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Why does nobody EVER want to marry me??? what is it??? will I EVER get married?

(40 Posts)
HiyaJemma Thu 25-Oct-12 15:21:56

I'm approaching 32.

My first serious boyfriend and I got together when I was 16, we were together for 7 years, had two children, got "engaged" with a £16 ring from argos and then split up. He's now happily married.

My second serious boyfriend and I lasted 2 years, there was talk of moving in together until he realised that would involve split responsibilty of adult things and he suddenly went off the idea. He got with someone else the same year and asked her to marry him.

My 3rd serious boyfriend had been married and although we were together for 3 years, the only time he mentioned marriage was when he said "christ, I'd never do THAT again!"

Current boyfriend - love him to pieces, he says the same about me. Been together almost 2 years, lived together for 1 year of that - never any talk of engagement or marriage. I took the plunge last week and asked how he felt about marriage - his reaction was "oh ... don't know if I can do all that again, the last one nearly destroyed me". Things have been rather strained between us since sad

WTF is it?? I WANT marriage yet deep down, I just know it will never happen for me. Why? it seems to happen for everyone else sad

HotDAMNlifeisgood Thu 25-Oct-12 15:26:12

Why is marriage so important to you?

If it really is, then although it is controversial I would recommend you follow "The Rules", read "Why Men Love Bitches", or "He's Just Not That Into You".

They are all a bit game-playing, but are really all about valuing YOURSELF more than the mere fact of being in a relationship, any relationship. Perhaps you need a dose of that?

amillionyears Thu 25-Oct-12 15:34:26

If I were you,I would bring up the subject much much sooner.
Even before the living together bit.

madonnawhore Thu 25-Oct-12 15:34:55

Interesting that although your last three relationships didn't work, you were willing to marry all of your exes. If you had, you'd be divorced by now.

What is it that you think marriage would bring to your relationship? You do seem more concerned with being married to anyone rather than whether your partner is someone you want to marry.

Also, two of your partners have been married before and it was enough to put them off! Maybe listen to the voices of experience?!

I think the starting point is figuring out why you want to be married so much.

HiyaJemma Thu 25-Oct-12 15:36:43

I want to know that someone loves me enough to make that commitment. Low self esteem probably.

GhostShip Thu 25-Oct-12 15:40:30

That doesn't prove commitment. Staying with you, loving you and trusting you. Thats commitment.

madonnawhore Thu 25-Oct-12 15:43:59

But what about how you feel about them?

It's all very well wanting to get married and know that someone is committed to you, but you have to feel the same way about them in return. It sounds like you're only thinking about it for what it will give you. Not what you will bring to a marriage.

Also, please do not make the mistake of thinking marriage is the happy ending at the finish line of single life. I've seen many friends fall into that trap.

Marriage is the beginning of a shared life where you have to shape and adapt your ambitions and goals to work with theirs; where you have to make every decision with their interest in mind too; where you have to trust them medically and financially...

It's a big deal.

amillionyears Thu 25-Oct-12 15:45:23

boyfriend 1 -sounds like he wasnt quite right for you as he did indeed marry someone else. That happens.
boyfriend 2 - sounds like he doesnt want to be a grown up,again that happens
boyfriend 3 - I have to say with that one,that I would have discussed those sorts of matters much sooner
boyfriend 4 - again,much much sooner would have been better.
Sorry that this sounds a bit harsh and blunt
Because you have had 4 serious relationships,I cant see why you wont have others. But more serious talking is called for I think.

captainmummy Thu 25-Oct-12 15:47:49

You shoudln't get married because you want to be married. You should get married if you want to stay with someone for ever.

Did you want to stay with BFs #1,2 and 3? For ever?

Personally I don't want to get married at all. Whats the point, esp if you are already living together?

madonnawhore Thu 25-Oct-12 15:48:24

I've known a lot of friends get married to partners who weren't really right for them. Then once the wedding's done and dusted they think 'ok well that's that box ticked' and then sit back and expect everything to just work out and be fine. And they're so shocked when it's not all ok and they realise they have to keep putting in the effort and keep working at it.

