I dont know my husband

[sexlessbint]

I am eight years into this relationship and we have been married 5 years. When we met we were both divorced but there was still a lot of bitterness from my husbands ex wife and that seemed to take up so much of our time at the beginning so life just kind of passed us by while we were untangling an access mess,(just some back story) His ex wife maintains that he had affairs etc throughout relationship and he has told me that he went to a strip club, had a private (and very intimate) dance and that he took her out after so i know he is not completely innocent although i didnt know this at the time.

Recently i have had reason to doubt my husband (inappropriate friendship with colleague), My senses feel heightened now. When i first found out about his colleague he said that nothing had happened, she was mad etc and that he had never cheated on me but that he was sorry for bringing this to my door. When i was still stinging from this a few months later and was feeling insecure he started to get angry and tell me to get over it etc as nothing had happened and i was making him miserable.

He has now been going away with work much more often and staying away for longer periods of time. (possibly because of my insecurities driving him mad)

He got a friend request from colleague which he showed me and then told me he had just refused it and had blocked her. I asked him to show me and he hadnt blocked her. I didnt say anything as i thought it was probably an oversight. However there were other blocked women on there and when i asked why they were blocked he just said 'no reason'!!

He has been away for a week now and i have been thinking about our relationship and realised that i actually know nothing about him prior to our relationship. For example, he said a few days ago about being 18 and living in a different part of the country so i asked how that had come about and he wouldnt tell me. So i left it. This happens about a lot of things. If i ask something and he doesnt want to answer, he just doesnt answer and changes the subject. I feel like im going mad and i know that none of this makes sense. I spent the first few days missing him but am now dreading his return tomorrow.

Am i mad?

I am prepared to be told i am a lunatic and that i am making something out of nothing. I just really dont know anymore.

[Dryjuice25]

To begin with I wouldn't trust him either. He sounds untrustworthy and secretive.

Why do you think you need to know details about his past especially when he was a teenager if he is unwilling to divulge? I'd be cheesed off if someone insisted I told them.

What do you get out of this relationship? I think the exw was right, he sounds horrible and has no respect for women in general but you knew this op, didn't you?

[Thelifeofpie]

The op doesn't say that she insisted that he tell her. She says she left it. I think its weird of him to bring something up but refuse to talk about it.
Totally agree that he has no respect for women though.

[Funnylittleturkishdelight]

You don't sound crazy. Would you consider contacting his ex?

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

You are not mad. You know he has lied to you (eg. about blocking colleague), and he is not behaving at all respectfully to you (eg. refusing to answer your questions and changing the subject).

His behaviour is highly suspicious and it all does seem to add up to likely infidelity.

[msrisotto]

Why do you think you need to know details about his past especially when he was a teenager if he is unwilling to divulge? I'd be cheesed off if someone insisted I told them.

Are you mad? They're married! I know all about basic info such as where my husband lived as a kid and how that came about, it's basic!

[fiventhree]

I agree Mrsrisotto.

Why would he keep details of his past secret from his wife? The fact he thinks it is OK to do so is telling, in itself. I think its different, a bit, from those people whose part is too painful to talk about in detail; my own h has done a bit of that.

This man sounds quite dodgy. Isnt it worrying though, that although we can all agree with you, he already has you in a relationship where you doubt yourself?

I suspect he is a philanderer, too.

[AlmostAHipster]

No, you don't know this man - he's living his life precisely how he wants to. You don't rate very highly in his world. You are not mad - he is behaving appallingly. I couldn't live like that.

It's not you, it's him!!

[HappyHalloweenMotherFucker]

What are you with this pillock for ?

He sounds like he enjoys having secrets and seeing you question yourself

I think he is dishonest, and making a good attempt at wrecking your self esteem

It's big red flag to call women "mad" either for thinking they might be in a relationship with him (the fb women) or for calling him on inappropriate behaviour

[Pompano]

You're not mad. He is so dodgy that he has the potential to drive you mad though, in fact he appears to be starting down that road already.
He had a 'bitter' divorce. He has a 'mad' colleague. Sounds to me like he's one of those men who treats women so badly that he leaves a trail of destruction around him and he claims that it's always the women who are 'psycho' or 'crazy'.
He's a liar. He's secretive. But his history with women is the biggest red flag of all for me. You know you can't trust him.
What do you want to do about this?

[janesnowdon1]

Of course you are not mad! You have an inner voice/instinct telling you that things are not right and that he is up to something - listen to it. there are hundreds of threads on MN where that initial inkling has turned out to be spot on.

You need to start educating yourself - look on MN at the resources on the Help for Those in Emotionally Abusive relationships thread. They will open your eyes. Invest in a Lundy bancroft book such as Should I stay or should I go or Why does he do that? and think about seeing a counsellor who specialises in relationships/esteem/assertiveness issues on your own. They should help you be more assertive in your conversations with your H and stop him diverting the conversation.

Go back tot he start of your realtionships and write down all the dodgy incidents, times when he ahs created chaos, diverted you etc and see the pattern of abuse developing. You no longer trust this man and he is not your friend. I am going through this painful process atm with a secretive, emotionally abusive man and wish you luck and send you hugs

[Blipbipdripdripdrip]

I agree that he sounds secretive and it is difficult to trust someone who is not open with you especially if you are married to them.

You have had a week to become paranoid about this in his absence and I know that this can do any ones head in especially if you feel there was cause for concern in the past. Try to take a step back and think it through rationally.

Do you know his parents and friends that he had before you met? Does he really have no keepsakes and photos from his life before you and his past marriage? If it was me I wouldn't want to know much about his last wife and marriage but before that? I get the impression that he has kids from his last marriage does he see them?

I think you can tell a lot about a man by his relationships with women - I mean friendships and workmates - it okay for a man to like women its quite another thing for him to leave a trail of destruction with labels such as "mad" and "deranged". and he should not feel that he has to keep friendships secret.