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what to do about ex still seeing home as 'his'?

(26 Posts)
yummymommy1 Tue 23-Oct-12 21:59:46

my ex is verbally, emotionally abusive.controlling , volatile, possessive,erratic, changeable,with a drink problem .we seperated 18 months ago. he had added himself to my tenancy ( housing association) when we got a bigger flat just before i gave birth. he moved out, took himself off the tenancy and got his own h.a flat . he still sees this as 'our' flat, and says anywhere his daughter lives is also his.he refused to leave the other day when he became verbally aggressive and threatening. i said i would call the police, i think he gets off on controntation and arguments from his patterns over last 4 years, so i didnt call them.he seems programmed to cause chaos, drama, and conflict .he is gifted in starting arguments like no one i know. what are my options legal and otherwise if this happens again and when i move to a new house, which i dont want him in, to stay in, or have any sense of his. just mine and my daughters. can i stop him from entering with a court order? and if he doesnt leave what are my options as i suspect this is the start of worse things in the future. abusers usually get worse ?!

yummymommy1 Tue 23-Oct-12 22:02:14

ps i should also say his ex wife actually changed the locks in order to block him from thier house & it really upset him and thier kids , so he gets reminiscinses of that stuff which i feel he hasnt totally processed. and i get all that crap too !

olgaga Tue 23-Oct-12 22:13:53

I don't understand - he's not on the tenancy, how does he get in? Does he have a key? If so, change the locks, or at the very least add an interior bolt. You don't need a court order to do that, it's your home not his!

Tell him he is not to come to your home again. Next time he turns up call 999 straight away!

In the meantime, telephone the police non-emergency number 101 and ask them what help they can give you. He is abusing you, in your own home, presumably in front of your daughter. Ask to speak to their domestic abuse unit.

Or at the very least call Women's Aid for advice 0808 2000 247

purplewithred Tue 23-Oct-12 22:40:24

'anywhere his daughter lives is also his' is nonsense and he knows it and you know it. I've had your problem though - an ex who used to saunter in when dropping off the kids, make 'jokey' sarcastic comments and rifle through my desk when my back was turned. All very passive aggressive, whereas yours sounds more overtly nasty.

Can you have a friend with you when he comes round, stop him at the door and tell him not to come in? If he gets nasty friend can be witness, moral support and call the police if necessary?

Bogeyface Tue 23-Oct-12 22:43:20

If he is off the tenancy then he has no more right to be there than I do.

Meet him outside the building if you can to collect your dd and if he forces his way in then dont warn him, just call 999.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Tue 23-Oct-12 22:44:13

how does he get in ?

why are you engaging with him ?

next time, call the police, and mean it

call the police every time he makes a nuisance of himself

if he is abusing you in front of your dc, his contact should be away from you, in a contact centre for example

make it can get a non-molestation order but you have to mean business and follow through on your threats

Kundry Tue 23-Oct-12 22:44:25

Did his ex changing the locks really upset their kids - or was it actually his twattish behaviour that upset them?

I think you are so used to walking on eggshells around him and trying to stop him kicking off, that you have forgotten yourself and your rights to your own house. Speak to Women's Aid, get yourself a free half hour with a solicitor so you know your options and next time he's barging in, please call the police.

Bogeyface Tue 23-Oct-12 22:58:34

I am wondering the same as Kundry

Presumably, you only have his word for what happened, but perhaps his ex was in the same situation as you.

Could you contact her?

Bogeyface Tue 23-Oct-12 23:00:20

Happy is right.

If you make threats and dont see them through then he will know that he can do whatever the hell he likes and you will do nothing to stop him. By seeing it through, just a few times, I am sure that he will back off in the way that cowards do.

He is only picking on you because he thinks you are weak, show him you are strong and things will soon change.

pictish Tue 23-Oct-12 23:01:51

I cannot stipulate enough how this guy has zero right to enter your home.
For goodness sake, change the locks and tell him you will call the police. He sounds fucking dangerous tbh.

colditz Tue 23-Oct-12 23:01:51

You can stop him entering full stop. Change the locks, don't answer th door if her bangs on it, and arrange access out of your house.

Anywhere your daughter lives is NOT his, that may be his opinion but it is not backed up by fact or by the law. SHE lives with you. HE does not.

yummymommy1 Wed 24-Oct-12 23:57:18

hi yes things have got worse , he came back drunk tonite and was even worse using dd as a pawn now poorkids confused. and tomorrow i will haveto get police here before he gets back from work.change locks -outer door too as its a flat; luckily first floor,not ground. and i will have freind let us stay her place all day i dont want dd to hear him shouting outside, she has gone thru enuf arleady .will ahve to go away for a bit , he;s an fing n mare .

he has pushed me into a corner and i have no choice. i dont want to go legal but i will have to and yes he is 16 stone, fit strong and totally fearless, oh and also nuts.i cant help thinking he wants this tho.

yummymommy1 Wed 24-Oct-12 23:58:48

cant sleep. too scared ! dont want him to see dd again unless its in a contact centre. what a fckng idiot

TwinkleReturns Thu 25-Oct-12 00:13:36

Right hold onto that last statement. You dont need to go and hide at a friends. If he is shouting the police will deal with him. You need to stop letting the fear take hold of you. He is an ex. He needs to be stood up to.

So you arrange to see a solicitor. Until you have spoken to a solicitor suspend all contact between knobbins and your DC. If he so much as appears down the road phone 999 and tell them that your abusive ex partner has turned up at your property and will cause a breach of peace. they will come along and get rid of him. If he is shouting outside phone the police. If he turns up anywhere phone the police.

