DD and DP...problem

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Hi

I have posted before about my tricky relationship with DP, but this morning things took a turn for the worse in his relationship with both DD and I.

DD was supposed to go out with him today (school hols) while I went to work but didn't want to and was really crying and sobbing. It was my idea that she went with him and I tried to encourage her. He was getting annoyed by her crying and saying he had to go and would be late and it was all my fault and I had to hurry her up and she just wanted to stay and play with her friends but she told me it was because she doesn't like going out with him. I told him that he should ask himself why she had said that (it's because he is very bossy to her and tells her off in general for crying ) but he said it was my fault for trying to drive them apart . I said why don't you go and talk to her kindly and encourage her to go with you and he tried but it didn't work so he just stormed out and he's not answering texts, I haven't tried to actually phone him.

what on earth can I do? He is very sensitive about his relationship with her as she is never usually keen to go out with him without me, what else can I say except that he should ask himself why that is?

thanks in advance for your wise words of advice ...

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bump anyone, can he seriously expect me to make DD love him?

[TiAAAAARGHo]

no he can't and hes behaving like a child. I'm not surprised she doesnt want to go with him

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there is no way this can work is there?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Is DP DD's father?

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yes he is, I realised I should have added that...sad that you have to ask isn't it?

[ShhhhhGoBackToSleep]

Is DP DD's father? It sounds like he just isn't putting any effort into their relationship at all.

DH sometimes struggles with doing the bright positive engaging parenting malarkey as it just doesn't come naturally to him. I think he thought I just had a magic wand wheras actually I just worked a lot harder and so avoided the tantrums etc when he would have sat back, not bothered and then had loads of tantrums and crying.

I had a chat with him about it in a really unconfrontational way and gave him a few tips. I think he was a bit skeptical to start with but saw how much easier it was and now tries a lot harder.

If DP is DDs dad, you need to sit him down and tell him it just isn't good enough. If he isnt and he can't be bothered now hat is it going to be like when she gets older and is harder work?

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I can't tell him, he just turns it back on me and says it's all my fault that I'm turning her against him...I have told him many, many times that he is too harsh with her and he has to be more gentle or he will scare her away but he just doesn't listen and incidentally treats me the same way

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it's not even a question of asking him to put effort into the relationship, just to treat her with respect

[zippey]

Of course you can make this work. I am not sure what the best advice here would be though. Its a shame he stormed off, behaving almost child like, but he is probably feeling insecure and inadequate as a father because his child doesnt want to be around him.

He probably needs to be different around your child. What is a typical day of father daughter time like? How old is daughter?

There are also some decent books on the market you/hubby could read.

[PrincessSymbian]

So it's my way or the high way as far as he is concerned? Unless he takes a step back and re-evaluates his behaviour.

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he says we need to go to counselling because of MY behaviour, but I am stuck in the middle here and being insulted by him and wanting to protect DD from his completely inappropriate behaviour. DD is 7

[ivykaty44]

he needs to be told straight that blaming you for the situation isn't going to in any way change the situation.

he needs to sort this out as he is the adult and the first thing adult that he needs to do is stop blaming those around him and take charge of his own behaviour and put a stop to his stomping and tantruming.

He has to surely know that she is a person in her own right and has her own away and ideas - he needs to accept his daughter for who she is and not try to keeping wishing she was someone else

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I don't think we need to go to counselling, ffs who needs to be told that you can't tell a young girl off for crying? Amongst other things. These are things that anybody can understand. I am not willing to pay for counselling just so that he can be told how to behave

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Ivy I couldn't agree more with what you are saying but he just seems incapable of doing this and when I say it to him he says I am spoiling her and protecting her

[ShhhhhGoBackToSleep]

Sorry, x post. In that case have the conversation. Try to come up with examples of situations and what you would have done instead. (DH found that really helpful as he was doing the best he knew how to; he dearly loves our children and simply didn't know how to do it differently)

So for example, DH would start playing with DS then drift off to potter with something else and DS would start tantruming and following him about whining and crying. So I suggested he could do what I do which would be to tell DS I am going to do x which will take 5 min and DS could choose to with me or he could play and I would come back. Cue no whining, happy DH and happy DS.

The more effort he put in the better their relationship and the more time they spent together. Point this out to your DP too.

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he is good at playing with her when he is in the mood for it but he just can't handle people being upset, not me and not DD...his response is just to get really impatient and lash out (verbally and sometimes he throws things)

[ivykaty44]

So was he never taught how to deal with people being upset? Was he not allowed to be upset himself? Was his parent the same or is the same?

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better not to ask about his parents...VERY abusive scenario

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he is not British, he really struggles with our ideas of personal freedom and self-expression

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particularly from me

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I think his problems are so deep-seated that he needs real help; I feel completely out of my depth

[ivykaty44]

does he completly lack empathy?

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yes, he completely does

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although he thinks he doesn't...he just projects and assumes that people are thinking and feeling what he thinks they are thinking and feeling and won't hear otherwise...

[AbigailAdams]

OK this is not a nice man. No wonder your daughter doesn't want to go out with him. Why are you forcing her to? That is not respecting her and her well-founded misgivings and teaching her that her feelings don't matter (just like her father is teaching her).

Your partner is making no effort with her. You have clearly tried talking to him and he isn't respecting you either. There is a theme running here. How long will you and your daughter have to put up with this disrespect?