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I suspect my boyfriend is depressed

(10 Posts)
Boomerwang Wed 24-Oct-12 15:20:17

A thought has been knocking around in my head lately. It's that if it weren't for our young daughter (7 months) I would have left by now.

When I met my boyfriend he found lots of things funny. He wanted to visit his mates and go out and have fun. When our daughter was born he raced around setting up bits and bobs in the house to make it easier for her and ourselves. He used to wake and and wonder what to do that day. He used to be spontaneous. He was very loving.

Now we haven't had sex in 5 months and I no longer want to. I wouldn't enjoy it and I don't think he would. He's always saying he's told me things when I'm pretty sure he hasn't. He can't sleep properly and he's always tired. He used to love going to work, but now every day he dreads it.

I find it hard to get a response from him. I have to look at him and say 'well?' or 'please answer me' and then he gets shirty because he's already answered. His 'answer' is either a barely verbal grunt or barely audible word directed at his computer screen or tv.

Last year I asked if he'd take me to the zoo. He said it was better to go in the Summer. This summer I asked him and he said 'someday' and I've asked him if he'll take me and the baby tomorrow as we're both off and it's getting colder outside now. He shrugged his shoulders. I asked what that meant. He didn't respond. I said 'is that a yes or a no?' and then he jumped down my throat saying 'I said YES! ffs!'

Normally I take a deep breath and just leave him alone but this time I told him outright to forget about the zoo as I don't want to spend any time with him any more.

So, is he depressed? If so, how can I help? I am already on antidepressants and have been for three years so I know what doesn't help. I hate feeling like I'm a nag, but as I keep pointing out, I'm only a nag because he doesn't do what I ask (put dirty washing in the basket not the floor for ex.) if he just did it then I wouldn't have to keep asking! If he responded to me, even maybe looked at me once in a while when he spoke to me, then I wouldn't have to keep asking for the answer to the same question.


AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 24-Oct-12 15:24:02

I would not be staying in such a relationship for the child within it. Its not a relationship role model you really want to teach your DD, what do you want to teach her about relationships?.

It sounds like you are now seeing the real him.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 24-Oct-12 15:49:16

What is it about work that he dreads? That would be my question to him. He's displaying more symptoms of anxiety or stress rather than depression and if he dreads going to work and has difficulty sleeping I would think that work is the source of the stress.

Next thing to say is that, we all get stressed, tired, grumpy or whatever. What is not acceptable is to make the people around us suffer just because we're going through a bad patch.

So I would talk to him about why he is so low but make him understand that he needs to help himself and that this lazy, sullen, not-sleeping version of him is not welcome. If he needs to see a GP, he sees a GP. If he needs help with something at work, he tackles that. 'Doing nothing' is not an option.

Boomerwang Fri 26-Oct-12 15:06:22

I want to say thank you for the responses and I'll answer properly when I'm alone

cestlavielife Fri 26-Oct-12 15:28:32

get him to see the GP.
he needs to see GP and go thru depresion questionnaire.
t is his responsibility look after his won mental health he is an adult.

tell he he has to go to see GP you will support him.

otherwise you have had enough and he should go somewhere else for a bit. go to his friend/family wherever. you do not have to live with this if he isnt doing anything about it

also mention to gp the "high" active behaviour. racing around. then the low.
extremes of highs and lows could be bipolar.

Boomerwang Sat 27-Oct-12 07:44:16

He's got an appointment for next Thursday. This is the only reason that I'm not pulling him up for going off sick yesterday and today. I've been there, I know how easy it is to say 'fuck it all' and bury your head but he's got a mortgage and a baby to think about and he knows this.

He seems to have fallen further since a few days ago. I'm being patient, letting him lie on the sofa and do nothing for much of the day but I'm expecting that to stop soon. At least he still makes an effort for the baby and doesn't let me do it all, although he is less patient with her than he used to be. If she cries for longer than 5 minutes he'll shout over the top of her head that he can't hear me 'BECAUSE SHE'S CRYING SO LOUD'. That's when I tell him to give me the baby and fuck off back to bed. I cannot abide people who have to take out their stress on a vulnerable child.