That's when the cracks really start to show if you're not with the right person.

MyDonkeysAZombie Thu 25-Oct-12 15:50:28

Luck? Just meeting men who have either tried marriage before and it failed, or who for whatever reason don't think it's a big deal in the 21st century?

I don't think it's you.

Honestly I have known unmarried couples where there is more respect and commitment than any pair who opted for the whole big hullaballoo matrimonial extravaganza or small tasteful intimate wedding.

Coops79 Thu 25-Oct-12 15:56:57

I only wanted to get married when I found a man who I would be willing to always put first and (crucially) who would also want to put me first in return. I get the impression that you crave being asked to get married more than the state of marriage in itself which suggests that, as you said, you lack confidence in your relationships. If your current DP proposed would that satisfy you? What would it change in your relationship? You need to think about what marriage means to you and what it would mean to this relationship specifically. There are good marriages and bad ones. To get married doesn't in itself solve all of life's problems.

geegee888 Thu 25-Oct-12 16:00:58

I think its the men...

Cheer up though OP, I have some lovely female friends, who you would have thought men would be falling over themselves to date, who can't even get boyfriends, never mind husbands. Its wierd....

As far as I can tell though, and I did this myself to a certain extent, some women get married by stealthily pursuing a particular man and refusing to give in. I don't think it should be that way, in an ideal world the man should pursue the woman and everything should be perfect, but in reality so many men just don't seem that keen.

MrsArchieTheInventor Thu 25-Oct-12 16:16:15

In some ways marriage is like your first sexual experience in that is bigged up in your head from a young age and sometimes turns into something it's not. You expect harps to play and angels to sing and in reality it's not like that at all.

Marriage is not something to be entered into lightly and certainly not with someone you aren't pretty damn sure you want to spend the rest of your life with. Sometimes marriages don't work out for a multitude of reasons and it's sad when that happens, especially when there's children involved.

If it's a box to be ticked on a list of life's 'to do' list then go ahead if that's what you want. Sometimes a relationship is slow burning and just because he doesn't want to get married to you right now doesn't automatically mean that he never wants to marry you. Similarly, just because he doesn't rule out getting married again it might not automatically mean that you're the one he has in mind.

Just for the record, DH and I got married last year after 11 years and 2 children together. It's hard work but brilliant when you get the hang of it!

higgle Thu 25-Oct-12 16:21:58

I would suggest that it is not a good idea to start living with someone before you know what their attitude is towards marriage. I got married at age 27 after numerous relationships, but if it wasn't working with someone I'd move on after 6 months before it got too difficult. When I'd met DH we did not move in together until the wedding date was set. Still happily together 28 years later.

OneMoreGo Thu 25-Oct-12 16:25:53

If marriage was really so important to you, surely you'd be upfront about it from the start and wouldn't advance the relationship to the next level without that commitment?
I think you just want to be proposed to. Marriage is staying with the same person for the rest of your life - that's huge! It's not just about loving someone a lot. Personally I think you need to love and respect yourself as much as you are demanding the other person does in marrying you. Getting married won't make you happy without that self-respect in the mix as well.

I used to be pro-marriage. The older I get, the less sure I am I could ever find someone worthy of such a huge, all-encompassing commitment as that. I'm hopeful it is possible, but by no means certain that I will find someone I feel that way about. The only person I would have married was a complete lying cock who hadn't disentangled himself from his last relationship. Still, nice to know I'm capable of feeling such love smile If I ever feel that again for someone, and they feel it back, then I'll start considering marriage.

zippey Thu 25-Oct-12 16:40:20

Im not sure if it is the men, have you thought the problem might be you? You seem quite clingy and almost desperate. Some people have said ask the question sooner. Its good to be direct but Im afraid it would send most men running, even those who may have the intensions of marrying at a future date.

If you really want to get married, there are some dating websites where both parties express this interest.

I agree that you may have self esteem issues, and the kind of man you want to marry isnt usually attracted to clingy, desperate women.

Overall though you sound like a nice woman who has this bee in her bonnet about marriage. Lose the bee and you might find you are happier in relationships without that weight of expectation on your shoulder.

