Does anyone else quietly resent their DP?

[Jen547]

DD is 8 weeks old and I am on maternity leave until March.

Basically I feel hugely resentful to DP as it seems only MY life has changed since her arrival. As he works (shifts, starting at midday or 6pm) I generally do night feeds and early mornings. He sometimes can get really quite shirty if I ask him to do them and takes this out on DD by shouting at her and being just slightly to physical when handling her. So while he sleeps well almost every night I am exhausted.

I miss working as I thoroughly enjoy my job and I must admit I don't always enjoy parenthood (unplanned) although of course I love her with my whole heart!

I have no time to travel to see my friends as baby goes everywhere with me and I don't drive so this can be difficult, and often can't make plans as I don't know when he will be home to watch her, but he still has time to do all his sports and nights out with mates without worrying about child care as he knows I'll have her.

The only thing different in his life is he has a bit less spending money, whereas my life is unrecognisable and I find my self just being so angry at him all the time for this. Am I the only person who feels this way? Am I being selfish?

[SamSmalaidh]

Your DP shouts at and physically manhandles an 8 week old baby?

You're not selfish, he sounds abusive. Has he always been like this?

[colditz]

Dude, your partner sounds fucking horrible!

[Toomanycuppas]

First of all, congratulations on your little girl.

I don't know what to say Jen, I feel so sad for you at what should be a lovely time. There is no excuse for your partner getting slightly too physical/shirty and shouting at an 8 week old baby. I wouldn't trust him at all and never be able to leave her alone with him. I'm sorry if I'm wrong but it seems like your resentfulness of him is making him take revenge on the baby.

Was he looking forward to her birth?

[Hyperballad]

I don't feel like this at all, my DP works long hours and I see it as my job to do everything with the baby. I don't miss work one bit!

But

My DP will notice when I'm past it and he will happily take the baby to give me a half our break. On my 4th feed of the night and the baby is crying I get reassuring hand rub on my back and a sleepy offer to take him for a bit.

If my DP was like yours I would definitly feel resentful and u would be sad and concerned about him not bonding with the baby.

He needs a really good kick up the arse. I would not stand for any kind of taking it out on DD either.

This time is so precious with your LO in regards to how your feeling, you have years and years to work, I really think you should try and find ways of really appreciating this time you have. You can never get it back again but work is always there for you.

[colditz]

The ops behaviour has absolutely nothing to do with the way her partner is treating his eight week old daughter, please do not imply that the op is "making" this wanker shout at and manhandle a tiny baby. She's not. He's choosing to do it, possibly because he's just a shit dad, or possibly because he is so jealous of the attention the baby gets that he wants her to be hurt and frightened.

Neither of these things are the ops fault. I want to be utterly clear on that.

[Hyperballad]

Also regarding seeing your friends, can you arrange nights in? Send out FB invites for 'saturday night tv and nibble' or 'friday night film'.

This is what I do so I get to see my mates, socialise but mostly in the comfort of my own home so I can manage the baby too.

Saying that baby has been to several restaurants/ pubs, just take him with me to meet friends!

[Toomanycuppas]

colditz you are of course absolutely correct. My apologies OP, please disregard that comment .

[Jen547]

Thanks everyone for your responses. Can I just clarify, he is not in any way abusive, just has quite an immature way of dealing with frustration. I've lost my temper with him before and told him that if he continues to shout at her I will remove her from the environment without a second thought and he is generally much improved on hearing this, except at 3am when anger management techniques are somewhat diminished.

hyperballad I completely understand that I shouldn't wish it away as such but I'm quite sad that I'm missing work now, while she's teeny tiny and basically does nothing but poop cry and sleep and then have to go back to work just when she really starts to develop. And also as I am home I am expected to do majority of housework which I understand but it has never been my desire to be a housewife but apparently Mum and Housewife are synonymous.

[Hyperballad]

I'm expected to do all the housework too, well unless it has to be done well then DP has to do his bit too! I'm not brilliant at being a housewife but I'm totally loving being a mum.

Is there a chance you could have a bit of PND? I know not everyone enjoys the newborn stage but you do seem quite sad and down.

[Hyperballad]

Also this is your time to truly bond with your baby, she might be teeny tiny and not do much but this is the time where you get that incredible bond. Do loads of skin on skin, allow yourself to just sit and cuddle her and stare at her beautiful little face.

[garlicbaguette]

The only thing different in his life is he has a bit less spending money

This is all wrong, Jen. He is now a FATHER.

What do fathers do, according to you and to him?

[izzyizin]

While you are caring fulltime for the baby and undertaking the majority of the household chores, what exactly does your nasty gobshite 'd'p do around the house when he's not getting 'slightly too physical/shirty and shouting' at his 8wo infant?

FWIW, Mum and Housewife are as synonymous as you choose to allow them to be.

Also FWIW, I suggest you keep an overnight bag packed and ready to go and call a cab/drive yourself and your baby to family/friends/hotel next time the gobshite your 'd'p kicks off at 3am.

[bumpkinpumpkin]

You do really need to have an all out discussion about how you go forward. Clearly the misery of it amongst the other things in your op are bringing it to a head.

It's important that both sides make sacrifices when you have a baby and Its no wonder you resent him. He's not being v nice. In my experience men are not generally good at night feeds and lack of sleep but to carry on with his life regardless, without so much as a second thought for you is exceptionally selfish.

