How to live a fantastic life, by Mr Wobbly

[Abitwobblynow]

1. Live according to what you want, how you feel, and what you think. You don't have to show or feel any interest or concern in the people around you. 'How was your day, what do you think, what would you like?' are questions that are boring and therefore a waste of time, so don't think them.
   

1. React defensively to any complaints or criticisms you might hear. Get angry, punish with the silent treatment to show how upset they have made you feel. After a decent while, bring her a cup of tea. That will shut her up make her happy.
   

1. You can have sex whenever you want, but you don't have to have any when you don't feel like it. For the rest of the time: Ignore any acts of affection that are inconvenient. You only have to put a hand on her when you want sex, right? This is best done by pretending not to notice, and ignore that she has noticed this too. If I don't say anything, it will all go away. If you can claim not to understand non-verbal communication/anything that is isn't explicit, then you are off the hook. You put your hand on my arm? How am I supposed to know that means 'I would like some connection'!
   

1. Don't forget the complete outrage and insult of 2. In fact, compile a list of all her faults, and dwell on them. At no time consider that if you own and deal with 2. your life will get so much better.
   

1. This bitch's moaning is really turning into a drag. I am feeling unhappy and resentful. That means I don't love her any more.
   

1. Ooh - I got some eyes at the water cooler. Lets check this further. This flirting and admiration is making me feel gooooood. One up on that miserable bitch - she has no idea. Anyway, I am tired of being married.
   

1. This is so exciting, and feels so good. I have power over everyone! Nobody knows. I have never had such exciting sex. It makes me feel GREAT! It must be love. Why am I stuck with that fucking fat bitch? God, why did I ever marry her? What a mistake I made. I must tell her, but back off if she gets too upset. Nannies and housekeepers are expensive, and it might cost.
   

1. Of course I can fuck OW in my house and have her for the night. It's my house isn't it? Its my bed. Its the cheapest way anyway, I don't have to spend anything or leave a trail. Even though I am constantly moaning about how tired I am, I am still able to wash and dry the sheets before morning. Hide the used condoms in a coke can and put in the rubbish. God, I am smart!
   

1. She is so nice. She tells me how great I am, what a fantastic boss and how much she likes talking to me. I don't have to say anything, but it is nice having inane chatter about what she bought shopping. That other bitch is just so heavy. I hate her so much, I can barely look at her.
   

10. I know I told the wife that I was depressed and didn't love her any more, and working too hard, but actually now I AM feeling awful. I don't know what I want. That bitch asked if she vanished in a puff of dust so I didn't have to pay her anything, would that make me happy? I told her no, but it is still all her fault. Gosh, this OW is getting boring. She is starting to get jealous and pissed off when I don't see her when the family is around.

12. After 2 years of this, she has finally found out. She got proof and listened to me lying to her. Shit! Dump the OW, quick. Tell her I love her and want to fix everything and I will be a new person from now on.

13. How dare she be so upset. How long is this going to go on? God I hate that OW. I wish she would leave. She helped me ruin my life.

14. I don't think I have to give her that kind of detail. Why doesn't she just accept what I say, that it didn't mean anything?

15. What a bitch. She is treating me terribly. All that crying and screaming, why can't we just move on? I don't know why I did it! And I am not going to admit anything that will make this screaming worse, like how great the sex was and how much I miss her warmth (even though she was starting to demand attention, that was getting tiresome). Just go back to the silent treatment, that used to shut her up before.

16. I can't go on like this. I am telling her we are separating. That will shut her up. Not that I have any intention of moving out.

17. Why has she stopped trying to talk to me? That isn't fair, if she isn't there to push away, I can't focus on what a pain she is.

18. This so isn't fair. She doesn't like me. That's unforgivable. This quietness is just punishing me. I shouldn't be punished for something I can't change. What a bitch she is. She has turned into my mother. I hate her.

19. My life is miserable and empty. This is all her fault.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Wobbly, darling - what are you getting out of staying with the unspeakable shit?