NellyBluth Thu 25-Oct-12 16:47:35

Other posters are right in suggesting discussing the issue of marriage before moving in with someone, as part of a general discussion about where you want to go in life. If being married is a dealbreaker for you then it would be good to have talked about this before committing yourself.

You do sound as thought you need to understand yourself quite why marriage is so important. Is it that you a) want to be proposed to, b) want a wedding ceremony, or c) believe being married is the only way to commit to spending your life together. They are three very different things. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to spend your life with someone as husband and wife, as opposed to unmarried partners, but that is a very different thing from the proposal or wedding. If it is the proposal or wedding that you want more than the marriage, then that can surely be worked around.

FWIW, while I hated the idea of a 'wedding', I would have married DP if he had wanted to. But he didn't want to get married, and we talked it through, and once I understood that his reasons were not through fear of commitment then I was fine with it and agreed to not get married. I know that he loves me and wants to be with me. He also wanted children, which was my dealbreaker. I did make him buy me an eternity ring that I wear on my ring finger as a symbol of commitment and also 'cos I didn't want to miss out of nice sparkly things.

Welovecouscous Thu 25-Oct-12 16:51:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Welovecouscous Thu 25-Oct-12 16:52:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsArchieTheInventor Thu 25-Oct-12 16:55:13

Unmarked works too Couscous! Marriage certainly does leave its mark! smile wink

mommybunny Thu 25-Oct-12 17:09:37

OP you hit the nail on the head with low self-esteem - you make the men in your life feel you aren't WORTH marrying, so they don't bother. I'm sure you really are (worth marrying, that is) but you have to convince a man of that. One way is not even to talk about moving in together (or having children) untill you're sure their view of marriage generally is in alignment with yours. You've found out the hard way, after a lot of time invested, that your prior BFs' views aren't in line with yours. There is no point moving in with someone if he has a "no, never!" view of marriage, and it's something you want (and for the record, I think it's a Very Good Thing to want). If you jump to move in with someone, thinking you'll later persuade him to marry you when he's already said he doesn't want it, you'd have to be very lucky indeed to actually get him the altar. Why rely on luck? If you refuse to move in with someone until you know how they feel about marriage generally (and particularly about marriage with you), that tells them that you are patient and have the confidence and self-respect to wait for something that is right, not just desperate for some temporary security.

FML Thu 25-Oct-12 18:23:18

Not every relationship is like a whirlwind romance and being engaged within a year or two. Personally, for us, we had both witnessed messy divorces and most certainly didn't see any rush to get married ourselves when it could quite possibly end up messy for us too. The fact your partner has had his very own experience of a messy divorce, could make him very wary of rushing into marriage again.

8 years after getting through the highs and lows and coming out even stronger, something seemed to click. We was more in love than ever and just knew the next stage then was marriage so when he proposed, I said yes. Maybe another few years down the line, your partner will absolutely know for sure (as wanting to be with someone forever one year, could change to not wanting to be together for even a day a couple of months/years later) and he will surprise you with a proposal.

iamwhaticallpregnant Thu 25-Oct-12 18:41:32

I used to think that marriage was the sole goal. Every relationship was heading towards the marriage line - if they didn't deliver then I got rid. Finally got with someone who I more or less manipulated into proposing - you have not been successful at doing this because the men you were with were probably much more self assured and intelligent than mine - I thought just because I was asked then I had succeeded. I raced down the aisle! And I was off within 8 months. THE REALISATION was that marriage means diddly squat - it really really isnt the be all and end all! Don't worry about your age. I would never get married again (although the dress is tempting) and the man I am with now is desperate to marry me - coincidence? I think not! Men always want what they can't have.

Also - don't become fixated on what these exes did after you - statistically if they are near your age they are going to 'end up' with someone - why not the next person after you? Absolutely nothing to do with u.

Please don't worry. Trust me - marriage was awful - I am much happier now. The day you stop wanting it will be the day it'll prob be offered - much like me with pregnancy!

akaemmafrost Thu 25-Oct-12 18:45:12

I've been married twice.

It's overrated.

HTH wink.

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