Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.


(42 Posts)
hubblebubble00 Thu 25-Oct-12 13:28:55

I'm new here and have been an avid reader for a long time.

I'm after some knowledge/advice if anyone can help.
I've been with my partner for a few months, from our first time of having sex he struggled in 'keeping things up' iykwim !
This has been an issue for us on and off for a while, then the other day we were talking about dominant/submissive etc and he said he wants me to be more submissive as he gets more turned on if he's completely in control.

He said he finds any control from a women a turn - off !!

I wouldn't describe myself as dominant at all, but if I don't feel like having sex I will say.

In other parts of our relationship he has a bit of an issue with being asked/told to do something, he says its being 'hen pecked' and nagged.

So what I'm wondering is do any of you submit to your husbands/partners?

And what does it exactly mean?

Thanks in advance smile

HotDAMNlifeisgood Thu 25-Oct-12 13:31:28


missymoomoomee Thu 25-Oct-12 13:33:28

Get the hell out of there it will only get worse. confused

BellaTata Thu 25-Oct-12 13:34:10

In other parts of our relationship he has a bit of an issue with being asked/told to do something, he says its being 'hen pecked' and nagged. *

That doesn't sound good.

SmellsLikeTeenStrop Thu 25-Oct-12 13:34:30

it means he doesn't respect women and fancies himself as a little tin god lord of creation.


Snazzyspookyandscary Thu 25-Oct-12 13:38:52

Do you actually want to be submissive? This is something you should only do if you yourself actively want it and like it. Not to shore up a dubious relationship. Big red flag here.

Tell him you are not comfortable with being submissive and you want him to like you as you are if it's going to work. It may well then go pear-shaped but if so, then you've had a lucky esscape.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 25-Oct-12 13:41:26

It means he's very, very insecure at best.... controlling at worst. 'Submissive' means 'you do everything I say, even if you don't really want to'. People in sub/dom relationships will often take it further with the 'sub' agreeing to what other people would regard as degrading treatment.

Good job it's only been a few months. See that kerb? Kick him firmly towards is.

Lovingfreedom Thu 25-Oct-12 13:42:46

Hmm...this sounds a bit worrying to me, especially it's only a few months since you started seeing each other.

What kinds of things do you mean when he's saying he's being hen pecked or nagged?

Re the sex, it's concerning as he's not so much asking you to try something different, for both of you, but asking you to be a different way generally for his benefit alone. Are you also suggesting that your partner wants to restrict your right to say 'no' when you don't want sex? That's simply not on, if so.

What do you actually like about this guy...your post is quite short, but from what you've written I'm not seeing anything desirable, or attractive...but some red flags. After just a few months, relationships are usually fun and with both parties on best behaviour, still trying to impress the other. What you describe doesn't sound fun for you at all.

tbh...the sex is crap, he's complaining about you nagging him and he wants total control over you...? I'd ditch him ASAP.

SugariceAndScary Thu 25-Oct-12 13:49:01

He sounds awful and it's only been a few months.

I'd call time on this, he sounds an arse.

scentednappyhag Thu 25-Oct-12 13:55:05

D/s relationships have to be desired on both sides, and being a Dom isn't as easy as simply wanting a woman who does as she's told.
He doesn't sound like a Dom, he sounds like a control freak, and I wouldn't feel comfortable giving him my submission as I think he sounds like he'd abuse the privilege.
A real Dom only had power because the sub has chosen to give it, and both parties should be aware of that.

HairyGrotter Thu 25-Oct-12 14:00:40

I'm dominant in the bedroom in my relationship, my DP loves being dominated, we have boundaries etc and it's all nice and healthy in every respect of the relationship...however, your situation, I'd run for the hills!

Guiltypleasures001 Thu 25-Oct-12 14:09:30

God forbid you give this so called man any power over you, especially in scenarios where you might be restrained and left helpless with just him around.

The fact you are on here hun and asking about this seems to me like your gut instincts are kicking in and you are asking for reassurance or advice, my advise and this comes from a former Dominant who has been around the scene for years, is smile sweetly and back away quietly like he is a growling dog.

