB IMO she has no commitment to either you or your marriage .

Caughtwifewithanotherman Fri 26-Oct-12 13:07:37

Thank you so much for all of the comments and advice. I've just had another long chat with her and a few more things have come out (I've also told her I've posted on a forum and am getting some totally independent advice).

She admits that she has been attracted to this man over the past few months and admits this would have led to some of the troubles in our marriage (i.e. the flirty banter with me stopped and started with him). As stated above, it feels like the build up to last night has been going on for some time and the alcohol and cirumstances of last night tipped it over the edge.

She has also said that she is going to cease all contact with this guy (FB etc) as she wants to make our marriage work and attempt to one day have a happy future together - I told her that I felt she should have been saying this first thing this morning and not now at 1pm.

You are not going to believe this but my wife is a really lovely person - everybody thinks she's really nice and one of those rare all round kindly souls. She's attractive and one of those people who will do anything for anyone. Up until last night I would have described her as perfect.

Despite all of this I love her so much and although it would be a long and painful experience, I would want to try and move forwards (with counselling etc). At the moment, this is too painful to put into words. I don't think I'll ever forget the image of opening the car door and finding what I saw.

In terms of my circumstances, my nearest family member is 200 miles away, so childcare help is difficult. I wouldnt want to move as I don't want to disrupt my daughter - she is really happy in school etc.

If my wife is really serious about giving it a go (and also ceases ALL contact with the othr guy) I think I would want to try again with her - although I know it is all very soon and raw at the moment.

Thanks again everyone, you seriously don't know how helpful this is (I don't want to talk to anyone yet - most of our friends are mutual friends and I know it would devastate relatives if they knew).

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