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trying to recover from DH affair

(14 Posts)
imawigglyworm Wed 24-Oct-12 13:57:58

Last year I found out DH had had an affair. He told me it was someone he met a xmas works party (but not from his work) he was texting her for 4 months and sleeping with her for another 4 months. It stopped when I found out.
Anyway, we decided to make a go of things and its really not been easy. Evere since ive had a gut feeling that he still hasnt been completely honest about it all and generally my gut instinct is quite good. I dont know what it is thats keeping me wondering, I just think maybe it WAS someone from his work or it went on longer.
A few days after I found out I made him ring her to tell her I knew and he didnt want anything to do with her. she didnt answer the phone and didnt contact him for a few days. I told him he had to tell her then she (accidently, supposingly) rung him he told her he was staying with me and wanted nothing to do with her. And that was it.
But I cant get my head around how easy it was for them to break it off, they were together most days (he'd visit her before work) and were continuiosly texting (saying 'i love you', 'missing you' as well as the sex talk!) I just dont see how its that easy for the both of them, no discussion about it just its over and that was that.

Maybe I am reading too much into it? DH says it was just sex dispite the above.
Do you think gut instinct is enough to go on? I want it out with him but dont want to ruin what we are rebuilding sad

madonnawhore Wed 24-Oct-12 14:08:58

So sorry you're going through this.

I don't think you have a hope in hell of rebuilding anything until he can be completely honest with you.

He should be bending over backwards to beg your forgiveness and prove to you that he's genuinely remorseful and will do anything to salvage the marriage.

Instead it sounds like he's trying to sweep everything under the carpet and minimise his own guilt. How has he got the brass neck to say it was 'just sex' when he told her he loved her? He's treating you like you're stupid.

NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

I'd ask him to leave for a bit while you get your head straight.

izzyizin Wed 24-Oct-12 14:11:43

How did you find out about his affair? How honest has he been about it - has he showed you any of the texts/emails they exchanged, told you her name and
whether she's married etc?

Unless he is completely, to the point of being brutally, honest with you about why he chose to have an affair, why he chose her, what he got out of it, etc, whatever you are 'rebuilding' will have its foundations on very shaky ground.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 24-Oct-12 14:13:04

Once you've been lied to so comprehensively, you will always doubt what he's telling from now on. You're quite right that it all seems too easy come, easy go from his point of view. It's rarely 'just sex'.... but that's a common excuse. You're probably right that it started earlier than he's saying. You're likely to be right that it's still going on and they're just being more careful.

I don't think you can rebuild anything when there is so much doubt and mistrust and I think the responsibility for that is entirely his, not yours. You are entitled to be suspicious and entitled to have negative gut feelings. He is the only one ruining anything.

izzyizin Wed 24-Oct-12 14:13:29

'just sex'? He could have had that with you anytime, couldn't he?

imawigglyworm Wed 24-Oct-12 14:21:06

I found out by checking his phone (never done it before) We were going through a really rough patch and on the verge of breaking up (obviously due to the unkown affair). He stayed at a friends for the night, didnt ring or text even for the sake of the kids. When he came round the next day and popped to the loo I just looked at his texts cause my gut told me something wasnt right and I saw the texts between them hidden under the name paul - the excuse he made whenever the phone rung or was getting bombarded by texts.

He told me her name, town she lives, she had a boyfriend but not at the start. Hes been quite honest (that I know of) and is really making an effort to rebuild our marraige in otherways like helping more with our kids, being more attentive to me and helping around the house all were getting neglected by him at the time.

I feel like I cant move on because I have this 'feeling' that he hasnt told the whole truth and its really eating away at me. BUt what if it is all in my head and me thinking too much. Ive asked him before and he says he has told me the truth.

Doha Wed 24-Oct-12 14:23:25

Trust you instincts OP-they usually are right

imawigglyworm Wed 24-Oct-12 14:26:31

Im sure he isnt still seeing her because he is home more than he was and isnt going to work early.

