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Oh FECK! The hot man, his two exes and me saga.

(11 Posts)
IfImHonest Tue 23-Oct-12 18:16:28

I've posted about my hot man before (he's the one who gets hit on constantly). Bothers me less now. wink

So - we've been seeing each other just less than a year, he is seriously lovely and we are really loved up.

But - and why is love so blind that I didn't run a mile initially - he has two ex-wives. And three children (two with the first). EW1 seems fine - they got married young, and they share their DC 50/50. EW2 - they split 2.5 years ago. I had nothing, and I repeat nothing, to do with their break up. She is still very, very upset and emotional about their break up; constant emails/texts/phone calls. She makes contact with their DD very, very difficult.

I have 2 DCs myself. I don't live with my DP - we decided early on to take this very slowly given the 5 DCs we have between us... wine

Recently EW2 has gotten worse (final stages of divorce) and it has really affected DP - which I completely understand. I have tried to be supportive and loving, and I never ever bitch about her or do anything other than be there for him when she cancels an arrangement.

BUT - and here's the rub; I can't really see where this is all going at the moment. I love him. He is a fantastic father and a really great other half to me. But there's no way on earth we can move forward in our relationship, i.e. move in together or anything else, while things are this crazy still. I can't expose my DCs to the constant battles which he has to have. In fact, we live in the present either, for example, we can't ever even arrange a weekend together because he is never quite sure if EW2 is going to go off on one and then decide that DD needs to see him (which happens a lot).

It really pains me for him too, because he wants our relationship to work, but he never really has time for it, or if he does it is constantly thrown by an email from EW2 spouting off about something. The other night we had a rare night on our own and he basically didn't sleep because he'd received a really nasty email saying that he wasn't seeing his daughter ever again (which she always retracts from, but it is hard).

I have no idea what to do. You;re going to tell me that I shouldn't have gotten involved, right? I love him, and he constantly tells me that I am his rock.

ninah Tue 23-Oct-12 18:21:27

well she's not his EW yet is she? he's still married
would avoid separated men for exactly this issue
I'd back off and lead your life op until he's actually free (mentally and emotionally as well as legally)

IfImHonest Tue 23-Oct-12 18:26:36

You are right. To be fair, when we did get involved, she was in a much better place. The reality of divorce has hit her hard. You are right though - but how can I do it without making him feel like his 'rock' has turned into a jelly and has left him at one of his lowest points?

OldLadyKnowsNothing Tue 23-Oct-12 18:29:00

Bit too late to tell you not to get involved! grin

Hmm. Look at this longterm.

How old is the youngest of his DC? How long before she hits the teen years and wants to spend weekend time with her pals? How long before she leaves home for Uni/work/whatever? Can you last that long as you are, just meandering along?

If so, there is actually a great long screed of your life when your dc are grown and you're not totally decrepit, perhaps that's when you can ramp things up with Mr Hottie?

But if you think it's all just too complicated and you'd rather look elsewhere, that's fair enough.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Tue 23-Oct-12 18:29:38

Ah, x post, you want out?

ninah Tue 23-Oct-12 18:31:55

oh goodness don't be his 'rock' that's classic rebound territory
I do sympathise op, was in similar situation (man less than hot, which made situation much clearer!)
I didn't say leave him. I just said make your own life a priority. Don't be a shoulder to cry on.

JustFabulous Tue 23-Oct-12 18:35:28

I am sympathetic but you didn't love him instantly so you can't blame sticking with it because of being blinded by love unless everything was perfect and then the ex wife, separated wife and children were thrown in the mix.

His children has to come before you, just as your children have to come before him but you are both allowed to have a life as people too.

If his separated wife is causing problems so you can't see each other why does she even know when you have arranged to meet up and why isn't access set in a routine so that everyone knows where they are? If she is threatening to stop contact then he needs to see a solicitor as the child is just as much his as hers. I really hate women who use their child as a way of hurting their ex.

WhoNickedMyName Tue 23-Oct-12 18:38:15

It must be exhausting being involved with such a woman magnet, who can barely find time to spend with you, and when he does he's constantly fending off random women who approach him out of nowhere with no encouragement and drape themselves over him, and now an obsessed ex.

Makes you wonder why he's got two failed marriages behind him - although one not quite.

And you're not even a year in?

I just couldn't be arsed.

Looksgoodingravy Tue 23-Oct-12 18:52:46

Why is EW2 so bitter with regards to access to his dd, surely this is awful for the poor child involved, she mustn't know whether she's coming or going.

There are always two sides to every story, is EW2 still in love with 'hot man'? Does she think you were the cause of them splitting up?

HissyByName Tue 23-Oct-12 19:28:01

Your problem is HIM actually, not the STBXW.

In fact, we live in the present either, for example, we can't ever even arrange a weekend together because he is never quite sure if EW2 is going to go off on one and then decide that DD needs to see him - which happens a lot

If he has agreed a date to see his DD, that is that. So if he suddenly decided HE needed to see his DD, would the DW drop everything? Would he suddenly call the DW on HIS weekend/time with DD to give the girl over to her Mum?

I'm guessing NOT.

So if he has plans to see her all well and good, if he is not available, he has the right to say so. He needs to set some boundaries. They need to agree visitation, and keep to it.

It really pains me for him too, because he wants our relationship to work, but he never really has time for it, or if he does it is constantly thrown by an email from EW2 spouting off about something. The other night we had a rare night on our own and he basically didn't sleep because he'd received a really nasty email saying that he wasn't seeing his daughter ever again - which she always retracts from, but it is hard.

He's going through a divorce, so the residency, contact agreements will either BE in place, or will soon be finalised. He can take her to court for access.

He has rights, she is abusing their daughter to get back at him. THAT'S what you tell him. He also needs to switch off his emails when he is OFF duty.

He needs legal advice, you need to work out if you want to put up with all this shit for now.

IMHO He's leaning on you too heavily, while not actually doing much to defend himself.

JoylessFucker Tue 23-Oct-12 20:18:27

OP, what Hissy said ... with knobs on. Seriously ...

I had one like this, only he wasn't as hot as he thought ...

I was his rock, I thought he was mine. Then when the ex-wife said "let's try again" he was off like a shot. I'd thought he was a nice guy who was putting his kids first, but he was actually a weak one who didn't ... unless it was something the ex-wife told him to do. Whatever you do, don't be drawn into their drama and yes, he will almost certainly be loving the battle of two women thing ... his ego will be just lapping it up. Step away, make him decide, if he doesn't put down some boundaries so you can have some form of normality, then you're not enough of a priority for him. We all require that our men put their children first, but it would be madness to accept them putting the ex-wife ahead of us too.

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