So if you believe you have a future together he must make changes. Lay down what is and not acceptable and how it is making you feel. Some men have to have everything completely spelt out to them, he might be one of those. My dh although v gentle and loving with dcs would if I hadn't put my foot down be going to the gym 5 nights a week and then xbox in every spare moment.

If you decide things are not going to change I'd really urge you to think about leaving or make a plan for the future. I've been a single mum and actually if youre doing everything now anyway you'll soon realise life is no harder in fact you're freer to make your own choices. My social life as a single mum of 4 was the best I've had!!

It's such an important time right now for you and your little bundle. Don't end up resenting baby because dps making you miserable. Put you and baby first, be strong x sorry so long.

[ErikNorseman]

If he can even contemplate shouting at and being rough with his newborn child then he is abusive. How will he be when she's a challenging toddler? Keep a very close eye on him.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"Can I just clarify, he is not in any way abusive, just has quite an immature way of dealing with frustration"

You can't chance this.... If he's immature & frustrated he has to grow up and fast because yelling at a new-born baby is completely uncalled for and unacceptable. I don't want to be harsh because I think you're having a tough enough time already but, as a mother, your main job is to protect your child... not make excuses for some stupid man who can't control his behaviour.

This is line in the sand time or your life will get worse rather than better. He has to stop being an overgrown kid, take some responsibility and start acting like an adult.... or else

[colditz]

Shouting and rough handling a tiny baby is already abusive. In that way, he is abusive. I really would like you to ring women's aid, and in the meantime, please don't let him deal with the baby.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shaken_baby_syndrome

[Jen547]

I'm pretty sure im not suffering from PND, just feel that before Dd came along we both lived fairly selfish lives and while I've had to abandon that it feels like he hasn't, and doesn't need to because I have if that makes sense? Like he knows he can make plans with friends as he knows I'll be home with DD, but I can't coz Im not able to make this assumption about him. I think having a newborn is just a very very different experience for mums as it is for dads. We are all in, 100%. Whereas they are sort of as involved as they choose to be really. And sometimes I sort of wish I could just be a parent 'some of the time' like he seems to be.
Love how supportive everyone is but don't worry, I'm no victim and would NEVER let my daughter be. He has been warned about the shouting and will NOT be warned a second time. He was actually really upset when I told him I was uncomfortable leaving her with him! He had a little cry which is very unusual for him!

[ashesgirl]

Having a baby affects the mother disproportionately.

We are women used to having a life and career and suddenly out the blue, that all changes dramatically. Whilst our partners' lives change too, it's often not to the same degree by any stretch.

So I fully sympathise and understand. I never spoke about this to people but found maternity leave tedious in the extreme. It irritated me a lot when people implied it should be the best time of life, simply because I was now a mother. I didn't fit the maternal 'mode' unfortunately for me.

I don't even know if it's depression, just a normal reaction to a massive life change.

In your situation, it's being compounded by an unhelpful partner, unwilling to change his life too much. Massive empathy gap on his part here.

Probably his attitudes to domestic stuff were never much brought to the fore beforehand. But having a baby has thrown the balance of your life way off. He is out of order if he thinks his life can carry on much the same and you should carry the can.

[cestlavielife]

it is early days and once she is three or four months old will be entirely portable and you can go everywhere and anywhere with her. i hope you ahve a lgiht weight buggy/travel seat so you CAN go on trains bplanes buses etc? plus a back pack or baby carrier like baby bjorn?

his immaturity is not on.
no excuse to shout or be physical at 3 am or any time of day or night.

he could actually harm her if he loses control - it really is as serious as that.

is he happy at being a father? at all?

no reason why you cant leave her with him for up to two hours or even three between feeds as she now eight weeks. BUT you ned ot be confident he will handle the crying...

does he come out with you and baby happy to show her off when out walking in park? glad to be a dad? or ??

[ashesgirl]

Ps. To the OP, I only really woke up to sexism when I became a mother. I think this is partly what you're experienceing here.

[HipHopOpotomus]

"just feel that before Dd came along we both lived fairly selfish lives and while I've had to abandon that it feels like he hasn't, and doesn't need to because I have if that makes sense?"

This is what I said to DP when DD1 was about 6 weeks old:
"If you want to live like a bachelor you are of course free to do so, but you must leave and live elsewhere thanks. I have zero interest in living with a bachelor. If you want to be part of this family, then I need you to to be present and be involved and work things out with me, while we all build a life together."

Thankfully he chose the 2nd option and we are a good team.

[garlicbaguette]

Well said and clearly summarised, HipHop. I'm glad your DP heard you right, but if he hadn't - being a lone parent on your own has got to be more life-enhancing than being an effectively lone parent with an adult passenger!

Wishing you a successful 'hard talk', OP. Let us know how it goes :)

[HipHopOpotomus]

I agree Garlic.
Also it is a huge transition - perhaps this is often easier for mums who are hands on from even before the birth, whilst many Dad's feel less connected.

The other thing I did OP, was from very early on, was insist that DP bathed the baby. this gave me 1/2 hour or so to be by myself, and put baby & father close together, with some good old skin on skin bonding. I had to show him what to do (cause I got the baby instructions didn't I ), but then he took off as his confidence grew and from that responsibility they developed such a close and lovely relationship.

I would not have done this if I didn't feel confident in DP - if he was getting angry with the baby, shouting etc I wouldn't have done this - like garlicbaguette says "being a lone parent on your own has got to be more life-enhancing than being an effectively lone parent with an adult passenger!" which is even worse if you think that adult may harm your child.