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Is your partner a compromise? Have you settled for less than love

(68 Posts)
MaiSha2000 Wed 24-Oct-12 18:19:01

I've had so much disappointment in relationships that i no longer have faith in relationships.

Maybe i have been on my own too long but i find most men not worth the trouble. They are just simple minded being and i can not be bothered that this stage to take one one. ( at least that is how i feel sometimes).

I find myself saying... there is no perfect man for me... am getting older, should i compromise.... go for the usual things security and stability and settle?

How many of you have settled for less than love. And if you have is that wrong?

Conflugenglugen Wed 24-Oct-12 20:07:15

I settled. Twice. I'm not doing it again.

Brodicea Wed 24-Oct-12 20:09:18

I settled once: don't do it! It makes you feel worse.

SirSugar Wed 24-Oct-12 20:09:53

Never compromise

Voice of Experience

Conflugenglugen Wed 24-Oct-12 20:13:00

We have a consensus!

Megmog2005 Wed 24-Oct-12 20:15:35

Never ever compromise, been there done that. I have eventually found the one that makes me complete, there's someone out there for you.

KirstyWirsty Wed 24-Oct-12 20:35:04

I compromised having someone I loved to have someone who wanted to settle down .. Huge mistake don't do it!! Xx

peppapigpants Wed 24-Oct-12 21:17:48

I went sour within a few years, pretty soon after DD2 was born. We limped along for another 7 years then he became emotionally and sexually abusive.

Needless to say we are now divorced. Aged 42 I met the love of my life, which I never thought would happen. If I'd known, I'd have waited for the 15 years I wasted on my exH.

geegee888 Wed 24-Oct-12 21:21:43

How many will admit to it? How many keep up an act? I settled, isn't working, I'd rather not settle down in retrospect and have the contact with The One. I don't know if settling down is the be all and end all anyway. But yes, you definately need more between a couple than the desire not to be single any more...

NotMostPeople Wed 24-Oct-12 21:24:44

I settled. I remember telling a girlfriend that he was a nice guy but we'd never done that thing where you're talking till stupid o'clock in the morning. She was older than me and single/divorced and said I was being too fussy. We got married, three years later we divorced. It's not likely to work in the long run.

My dh who I'm very happy with wasn't my type but we got on so well I decided to see what happened and sure enough it's been fab. So I'd say don't compromise but don't be too prescriptive in the early stages.

formallyknownasloveydarling Wed 24-Oct-12 21:26:38

I settled. I wanted kids and panicked about my age. I convinced myself he was ok when actually he is really not for me. Have 2 gorgeous kids but feel quite miserable with dh if I'm honest.

ThompsonTwins Wed 24-Oct-12 21:30:35

Two compromises, two divorces. I won't be trying again.

AlmostAHipster Wed 24-Oct-12 21:31:16

I settled for second best with my second husband. It lasted 18 months and hugely damaged my self-esteem and ability/desire to have another relationship. It's been two years now and I still don't want another man in my life. I'm much happier on my own.

Funnylittleturkishdelight Wed 24-Oct-12 21:38:56

Settled. Divorced. Gambled for something special, paid off. Happy.

pointyfangs Wed 24-Oct-12 21:46:43

I'm a bit ambivalent about this - I think that if you have realistic expectations then you should not settle. I wanted a man who would share my sense of humour, would want children, would be my friend forever. I wanted someone I would always want to talk to about anything and everything, even if we disagreed. Those things really mattered, and in that sense I did not settle - I met DH, in March we will have been a couple 20 years and in April we will have been married 15 years. We've had our rough times, about 6 years ago we were seriously thinking about splitting up. We are now stronger than ever.

But DH was not insanely good looking with hot and cold running six packs, rich enough that I would be able to be a SAHM, perfectly hot in bed without ever needing directions. I did not expect those things.

A friend of mine, until recently, did set serious store by hotness and money. She was miserable. Then love snuck up on her in the form of a guy who is everything she said she would not settle for, and she is now incredibly happy and seriously in love. It reflects on everything she is and does.

So yes, you can 'settle' about the shallow things. But not about the ones that really matter.

bangersnmash Wed 24-Oct-12 23:15:56

I settled with DH 1, lasted 5 years . With DH 2 it was the full shebang. Proper spark and everything . Still together very happy after 10 years . Never settle . You will always have the doubt and what if ...

Ummofumbridge Wed 24-Oct-12 23:29:38

I think I have kind of.
I do love my DH and he is a wonderful person but we don't really have a lot in common aside from the dc. He makes me laugh and adores me but I sometimes think that he's maybe not 'the one'. But does the one really exist?
I've been with DH since we were 20 so about 12 years and we're yet to have a serious argument. It's very steady. No big ups but no big downs either.
I know people who seem to be on a rollercoaster within their relationships. I couldn't live like that but I do wonder if you can have it all?

Ummofumbridge Wed 24-Oct-12 23:30:51

Also just to add I come from a broken home so always wanted a nice happy home for my dc. Which is what they have.

chickydoo Wed 24-Oct-12 23:32:07

I compromised. Am still compromising 20 years later. Mind you he got me, so he has to compromise big time smile

garlicbaguette Wed 24-Oct-12 23:36:40

I was going to post your question, after reading several posters saying "I want a husband".

I can't give you a personal answer - I did one "for passion" and one "for normality" and they were both abusers. My error, not a consequence of 'settling', and I've basically trashed my chances of a successful LTR now. For me, with my background and everything, 'not settling' means being solo and good at it. It was actually my original plan - I was going to have a fatherless child and be Shere Hite + DC - but I hadn't the courage of my convictions at 23, nor later. I've never, ever wanted "to be married" and I don't know whether this is dysfunctional of me or merely sensible confused Fortunately, I'm old enough not to care.

It's interesting, though, what Pointy says above. How do you know whether your expectations and/or wishes are realistic? Can most people (less fucked-up than me) trust their instincts to correctly choose the right partner for them? Or have matchmaking traditions, like the Jewish and Hindi ones, got the right idea?

spookiesackhouse Wed 24-Oct-12 23:43:57

I settled because I was desperate for normality and children. I was miserable. And I didn't get either.

Still waiting and hoping to find someone special... :-)

garlicbaguette Wed 24-Oct-12 23:44:43

Tried a matchmaker yet?

snoopdogg Thu 25-Oct-12 00:00:22

I'm with spookie, same here sad.

Don't do it, life's not for settling, only get one shot blah blah.

Ask yourself 'what's the worse that could happen?' The answer usually is 'I end up with me'.

You need to be able to live with that answer, whatever happens in between.

FoofyShmooffer Thu 25-Oct-12 00:06:42

Love. Absolutely love because I swear to God after some of the shit we've been through in the last 15 years if it wasn't for the love we'd never have got this far.

I just can't see how settling can be a good thing. Not really. Not deep down.

ouryve Thu 25-Oct-12 00:08:39

Nope. DH offers no grand gestures or anything and has an awful sense of humour, but we're right together. We fit together well, both quiet, techie geeky types with similar values.

Ex H was about the big gestures and disaplay. Yes, the more sick i became of his displays angry and the closer i came to leaving him, the more ridiculously huge the bouquets of flowers I had to lug home from work became.

DH knows that I don't give a shit if he ever buys me flowers. I'd rather eat chocolates and drink wine with him in front of the telly grin

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