New relationship/stopping using condoms/gum clinic

[JustMeAndTwo]

Ok so you all do this right? When you have a new partner and decide to stop using condoms (and have other contraception in place, pill/coil etc) you both go to the sexual health clinic to get tested right?

Don't know why I'm asking really because this is what I'm doing and in fact went to the clinic today. My new partner is going to the clinic near when he has a day offwork next week.

I have been to the clinic before but I've never really been this sensible about the going to the clinic first before stopping using condoms. When I was younger I think my biggest concern was not getting pregnant! Now I have two children I guess my health is very important to me too.

I told my sister and she thinks it's overkill as we know that some stis may not even be present at the time of testing (but can be present later). I don't think it is.

I think also it's if I'm setting boundaries for the new partner to see how much respect he has for me/how sensible he actually is; does that make sense?

I'm rambling on here and like I said we're both going to the clinic so it's a bit academic but would love to hear your thoughts/experiences

[olgaga]

Well it's not academic actually. It's practical.

Why stop using condoms when you have no other form of contraception?

Do you want to get pregnant with this new partner?

You're "setting boundaries" for your new partner by putting your health at risk, and risking getting pregnant? How does that work exactly?

Maybe I've misunderstood you, but I find your post puzzling.

[PoppyScarer]

Yes, DH and I went to the clinic about 3 months into our relationship, once we knew we were serious.

I spent some time in France for university and over there in the '90s they drilled it into young people that it was what you should do, that it was the normal thing to do. I even had a boyfriend over there show me his clean results! (How romantic!)

[schmee]

I think you've completely misread the post olgaga. The OP is saying that she is moving to an alternative form of contraception, so stopping using condoms. She and her partner are both getting tested first.

This is really sensible and something everyone should do. I remember a friend of my DH being asked to get tested in the same scenario by his girlfriend of a few months. In that case, he thought it meant she had been cheating on him or similar. He went down in my estimation a lot.

[JustMeAndTwo]

Yes olgaga I think you have misunderstood my post. If you look at the first paragraph you will see I say

When you have a new partner and decide to stop using condoms (and have other contraception in place, pill/coil etc)

I have just two weeks ago started taking the pill.

It's academic in the sense that whatever people say on this thread makes no difference; I have already visited the clinic and my partner will be next week. I am looking for people's thoughts and experiences of having done this

[JustMeAndTwo]

Thank you poppy scarer that's what I wanted to hear :)

Like I said I'm going anyway but don't think any friends have done (unsure and haven't really asked, besides it doesn't matter what they do as this is what I'm doing!)

We are nearly at the three month mark too

[JustMeAndTwo]

And yes how romantic poppy scarer sharing the results although these days they send you the results by text; how modern!

[JustMeAndTwo]

Thank you for clarifying my post schmee :)

And that's exactly what I meant about boundaries; if new partner had have moaned about it in any way I think I would have waited a little while longer and given some more thought to the relationship. As it turns out he is going with no questions asked which I really respect him for

[ErikNorseman]

Your sister is insane. Utterly bonkers. I'm seriously struggling to understand how anyone could think that asking a new partner to be tested prior to unprotected sex is overkill. Bizarre.

[ErikNorseman]

And yes, it's a normal thing to do. I have done it, and most people I know have.

[JustMeAndTwo]

Thanks erik that's good to hear. I'm feeling less alone here!

Yes unfortunately my sister is a it younger than me (although that in no way excuses her thinking) although I will say I was quite possibly the same at her age; my main concern was not getting pregnant. Happy to say though the clinic today was very busy with all ages/sexes and nobody appeared embarrassed.

I did take myself off to the clinic every now and then to be tested when i was younger but it's not really clever thinking is it, testing after the event

[FraterculaArctica]

I understand what you're asking. Yes I did this with my current DP - it absolutely makes sense. HTH :)

[JustMeAndTwo]

Thank you fratercula :)

[fantagrape]

Yes, I did this - two or three months in, both went and got checks at the clinic.

We are now married.

[RillaBlythe]

Yes. This is normal - at least it's what I do! (did)

I worked in a hospital once, on my way back from my lunch break I walked past the GUM clinic & saw my friend & her new boyfriend awaiting their dropping-condom testing. It's definitely not just you.

[PinkSoccerMum]

It is the sensible thing to do and everybody should do it yes.

[ImpatientOne]

Yes like most have said we both went to have full screening at GUM clinic prior to ditching the condoms. I can't remember exactly when but around 3 months, we were engaged after 6 so it must've been pretty soon

The clinic staff were lovely but seemed a bit surprised that I wasn't there with a specific issue... My nearest clinic is however in a town recently featured on Channel 4's 999 which could explain it

[WizardofOs]

Very sensible. A colleague of mum (much younger) didn't do this and a few years later, after she had married the man in question, she discovered he had HIV. There was no clue until he became very ill. She was also HIV+ sadly.

I was really very shocked. Somehow I did not think it really happened like that in real life (dumb ass). If I had not already been with future DH at this point I would have always insisted on health checks before ditching condoms.

[olgaga]

Ah...yes I do apologise, I did misread.

I can't imagine why your sister would have that opinion, let alone express it. The steps you are taking are very sensible indeed, and quite normal especially nowadays when these services are available and there is a damn sight more to worry about than the old "dose".

Just to lighten the mood, I recall being in a chemist in Bethnal Green, it was the late 1970s - overhearing a hilarious conversation between a customer and the lovely old dear behind the counter.

LOD: Ooh - cramp? This is what you need duck. Rub it in a couple of times a day. (Plonks large brown bottle on the counter) It's a bit smelly but it really does the trick.
Customer: But this is liniment!
LOD: Yes, cramp you said? Just rub it in...
Customer: No! I said crabs! C R A B S! In my P U B E S!
LOD: (Cringes) Ooh, I'll get the chemist!

[savemefromrickets]

I asked DP to go when we met, he didn't (he attempted at the doctors but they couldn't do it there) and for the last three years he's been promising to go. I've read him this thread and he's promised to go again. I think he thinks I am joking about how it makes me feel - if I can get a coil so we can have safe sex he can have a swab!!

Guess our next date should be the clinic!!

[savemefromrickets]

Safe as in no babies!

[JustMeAndTwo]

Thank you so much for all your comments it's made me so much more confident about my thinking

Sorry but I did have a chuckle at your nn impatientone, engaged after six months! But it was the same for me at the clinic, the nurse seemed a little surprised that I was visiting as a precaution not for a problem

That's an awful story wizardofos, gives much food for thought I think..

Glad I'm making sense now olgaga I must say your first post shook me up a bit, thought I was doing something wrong!

And I really hope you and your dp will make that visit now savemefromrickets!

[Heleninahandcart]

Totally the right thing to do. I did this with last long term relationship, condoms then both got tested as soon as we knew it was a goer. The GUM clinic should not be surprised about this at all, it's sensible and shows you both take your own health and that of your partner seriously.

[savemefromrickets]

We'll get there, I hope. He does finally seem to realise that it's a big deal for me.

I did laugh at him going to sleep muttering about hating mumsnet

[JustMeAndTwo]

Yes you're right Helen-I mean that's what the clinic is for isn't it?

And rickets am I right in thinking you are still using condoms then? (Don't answer if that's too personal!) because if so then surely if your DP wants to stop using them he will get tested!

[savemefromrickets]

Ha. Damn, we stopped using them when I got the coil. There are only so many condom accidents and morning after pills you can take in your 30s before you take alternative action!

And yes, I know it's stupid that I still want him to get tested, but it's now the principle of the thing