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Sad for ds

(9 Posts)
noddyholder Wed 24-Oct-12 11:09:05

My ds is 18. Earlier this year my mum cut me out of her life after I asked her to stop saying something nasty to myself and my sibings. She has fallen out with everyone over the years and I was the last person still putting up with her. She went absolutely nuts at being challenged and and hasn't spoken to me since. My ds and dp have known all along and are supportive but my ds is sad now as he really expected her to change her mind and he is concerned about xmas as he won't see my step brother or step dad and he usually sees them every year. This year will just be the 3 of us and my sister and her partner. I feel bad for him and don't know what to do!

stillsmilingafteralltheseyears Wed 24-Oct-12 11:23:53

Hi, I'm really sorry this has happened, and I can see that it is sad.

I have had a similar situation as I have had to drastically cut back contact with my family and my DH has pretty much stopped seeing his difficult father - double whammy!

I get through by acknowledging how sad it is, but saying of the two options - put up with bad treatment vs. reduce/cut contact - which sends a healthier message to our children? It is better to be able to stand up for ourselves rather than just put up with bad treatment.

Let you DS talk about his sad feelings and explain you are sad to but feel this is healthier. Is there any way your DS could contact your SB direct?

noddyholder Wed 24-Oct-12 11:41:55

Thanks. I had a chat with him yesterday and he is very supportive of me and is very aware of how my mum is He is not really bothered about seeing her. I will contact my brother and step dad and invite them to us They have probably been told by my mum not to dare speak to me! I have to laugh in some ways it sounds so ridiculous but this is how she is. If they knew how she treated us and what she said to me in the long awful email she sent they would be shocked. She has probably turned this all on me and it is hard having no way of having my say! I am thinking of contacting them and just telling them the truth. I think my step dad would be shock at some of the things she has done over the years

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 24-Oct-12 11:46:13

If it's anything like my family where the list of who is allowed to talk to whom and who we're not talking to any more could be very long indeed.... we just ignore it all and the rest of us talk to each other in private via texts and social media. It is ridiculous so encourage your DS to keep up a relationship with anyone he wants to. If they're too cowardly to reciprocate it's really their problem.

noddyholder Wed 24-Oct-12 11:50:16

It is ridiculous to what? Not sure what you mean? My ds loves his grandad and uncle and my mum is stopping them seeing him. They have had no contact for over 6 months!

noddyholder Wed 24-Oct-12 11:51:33

sorry misread that as to not so!

noddyholder Wed 24-Oct-12 11:52:45

I know what you mean cognito but they are terrified of her totally controlled. They have seen what she does to anyone who says anything to her she cuts them out of her life. She has done this with 3 of 4 children and all her own siblings and old friends

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 24-Oct-12 12:32:04

If she carries on cutting people out of her life for saying anything she'll end up very lonely, that's all. This is why it's important that people like your DS (and you for that matter) keep up normal communications with the other members of the family. Make it clear that she is the problem, not them.

noddyholder Wed 24-Oct-12 12:49:31

Yes thats what we all do. She just makes it very difficult for them. I was her last 'friend' as it were I never challenged her ever because I wanted ds to see her but once he got to 18 and she was still the same I'd had enough!

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