Get tough and make it clear that he cant control you anymore. You are a mother and a woman and it is your right to protect your child and yourself. He is not better or stronger or more entitled than you. he is a knobbins and you will not be intimidated by him.

Get to a solicitor and they will go about arranging legal protection for you and DD and arranging supervised contact in a contact centre.

He wants to control and intimidate and clearly thinks you wont do anything to stop him - which is why you need to show him you mean business. You can do it OP, for your little girl and for yourself.

And for the record phoning the police is not an over-reaction. My ex is not local anymore but even if I spied him in tescos Id leave the shop and phone the police to ensure I got home safely - prevention is the best way to deal with men like this.

yummymommy1 Thu 25-Oct-12 02:09:01

yes i kinda agree, but he loves all this and i want out.i dont want to be a sitting duck for him to turn up when he wants .also my dd will get upset evtime she sees him. i agree to some extent, but im also very very tired of social housing and all the crap my nbrs have. i need a fresh start . but yes i wonder if he also wants to push me out of socila housing as its my only secuirty

yummymommy1 Thu 25-Oct-12 02:11:45

ps i have considered a move will see what happens next.he is deviuos intelligent and foraciuosly studies the law online and has also bn thru this with his ex, he threatens freinds and family too, altho only by email at present. he is also pretty nuts

izzyizin Thu 25-Oct-12 02:29:00

You would be a fool of the most gigantic proportions to quit social housing in order to become reliant on private rentals.

Devious your ex may be, but intelligent I very much doubt it as I've yet to meet a drunk who has been, or is, anything other than cunning.

Before he returns to your apartment tomorrow, change your entry door lock and call the police if he doesn't remove himself from the hallway outside your door at your reasonable request.

Think of it as doing him a favour. Each time you call the police on him will provide him with more happy hours voraciously studying the law online. Hopefully, his studies will lead him to conclude he ain't going to win but, if not, don't hesitate to reinforce the message by word and deed that if he reckons he's going to put anything over on you, he's on a hiding to nothing.

After all, the combined wisdom of this board is far greater than anything he'll ever be able to access online and he's long overdue a short sharp shock pertinent lesson in the fact that manners maketh man.

MrsTerryPratchett Thu 25-Oct-12 03:39:01

Have you spoken to the HA? They may have a policy on this.

IMO you don't say you're calling the Police, you don't threaten to call the Police, you call the Police. Calmly, quietly, call the Police.

Anniegetyourgun Thu 25-Oct-12 09:22:08

Studying the law online does not qualify him to make definitive statements about what the law is. We can all do that. I quite often do that. I haven't turned into a solicitor by reading a few articles!

That about where his DD lives is his is just nonsense, for a start. He does not have any rights to do what he is doing but he is quite good at intimidating you into believing he has.

izzyizin Thu 25-Oct-12 14:45:44

How are you doing today, yummy?

Mayisout Thu 25-Oct-12 17:01:59

Surely if you were in private rented housing neighbours would want you out because of drunken trouble-making ex. I wouldn't want to live with a possibly dangerous drunken lout coming round the area at any hour.

yummymommy1 Fri 26-Oct-12 08:45:52

hi izzyizin and all, sori bit of a heavy day so just catching up .everyone came yestdy, police, locksmith, housing officer, childminder ( as witness incase he got aggressive & to distract dd) ..ex came back from work & still had keys, put his bag in lobby area, tried to come in tho burglar lock was on, thank god! locksmith hadnt quite arrived...asked innocently !>? what is gng on, etc can i come in/ say bye to my dd, i was calm just said please leave, 3 times, then, i dont feel safe with u anymore, please go now police are on thier way. so he left. phew.
now locks are changed ( £138 for 20 mins work! ), and im gng away for a few days. feel tired but relieved today and have told neighbour whats happening incase he comes back over w.e. but dont think he will. now he is 'gaslighting' and saying its all me, im gng mad, etc ?! well it wasnt me drunk and ranting,. i found a good tip with an alcoholic; dont drink, then at least one of u is sane and calm. no booze for the winter ! if anything its also made me almost teetotal ! boring but at least i have my feet on the ground :-)

yummymommy1 Fri 26-Oct-12 08:50:06

ps i agree with above about private rental esp as at mo 1. rents going up and 2. housing benefit is harder to get rentals with due to L.H.A. , so am staying, until we get a move to another ha place,hopefully soon. its peace of mind and security, that you only get other wise with buying, and my childminder pays thru the nose for her house, and is having to move now as her rent too high :-(

Anniegetyourgun Fri 26-Oct-12 08:58:50

Gosh, well done for staying calm and getting him away, that must have been scary. Of course it isn't you going mad (the definition of "mad" is not "refusing to do what he tells you"), and you do have every right not to let your ex into your home if you don't want to. Quite right not to want to be driven away from it by a pest, too. It's your home and you should be able to feel safe in it.

Re-reading my earlier post, I realise it was a bit muddled. I meant I am not a solicitor and I don't pretend to be one, but like anyone else I can look up legal stuff on the internet, and the fact your ex does so does not make him an expert. He's just poached some of the terminology and goes along with bluff for the rest.

yummymommy1 Sat 27-Oct-12 19:13:26

hi we are at a relatives now for some respite. started to doubt if i should take lega action but i have to. if he wont respect my suggestions and i dont feel i /dd have safety and privacy, then i have no option. have to create the space i need to live without worry! will be onto womens aid next week to get advice about next stage.

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