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I want an affair...with my own husband(27 Posts)
Oh dear... he sounds like hard work. For 'we are very happy' read 'I'm all right Jack'. All you can do really is force the pace. Arrange the social life and drag him along, sabotage the lap-top, set up 'dates'. But, to be fair, if he has always been this way, it's a vain hope that he's suddenly going to turn in to the last of the red hot lovers.
Or you could take a lover, of course... doubt he'd notice or care.
I think once you've got the baby years done you seem to just get into a rut of being together and not talking any more. It gets to be a habit.
We started going out at least once a month and having one night at the weekend set as a special meal night. Either one of us would cook something special or we'd get a takeaway. It worked.
I know this sounds cringy but date night once a month?
Or start a sunday morning tradition of breakfast and papers in bed, or country pub lunch?
Argh I'm like you more emotional then introverted. I like attention There is a really good book about introverted and extroverted people but I can't remember the name.
Apparently all relationships have an extroverted and introverted person in them, even if we don't always realise it. Might be worth thinking how you could logically spell it out to him what you want and need to feel more loved.
That's not a good strategy with someone such as you describe. You need to meet this head on rather than relying on hints or assumptions. If you're not happy and you feel neglected, lay out for him what you'd like him to change rather than leaving it at 'I'm lonely'.
One technique you can try is a kind of interview. You could set it up as after dinner conversation, just the two of you with no outside distractions. Then you get to finish the following sentences about each other....
1. "What I appreciate/like about you is..."
2. "What I'd like you to do less often/say more often/do differently is ...."
It sounds a little staged but it's a good way of a) showing appreciation and b) sharing constructive criticism. Can lead on to all kinds of interesting chats.
You say that he doesn't find social dinners, clubs etc interesting. Perhaps you could book a night out for just the two of you once a week - compulsory attendance and book it in advance - cinema, theatre, restaurant, a couple of hours walk in the country, visit a stately home etc?
It might be that it is the whole doing stuff in groups that he doesn't really find interesting, but he might well enjoy just time with you.
Also, make at least one night a week laptop free, and tv free too. Spend some time together listening to music instead. It's hard to make conversation when you or the other person's attention is on their laptop, or watching mind-numbing programmes back to back on tv.
Well TBH if he makes you feel 'slightly ridiculous' over wanting emotional intimacy, then he is in all honesty a selfish pig. Even if he doesn't 'get' it, he should be making the effort simply because it matters to you.
My h is similar- like his own space and hobbies etc.
At Relate it was suggested, on more general issues, to be clear with each other about what you want. Many women are not so good at that, including me. Its no good expecting them to know.
I think that re socialising- make the plans and either he comes or doesnt, or you will end up living how he wants, if he wont compromise. I think I did a bit, and even now we mainly socialise when we do because of my friends and contacts, not his.
I wasnt clear whether you were saying intimacy and spending time just as a couple was a problem too? If it is, I think that is a slightly bigger issue. It can be difficult to find time alone when kids are young, but I think it really is necessary if you are to keep the relationship strong. If he doesnt agree about this, I do suggest relate.
In fact, it is at this stage that Relate is most useful and why so many couples did ish they went earlier- it is earlier on in a relationship when issues need airing, not later when they have caused a greater rift.
What were his parents like in their relationship? If there were similar problems, maybe there have been negative consequences too.
There does seem to be a slight adult/child thing going on in his thinking, or yours- is there an issue there?
Are you trying to merge your social life and your relationship? Is this essential? He doesn't sound a very social person, and being just like him myself I sympathise somewhat. Such events are dull and tortuous for me. But I'm sure he loves you very much and would love to have some one-on-one time with you, especially if you compromised and went to some locations/did some activities that he also likes. I love going round museums too! Can you not make a day of it and reawaken the courting stage in his mind? He sounds fairly straightforward so I agree that you need to be blunt with him. If you are unhappy in the relationship or are thinking of ending it, tell him this. Understand that you will never change his fundamental personality and decide what you can and can't handle. Can you go on like this for the rest of your lives without change on his part? Would you need some sort of compromise from him? How much, and would he be willing to do that or not?
He will never be the man you want him to be so it's unfair to badger him endlessly in this vein. You just have to work out how much it matters that you love each other and have children together. You sound ripe for an affair and I wonder if he realises this?
Gosh it really sounds as if he's not meeting your needs. You sound so sad raspberry. So belittled, as if your feelings count for nothing. He comes across as cold, withdrawn and patronising.
Could you show him this thread?
My DP is like yours, he could charm a snake if he wanted but finds social events dull and hard work and he'd rather be in his own company. I have never tried to change this as it is his personality, but I, like you, have felt the desire for more intimacy, ona cerebral level but also physically.
I read somewhere that organising a monthly date night can put a lot of pressure on having a sensible conversation and it might kill the fun by being too pretentious or staged. Instead, the article suggested to try to have every day 10 to 15 minutes of conversations where you learn to laugh together, or have a bit of banter. We've tried this since a few weeks and it has worked miracles on the physicla front. For me there is no greater aphrodisiac than laughing with him. DP is very witty and funny and making me laugh is for him a sign that I still appreciate him. I guess the feeling of being connected, of "getting" each other is pulling us closer.
Maybe devote each day a bit of us time...15 minutes is easily found if one looks!
Your relationship sounds a very lonely one
I wonder what will be left when your children have gone their own way? Have you talked about that with him?
Tell him how you feel. If he says that you are being silly, let him know very clearly that you are serious, and that this matters to you. If he persists, let him know that he is not taking you seriously and you are hurt by this.
And mean it.
"He just hardly makes love or even touches me".
Has he always been like this?
What happens when you initiate the touching?
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