[Anniegetyourgun]

For the avoidance of doubt, this is addressed to the OP, not to Mr Wobbly who is the unspeakable shit in question!

[HeftyHeifer]

Sorry to read this abit.
Probably no help to you right now but I'm afraid Mr Wobbly isn't the only 'Mr' on this planet who thinks that way..

[Abitwobblynow]

Don't worry Annie - it's all good! As I said to HBM:

After 3 years of processing the hurt and solo trying, I have successfully detached. I seriously doubt he will ever take on his immaturity and issues (and certainly he won't for me, or the children). I have at last believed him when he tells me who he is.

He is getting more and more miserable. But I have truly learned the three Cs of the twelve step programme: I didn't Create him, I cannot Control him and I cannot Cure him. I am so sorry he is so emotionally strange, but it isn't my problem to solve. I should have noticed the warning signals, but I ignored them, so here we are.

There is only one person I can work on, and that is myself. Because he is socially miserable, does not mean I have to be affected by it any more: I can enjoy their company and further the friendships without him. Because he blames me, does not mean I have to accept it. Because he is secretive, means I must take steps to protect myself. It is foolish and a waste of my life to wait for him any more. Now it is university and developing friendships and career and reaching out to others after years of isolation. Onwards and upwards!

I just wanted to write it to explain that abuse isn't just tattoos the police curses and fists, you can be highly educated and professional and speak softly and be clearly unhappy and hurt by your past (which should get you sympathy).

I wondered if it resonated with anyone.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Yes it does actually, although as far as I know XH never had an affair. He was not physically violent to me and in fact was a lot harder to deal with when he was being quietly miserable than when he was shouting, although he did have the most scary shout - one of those voices that just goes right through you, like a big dog's bark. I think the thing was, when he appeared to be miserable, I felt sorry for him and wanted to put it all right. Once he realised I definitely meant to leave him, he stopped doing the misery thing altogether because it didn't work any more. Like the aches and pains he suffered from every autumn and winter, that he was sure were something imminently fatal; he never got them or even remembered having had them once the solicitors' letters started flying around.

[Abitwobblynow]

Ha ha, Annie!

Lundy Bancroft is a real eye-opener when it comes to the inner thought processes of men who only think of themselves and don't 'see' you (apart as a dumping chute).

[foolonthehill]

hey wobbly....what next for you?

[MyDonkeysAZombie]

This sounds like a nightmare. Do you mind me asking, are you staying with this pig for religious beliefs? I know you say above you are working on yourself, that almost sounds like penance. I am sorry if I am phrasing this clumsily and don't mean any offence.

[Abitwobblynow]

Fool, what's next? - university, new job, friends, going out without a backward glance (he told me the reason we never go out it because he doesn't want to because I am so miserable) - yippee! I AM FEELING SO MUCH BETTER

Donkey - not so much penance, as growth. I allowed myself to live through and be defined by him. That was my ducking and diving on life, you know? That is my responsibility, not his. So I will grow with him or without him.

MN conveys that leaving is the only option, and leave, like, NOW!. Wobbly will fill her emotional armoury, bank account, make her plans, do lawyer consults on the joint account, make sure she has a network of support, it will all pan out.

Moving onwards and upwards! All on joint assets [hsmile]

[MyDonkeysAZombie]

As long as you don't feel your capacity to love and trust in future is corroded by him I see what you mean. And having children together is a complicating factor. Not prying but are they still young enough not to pick up on what must be at best a strained atmosphere?

[Abitwobblynow]

Sorry Donkey, didn't understand you. We live far apart!

I just wanted to illustrate what 'polite' abuse was. It is self pity rather than aggression mixed in with the same old loads of selfishness. Because it was quiet and polite, it has taken me SO LONG to work out that it is still rejection, still punishment and scapegoating and still disrespectful.

[fiventhree]

But are you really growing, Wobbly, independently from him?

Or are you trying to teach him a lesson?

Only you know the answer, but I do hope that if you want to detach from him, you really are detaching/detached, and not playing out some dance to the death (as it were).