Maybe its because I cant even comprehend having an affair so thats why I cant understand it from his point of view. But yes I do agree it would of been more than just sex.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 24-Oct-12 14:50:37

"I feel like I cant move on because I have this 'feeling' that he hasnt told the whole truth and its really eating away at me."

I'm sorry to tell you this but that feeling will only get worse, not better. Even if he's being 100% faithful now you will never ever erase the memory of him and her together or get rid of the suspicions & questions that are constantly running around in your head. It's quite normal unfortunately and you'll find you go from where you are now to resentment to actually hating him unless he does something drastic to regain your trust...

Looksgoodingravy Wed 24-Oct-12 15:12:30

Has he been transparent with you giving you access to his phone, emails etc does he 'check-in' with you when he's out and about?

Have you the Shirley Glass book Not 'Just Friends'? It helped me to understand a bit more of why dp chose to cheat. I sat and read it with dp.

Did you ever have counselling together or for yourself?

Furthermore did he tell you things you wouldn't have been able to find out but only what you had already found out. Do you think there is more to his story. She's connected to his work, how?

Seems like there is still lots of unanswered questions.

moonfacebaby Wed 24-Oct-12 16:02:36

When my H had his affair, he lied about who it was with & the extent of it.

My gut told me something wasnt right -and I kept asking him & things just didn't add up. Further snooping confirmed my suspicions & it was a work colleague.

My H didn't want me to know it was someone from work, because he knew it would complicate the situation & he also wanted me to think it wasnt as intense or involved as it was.

They will always try to minimise it - for whatever reasons they see. My H's was that he didn't want to hurt me anymore than he had (!), and he knew how I'd react to his OW still being at his workplace.

Whilst I believe that his affair ended when I found out, I do find it hard to trust him as he still works in the same office. Not on the same project anymore, but she's still there. He has done everything I've asked to be transparent but I still have moments of doubt, because he violated my trust. I find it hard to trust my instinct anymore - I just have to see his behaviour as proving that he is being honest. He is a broken man in many ways & feels awful for what he's done to us, so I hope that means he wouldn't hurt me further. His affair was very out of character for him too.

Its hard to recover from infidelity - even harder if you don't think that you have all the facts. The truth can get you on the right path to a possible sense of healing.

countingto10 Wed 24-Oct-12 16:09:04

This may help you and him to understand the need to know everything. Good luck, it is a very hard road to travel sad

HeftyHeifer Wed 24-Oct-12 17:02:20

I don't know if he's still seeing her, but IME, the first thing a man does when his DW discovers his affair, is tell OW. He tells OW because he's trying to cover his arse as he knows his DW may well try to contact her. He also wants to keep OW on his hook, so he will tell her that they have to cool it off for a while until DW stops being suspicious. So I suspect that by the time you told him he had to tell her you knew, that she'd already known for at least a couple of days.

As moonfacebaby points out above, it's a rare man who will tell DW everything as soon as his affair is discovered. He will minimise as much as he can get away with. I think there is more to this than he told you and that's probably why you are feeling something else is bothering you.

It's a horrible thing to deal with. Some couples can apparently get through it but it's a very tough road.

youliveyoulearn Fri 26-Oct-12 19:17:19

"But what if it's all in my head and me thinking too much"
That's just what I keep thinking as H denies that anything sexual just friendship! Only OW is an ex girlfriend who he had an affair with about 14 years ago.
I do worry that if I keep asking questions he will eventually have enough of me and leave and I don't want that to happen I just need details.
Also he did text/phone other woman straight away when I found out and did give me her phone no within half an hour. I questioned why if just friendship did she need to know so soon!
Today was an emotinal day and I text H to say that maybe should go to relate but he really feels that it's not nesscessary as we know what our issues are. I just feel that I need some help to get over it and have 3rd party to ask him relevant questions.

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