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Am I being overprotective? WWYD?

(5 Posts)
dysfunctionalme Fri 26-Oct-12 06:30:43

Ex has children overnight on a Wednesday. Phoned Thursday morning to say they'd been in a car accident, were upset but unhurt and he'd dropped them to school. DS is only in 2nd week at school (not UK).
I felt like driving to school to pick them up but tried to be sensible and take his word that they were ok and to continue on way to work. Though in saying that, bear in mind he has tendancy to be v dismissive play things down
Ex texted later to say he had whiplash. I felt concerned for children and booked youngest into osteo as they had a cancellation appt available next morning. I thought I would see how older one was before booking her, partly because I am skint and partly because the younger one is super sensitive.

Left work at lunchtime, collected children who were obviously upset by accident but seemed physically fine, went for an ice cream and had a quiet afternoon.
Told ex had booked osteo and that youngest seemed quite off. Had an amicable chat and agreed I would care take another half day to care for him and that ex would take afternoon off to care for him then pick older one up from school.
All okay until midday when ex phones to say he doesn't want to leave work early after all and besides he didn't have a car, it was at the fixer's.
I was angry, said so, he said I was shouting so would hang up and he did.
I then shouted at DS, burst into tears and made everything 100x worse.

Took DS, who was pale and seemingly v tired, to school when he was fully expecting to go to Dad's. DS upset and I feel terrible, worried about work and worried about DS, v angry with ex.
Arrive at work and receive txt from ex saying he is home and can I drop off DS. I txt back to say he is at school.
Ex texts furious response saying I have wasted his time.
I won't go on but in brief there was a series of texts between us, all angry. I explained I felt he had changed plans, that I had taken 2 half days and was trying to act in children's interests and that really he was being rude and unreasonable. His lines were that he has a job, has a lot of pressure, and child is fine for school.

OK I do have a tendancy to be overprotective of my children. I always feel as though I'm trying to be a good mum as well as make up for their dad being a disappointment. So I know it is possible for me to be wrong, that maybe I was overdoing it to plan a day off for the youngest.

But he is only 5, new at school and has been in a car accident. Plus a giant weta nipped his foot this morning sad

Not sure where to go from here. Felt anger like I have not felt in years. Have been separated pretty much since DS was born and our relationship has been increasingly amicable, we talk and text info about children and it's become quite smooth sailing.

But now I hate him all over again and feel utter fury at his cavalier attitude to the children's wellbeing. To put this in context, I arrived to pick up children one day and DS, then 3, was sitting on sofa looking pale and clutching his arm. Ex says "Yeah, he fell over, seems okay though." I took him to hospital and his elbow was dislocated.

Not even sure where I'm going with this... just very upset and wish to god the kids had a Dad who looked after them properly

Mobly Fri 26-Oct-12 07:43:45

No you're not being overprotective. Sounds like you've all had a rough few days.

Your ex is being a nob but I don't think there's much you can do about that unfortunately.

Have you got your children this wknd? I'd just start afresh tomorrow, plan something chilled & nice & try and forget about it all. I presume you've told ex what you think already. Hopefully he's taken some of it on board despite his arguing with you.

You sound like a lovely, caring mum, your children are lucky to have you.

raskolnikov Fri 26-Oct-12 08:02:35

Hi dysme

No, you're not being overprotective at all - that sounds just like something my XH would do - always playing down illness/injury to the kids/me but when something happens to him, its the end of the world!

Your kids are v young and need you to be protective of them - he was evidently putting himself and his job first - he needs to think carefully about the consequences of that, we can all say we have an importsnt job to do - this is a small child we're talking about.

Emotions are obviously running v high, but you need to try and smooth things over again with him for the kids benefit and so that you can agree next steps/weekend plans and I would suggest telling him that since a small child can't articulate how an injury feels, any possible trauma/injury should be looked at by a professional in future, just to be on the safe side - that's what they're there for.

Good luck.

Flojo1979 Fri 26-Oct-12 08:11:34

To be honest I can see both sides.
U are obviously upset, but your reaction is somewhat over protective especially as u don't seem bothered about other DC, what's that all about?
DS being sensitive and u worrying they are physically hurt are 2 very different things.
Your ex has a job and doesn't want to risk losing it, he's right, the teachers will keep an eye on him and phone u if he's upset. If u don't believe that, then its the teacher u should be venting at not your ex.
Tbh I would worry more about the other DC and not waste your breath on ex.

dysfunctionalme Sun 28-Oct-12 01:10:52

Thanks Mobly - yes I have the kids this weekend and we've had a lovely time actually and everything normalising again.

Thanks rasko for understanding. I am realising how entitled ex is and how I have been enabling that so will be reviewing how things work, little bit at a time.

Flo not sure why you would assume I am not bothered about my daughter? I explained that I would wait to see how she is, she is older and v articulate. The younger one needs help with this.

You are right that he is worried about losing his job through taking time off, unfounded, his work provides leave when required, the problem is with his attitude which is that he comes first and I should be there to pick up pieces of his mess.

As to venting at the teacher, what a bizarre suggestion. V strange advice lol

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