It's things like this which are causing us to argue more. It would be a lot more were it not for the fact I let a lot of things go in order to avoid negativity in front of the baby.

I am to blame for some things. Because I'm losing patience with him, I've started talking down to him a bit like he's a child. We were cleaning because we're trying to sell the house and had a visit that day and I asked him to go around and clean the glass. He completely missed all the large mirrors we have. When I pointed this out he said I'd only mentioned glass. I got a bit exasperated and said that I'd thought it was obvious, why should I have to explain so thoroughly to an adult?

Anyway it heated up and he slammed a door and shouted and threw bits of paper about. Our baby was lying on her playmat and just staring. She started to cry. I was watching her all the way through this argument, telling my boyfriend to calm down.

I said 'If you ever act violently in front of the baby again I'll call your parents and mine and tell them all the gory details' It's just the first thing that sprang to mind. He said 'I wouldn't be violent if you didn't treat me like a kid', to which I responded 'I could call you a twat to your face and I still wouldn't expect you to start slamming doors'

Anyway five minutes later he had the baby in her high chair, stroking her head and giving her kisses and making her laugh. Then he went and sat with his head in his hands. I was too indignant to care.

Hmm bit long, way too much info. I guess I needed to let it out. I feel better about it.

Runningblue Sat 27-Oct-12 07:57:43

Depressed. Completely convinced of it. It sounds like a nightmare for you, I am sure your feeling knackered by the usual realms of new baby.

He could be finding it v hard to adjust after having the baby, maybe? I think the biggest hope is he still helps and interacts well with your baby.

It's easy to say but try to be positive, he has a gps appointment - a massive step forward. Can you gently help him prepare for that? Has he thought about writing down his situation? It might help him plan what he wants to say- or he could just hand over the 'letter' to the doctor ( I did this, and doc was v happy I'd done it)

Runningblue Sat 27-Oct-12 08:01:17

Ps sorry to point out the obvious but nurture yourselves...

you've got a lot of pressures at the mo- usuals eg you on mat leave, in different circumstance to normal, mortgage to pay, ft job to keep up etc, but also new baby, moving house, stress between you etc.

Anyone of those could be a stress/anxiety trigger.. Ie you've both got a lot on your plate...

Boomerwang Fri 16-Nov-12 08:03:01

Hi, I'm really sorry to have waited so long to update on this, but my internet was down due to nonpayment of the bill.

He went to the doctor and came back with a pack of citalopram. He's been taking them for two weeks and the change is obvious.

He's spontaneous again, deciding to take us out window shopping (which actually turned into me pushing the baby outside all the shops while he nipped in to look at stuff but never mind) and he has more energy. In fact I think he's on a bit of a high, so I've warned him that he'll probably settle after a few weeks on the pills.

We've managed to sell our house and found another place to rent. He's really excited about it, he's acting positive again and he doesn't lie around on the sofa any more.

He never believed in antidepressants before. He made me feel that it was all in my head because I took them, but I've asked him what he thinks of them now. He says he feels like he could take on anything now. He was all for me coming off mine, so I asked how long he thinks he'll take them for. He reckons he has no plans to come off them any time soon while he feels like this. I asked if he still thought it was 'all in your head' and he had to concede that it couldn't be a placebo effect because the difference was huge.

Thank you for all your help guys, I'm pleased that I could give a happy ending to this one.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 16-Nov-12 08:57:18

Glad he got treatment and that it worked out OK. However, a lot of MH problems tend to go in cycles so agree with him that, once this episode has run its course and he has stabilised, he flags up if/when he feels that he's slipping back in future rather than making you or the rest of the family suffer. If there are any talking therapies on offer that could improve his resilience, encourage him to accept. Obviously, you look for signs as well and nip it in the bud if it happens again. Good luck

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