I would not want you to spend any further time with him having these type of discussions, the impotence is a huge warning that things would have to get pretty extreme for him to get any kind of satisfaction or release, this is not good for you though, possibly even dangerous.

As I have read before on this forum, this man is telling you who he is, run like the wind and dont look back.


ImperialBlether Thu 25-Oct-12 14:19:05

So basically he struggles to maintain an erection unless he is totally in control of you. He doesn't like being asked to do anything.

What in the WORLD is attractive about this man? I'm blinded by the flags!

hubblebubble00 Thu 25-Oct-12 15:01:14

thanks for all your replies, they all make a lot of sense.

I was thinking I was doing things wrong and its such a horrible feeling if you think you can turn someone off .

By him being dominant though it seems to be that he just gets himself off , he will do things for me at a different time, but sexwise he seems to be a roll on roll off kind of man . And I think he believes that makes him dominant, and if he looses his erection he will stop get frustrated. But I then think its because Ive done something to make me seem dominant !

Very confusing

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 25-Oct-12 15:04:49

Stop wasting your time on this self-absorbed idiot. He sounds like a seriously crappy lover apart from anything else and that won't be because of anything you've done..... it's be because he's far too selfish to take the time to be a good one. Anyone who uses a phrase like 'hen-pecked' if he's asked to do something is a knob.... and a very small floppy knob at that.

DamnDeDoubtance Thu 25-Oct-12 15:05:42

Its not confusing really, he sounds like a knob who does not believe in an equal partnership.

You have to ask your self what you believe.

TunipTheVegemal Thu 25-Oct-12 15:08:13

Don't take this the wrong way, but might he be a porn addict? Sometimes men who have got desensitised through porn use find it hard to get turned on through normal sex. Porn these days very often involves the man being controlling and dominant so that might be where this is coming from.

I agree with all the advice that you should be extremely wary. Lots of red flags here, including the fact that you sound like you're starting to blame yourself.

hubblebubble00 Thu 25-Oct-12 15:17:07

Tunip you do have a point there I think, he did used to look at a fair bit of porn, before I came along and sometimes now.

But I was on the laptop the other week and joked and said I've finished looking at my things you want to look at some porn while I cook tea smile

He said "no I havn't looked at any for a while and anyway I think it densensitizes men"


garlicbaguette Thu 25-Oct-12 15:17:27

Hen pecked?? Nagging?! You do realise both those terms are markers for abuse, don't you ...

Coupled with roll-on, roll-off sex (and he'll 'do' you later if he feels like it?) I'd say you definitely deserve better than him. Don't mess about trying to change or appease him, just let him go and make space for a man who knows women are people.

ErikNorseman Thu 25-Oct-12 15:26:49

He sounds horrible, a real inadequate misogynist.

straighttohellymelly Thu 25-Oct-12 15:40:52

Agree he sounds not at all a good long term prospect as a partner. I would run a mile tbh, he sounds controlling, insecure and selfish. There are far kinder men out there.

TunipTheVegemal Thu 25-Oct-12 15:50:26

The trouble with porn is it doesn't just damage men's sexual response, it damages their view of women. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a man who has used porn to that extent.
I am sure you can do better than him.

Lovingfreedom Thu 25-Oct-12 15:53:32

Roll on, roll off kind of man??? Are you serious? In this day and age? Get yourself new batteries for your rabbit together and tell this loser to go fuck himself.

SmellsLikeTeenStrop Thu 25-Oct-12 15:57:31

he did used to look at a fair bit of porn

I actually was just about to ask if he watched porn. Tunip has already pointed out that in some men, porn can damage his ability to have a normal sexual relationship. It sounds like this might have happened with your guy.

susiedaisy Thu 25-Oct-12 16:00:20

I was going mention porn but others have already said, its him op not you, please don't waste several months or years of your life wondering if you're doing something wrong or that if only you tried harder he would be ok with things! He won't be, it will always be your fault in his eyes because you answered him back or done something wrong or moved during sex and put him off!! Dump him and move on.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now