I would hate for you to part in a few years time and regret the intervening period.

[Abitwobblynow]

Thanks for your question, five, but it has gone way beyond that. Teach him a lesson, about what?

I suppose my main reaction is (although I do accept its absolute reality) at the ferocity with which a narcissist will defend his own [emotional and identity] turf, to the exclusion of all logic. In other words, his stance makes him so unhappy, and will lose him so much that he values. But his need to see himself as perfect/victimised and me as the problem - even though he simultaneously doesn't want 'me' gone - is all-consuming even in its illogic.

Mr Five, when confronted with his loss of you, let go of his destructive thinking, yes? The payoff was no longer enough, and it was time to change and he put the work in and I am SURE now is reaping the benefits of deciding to let go of destructive attitudes and to grow.

Mr Wobbly will not. His defenses are simply too high, and I watch him sadly and with some compassion, as I can no longer be held back by him or accept his demeaning treatment of me. His life is circumscribed by fear. It is so sad. So Five, my problem is rather than 'teaching him a lesson' I find myself continuing to shield his fall with my body, as it were.

[MyDonkeysAZombie]

It sounds a tough life Abitwobblynow but hope you feel stronger and less wobbly as time goes on.

[fiventhree]

I find myself continuing to shield his fall with my body, as it were.

But dont, Abitw.

I think he is probably a very sad and damaged person.

I dont think it is your job to fix him, as I know you agree yourself, even if you could.

It's more you I worry about.

I think that staying in a long term relationship/co-living with someone like this is awful.

I know this from experience. Let me explain. As you may remember , I finally discovered my h was unfaithful for 5 plus years. I was suspicious, but not enough, and finally I think I lost any sense that I could ever catch him out, although the last year I was fairly obsessed with looking.

However, that last 2 years, I forced a house move back to my home town, after he had first agreed and then withdrawn his agreement to move post the sale of the house, and in the same breath had then flatly refused to compromise on any one of the issues I was unhappy about, if I agreed to stay put. He simply said, on all counts, that he couldnt or wasnt able or whatever.

So I refused, as it were, to back down on my insistence to move.

There followed two years of pure hell, where he came with us, and treated me like crap, and made it clear that it was 'all my fault;. He dragged the kids into it, and encouraged them openly to dislike the town, at first. He literally moved into his office, and mainly slept on the sofa. Finally, after my health broke down and my own siblings started to question my mental state, I decided to leave him, and as you know, then he did in fact choose to change.

But my point here Wobbly is not whether your h will change, its unlikely, but how long you go on before you snap. Because the effects of that lifestyle are hard to spot coming towards you. I had a dangerous illness 3 times in five weeks just before i snapped, and I was drinking too much wine in the evening, and also although i thought that there was not much work about, i now see (as I am so busy with work) that i was too distracted back then to find any.

And the kids were a mess, but it wasnt clear until later.

I was abolutely f,..ing stupid not to chuck him out, or do what i did do eventually, sooner. And as it happened, my final throwing in of the towel, as it were, got me what i had wanted anyway- so i would have been way happier whatever the outcome.

Can you see my point?

[Abitwobblynow]

I get it hugely Five, and I thank you for your long reply.

Because he is a good father and it is mostly covert, I struggle mightily with my needs v the children's needs. He has also borrowed most of my savings and I need to get them back

So it is small steps of detachment (and I really HAVE detached and am leaving him in a space) and consolidation. I haven't been doing 'nothing' tbh with you, I have been working hard on issues like dependency and developing a sense of self and it is really paying off!

[Abitwobblynow]

When you get to that place (several people have talked about it recently) where you know you will be absolutely fine whether you are married or not - that shifts the balance a lot. I know I will be fine.

[Mayisout]

where you know you will be absolutely fine whether you are married or not

So upshot is that you have changed (or are changing) from when you went into that relationship.

So there is no point in berating yourself for what you put up with or the choices you made (or for what a waste of space he is). You are a different person now (more self-esteem, more confidence in your abilities and thus heading for a happier life).