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As a stand alone incident, what do you think?

(75 Posts)
Machli Wed 24-Oct-12 18:31:54

Firstly, H has a background of being very verbally abusive and controlling towards me but he says he has changed and we are trying very hard to be friendly and move forward.

H calls me to ask where dd's clothes are to get her changed after school. I immediately get up to look for some in the ironing basket. He calls me again and I answer "hold on". I go to the kitchen, to the tumble dryer and pull some clothes out for her, which I turn, smiling, to hand to him as he comes into the room, he comes into the room with a serious look on his face and says "Er Machli, in future, if I speak to you or ask you a question, can you respond and acknowledge that I have spoken to you please?"

What would you think and how would you respond?

colditz Wed 24-Oct-12 18:34:03

I would think "you puffed up twat, don't you dare tell me what to do"

I would say "do not speak to me like that. Ever."

colditz Wed 24-Oct-12 18:34:47

And why doesn't he know where his daughters clothes are? And why is he mithering you while you sort it out?

AThingInYourLife Wed 24-Oct-12 18:35:08

Honestly, I would probably say something like

"Fuck off speaking to me as though you are my boss."

DawnOfTheDee Wed 24-Oct-12 18:35:44

If he has a background of being verbally abusive and controlling then this can't be looked at as a 'stand-alone' incident.

This proves he has not in fact changed and you should decide on your next move based on that fact.

HeathRobinson Wed 24-Oct-12 18:36:47

I'd get his hearing checked, if he didn't hear you say 'hold on'.

NotQuintAtAllOhNo Wed 24-Oct-12 18:36:57

He says he has changed?

err....

How about proving he has changed by acting like a normal man, not some abusive self important twat?

Hyperballad Wed 24-Oct-12 18:37:16

As an isolated incident I would probably reply 'oooooooo keep ya knickers on!' and presume he was tired/stressed and make him a cuppa.

But it isn't an isolated incident is it :0(

I would think he was a tosser and LTB.

Seriously. You say as a stand alone incident but it just cant be. He has a history. And this shows that he has no intention of changing.

This will escalate to worse abuse.

Machli Wed 24-Oct-12 18:45:26

Phew, thanks all. I was wondering if I had overreacted. He has a way of making me think I do most of the time. I responded pretty much as said above though I think if it were to happen again then "puffed up twat" might make an appearance grin.

I just looked at him and said "would you speak to a friend or work colleague like that? If not then don't speak to me like that!" More was said but the gist was that I was overreacting and volatile!

He maintains that he didn't do anything wrong that he was just trying to improve our "communication" which has not always been great in the past. He says that I used to pretend not to hear him and not respond. This is not true, sometimes I would sigh and just go and do what was requested or often would tell him to do it himself, (which pretty much always led to a row)! Also he looked in her drawer but couldn't see the kind of clothes she likes to wear after school, ie leggings and a tshirt, nice and comfy for playing in.

He says he didn't hear me say "Hold On". But I say does it really matter, when I was clearly doing what he requested with good grace and this was obvious as I turned to give him the clothes as soon as he walked in the room. This convo did not need to happen.

sandyballs Wed 24-Oct-12 18:49:46

I would piss myself laughing that he could talk like such a prick!

DawnOfTheDee Wed 24-Oct-12 18:50:43

Unfortunately I think it will happen again as he has not accepted any responsibility and is still maintaining you are the 'volatile' one.

CremeEggThief Wed 24-Oct-12 18:52:50

Are you his DW or his DD?! Because that's how I speak to DS when I know he's deliberately ignoring me!

ecto Wed 24-Oct-12 18:56:43

I'm going against the grain and saying that he was reasonable to ask for an acknowedgement. It is difficult to communicate when you are unsure whether what you have said has been heard or whether you heard but had to do something else first.

However, although the request was reasonable, it should have been made with a smile on his face and in a pleasant tone, which from the sounds of things, it wasn't.

I think that your acknowledgement of "hold on" would have been perfectly fine if you had said it immediately as you were asked the original question. But it seems like you left the room and went to the ironing basket and only answered hold on when he asked again. The reason he asked again was that he didn't know if you were getting the clothes.

The issue of who knows where the clothes are is a separate issue to address and is just clouding the issue here which is whether his request for acknowledgement was reasonable and I do think that depends on the tone used etc.

Machli Wed 24-Oct-12 18:57:26

Thats what I said Cremeegg "I am not one of the kids!"

He said he approached me as calmly as he could so there would be no confrontation but I maintain that it is not something that needed to be said!

He sulked today too and said its "too hard" and I am "too volatile". I swear that it all happened exactly as my post said. I know there are two sides to every story but I have left nothing out.

Machli Wed 24-Oct-12 18:59:07

I didn't say anything straight away because had the clothes been in the ironing basket they would have been with him in less than 5 seconds as its right near where he was. I said "hold on" when granting his lordships request took longer than I thought it would.

Machli Wed 24-Oct-12 18:59:49

I was taking the clothes to him! I am not sure how I could have granted his request better than that.

ImperialBlether Wed 24-Oct-12 19:02:16

Well I don't think it was that bad. What would he have said in the past?

I find it really frustrating when someone doesn't reply when I ask them something. He didn't hear you and thought you hadn't replied. He asked you politely to answer him when he speaks to you.

I think your response should have been, "Oh sorry, I did say 'Hold on' - didn't you hear me?"

diddl Wed 24-Oct-12 19:02:35

Blimey-he sounds awful.

Although I would have answered when he asked-telling him where the stuff was.

ecto Wed 24-Oct-12 19:03:59

If he could see the ironing basket and you looking in it then he was being a twat. If he couldn't see, he may still have not understood that you were getting the clothes.

FizzyLaces Wed 24-Oct-12 19:04:47

Yup, my ex was (is) a bit like that. Dickhead. He had money, a senior job and thought I was his employee.
My lovely kind new partner (of almost 9 years) has never been like that towards me but doesn't have any money.
I know what I prefer smile

Machli Wed 24-Oct-12 19:06:01

I did say that Imperial that was the first thing I said but he carried on about how I ignore him. I didn't say sorry though I must admit, I just said "I said
hold on, I was looking in the ironing basket and then I came in here to look in the dryer" then I handed him the clothes. He still carried on about it though, about how I should answer him whenever he asks me a question. Thats when I said about him talking to me the way he talks to others not differently because I am his wife.

TobyLerone Wed 24-Oct-12 19:06:36

He spoke to you in the exact way my sanctimonious prick of an XH speaks to me. We are divorced for a reason.

recall Wed 24-Oct-12 19:07:04

I would tell him to "fuck off !"

Machli Wed 24-Oct-12 19:08:42

So all of you would answer immediately "yes H just looking in the ironing basket" as soon as he asked the question? Like I said, he asked, I went straight to the ironing basket, had the clothes been in there they would have been with him in about 5 seconds, he wouldn't have had to ask again, when I saw they weren't there and realised they were in the dryer still and it was taking longer I said "Hold On" and went to the kitchen, he came into the kitchen, saw me getting them and gave me the talking to.

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