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contact/solicitor/not sure of what will happen

(17 Posts)
CalpurniaRocks Thu 25-Oct-12 11:30:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 25-Oct-12 14:17:33

What to expect.... conscious that it's now Thursday and the meeting was Wednesday ... you should have been asked lots of questions and given the opportunity to explain everything above. You should have also been asked what you thought was a fair amount of contact and what would be best for your DS. Solicitors work for you. Within reason, they will try to achieve what you ask whilst using their experience and judgement to steer you in the right direction

Hope it went OK

CalpurniaRocks Thu 25-Oct-12 14:35:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 25-Oct-12 14:45:39

I think overnights sound unwise for a nursery-age child to spend with someone that you describe as a binge-drinking bully. It's not about a fair split of time - although that's never a bad starting point - it's about providing the best care and stability for a small child. When there's alcohol and agression in the mix, you could argue that means fewer visits and that they are not overnight.

CalpurniaRocks Thu 25-Oct-12 14:54:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 25-Oct-12 15:01:03

Do not subject your child to a drunk. You may want your ex to be a good dad and a role model but, in the meantime, work with the reality rather than your wish-list. As for 'daring' to offer less.... that's why you have a solicitor. They are your representative, they will give you the benefit of their advice and experience and, if you think that there will be any bad reaction if you suggest a safer level of contact, they are the ones that can set up various orders to make sure you are not threatened.

Bullies IME are also cowards. They pick on people who they think are weak or vulnerable because they cannot handle someone who is stronger or more powerful. They shout and stamp to make others scared but most of the time they will run away when challenged properly. When you have legal back-up you become less easy to intimidate. So make the most of that.

ringodingo Thu 25-Oct-12 15:10:05

Sounds like you have now finally reached the end of the road with his ways. But be prepared for a backlash of him thinking i,m not having her tell me what to do and he will become even more petulant aswell towards you. It,s a good thing to see a solicitor who will put meausures in place for you and ds and put an end to you pandering to his bullying ways.
sounds like he has got a hold over you and there is now longer any need for him to do this. You getting a solicitor will make him feel he is losing his grip and that you are taking control of the situation,which he will hate with a vengence. Stand strong and firm in what contact will be best for ds don,t waiver from it once in place as he will try every avenue to undermine the contact to being his way.
He is immature and maybe this will give him the kick into touch he needs.

CalpurniaRocks Thu 25-Oct-12 15:20:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ringodingo Thu 25-Oct-12 15:32:14

please don,t get upset he is trying to grind you down and you don,t deserve this. you are NOT whatever he says you are and why care about what he says about you? It takes a bloody strong person to come out of a relationship and be a parent with day to day care. It,s his guilt coming out in his nasty controlling bollocks and you are not to blame.
No way give you tickets up if he see,s you are vunerable still to his demands then he will walk all over you. Does he know you are going out on this night? Do whats best for you and ds. Let him rant and rave and tell him that you are sorry that he feels that way. The sooner you see the solicitor the better for your health and mind it will be.
You are only human and I,m sending hand holding to you

CalpurniaRocks Thu 25-Oct-12 15:47:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 25-Oct-12 15:50:29

He won't take your child off anyone if he's got any sense because you're seeing a solicitor, it would be noted that he had removed your DS from a babysitter without your permission and he wouldn't be allowed unsupervised contact at all after that kind of stunt.

The best way to stay strong is to drop contact beyond 'talk to my solicitor'...

ringodingo Thu 25-Oct-12 16:04:36

you are scared of him and he quietly knows this himself. of course its easy for him to give out threats of "just take him off them" so that he can still control you and your movements to suit him as he does,nt want you to go out but sit in and wait for him to come round and have his contact on his terms.
Just say to him "o.k" in answer to that threat, "We will sort contact out after I have taken legal advice. Its time to loose all dialog with him, no phone calls,no coming to your house and no emailing only communicate through the solicitor.
By the way, you are stronger than you think.

cestlavielife Thu 25-Oct-12 16:05:27

dont go to his house with ds or have him at yours - it wont work if he is a bully etc.

have him se ds at set times outside of your home. dont pretend to be happy families.

CalpurniaRocks Thu 25-Oct-12 16:15:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 25-Oct-12 16:21:33

Nothing says you have to trust your ex with your precious DS overnight. You've described an aggressive bully who drinks to excess and resorts to threats to get his own way. I wouldn't leave my cat in the care of someone like that, never mind a small child.

Talk this through with your solicitor and be very specific about his behaviour. You make it sound like your ex has only reappeared relatively recently... 'I've virtually been a single mum'.... is that the case?

CalpurniaRocks Thu 25-Oct-12 16:30:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 25-Oct-12 16:34:51

Then there is no history of him caring for DS, he has personality and behavioural problems that would make sole care of a small child inadvisable, he has exhibited threatening behaviour and he has been unreliable with the informal access arrangements ie. football matches take priority over seeing DS. Etc. Etc. Etc.

He should think himself lucky if he gets supervised access to DS every other week ....

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