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I can't stop thinking about it all the time

(6 Posts)
whereismytoenail Tue 23-Oct-12 16:18:25

I stopped talking to my Dad a year ago, it had been a long time coming...

all my life he has been nasty and abusive, he was verbally and mentally abusive to me and on a few occasions physically,he was violent towards my mum for years i often witnessed it, he is still mentally and verbally abusive towards her now , she insists he has not hit her for years.

A few years ago my brother (we have different dads ) broke down one night after we had been drinking together and told me my dad had physically abused him for years as a child, he went into detail of the really nasty twisted things he did to him.He then went on to blame me saying i did nothing to stop the abuse and he was always furious that i was treated better than him, this devastated me to hear, not only to the extent of my brothers abuse but that he could blame me for what had happend to him, i am 9 years younger than my DB so i was a small child while these things were going on, as soon as my DB was old enough he moved out .

We have talked recently and he apologised and said of course he didnt blame me he just said it in the heat of the moment, he told me he has had years of councelling but will never completly get over it , he also told me that our mum is just as bad as my dad , that she never stuck up for us as kids and if my DB spoke up about what was happening to him she called him a liar.

I recently had a big argument with my mum about the past, i have DCs of my own now and would do ANYTHING to protect them, she said he would kill her if she ever left, i asked about my DBs abuse and she said he s a liar/she s blocked it out or cant remember

i understand that its very hard to leave an abusive partner but i feel like she didnt even try for us

how can i move on from this and be happy ? its in my head day and night about my DB i feel guilty , so very guilty

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 23-Oct-12 16:28:58

I think the first way you move on is to accept that your mother is as flawed and damaged a person as your father, that they've let you and your DB down invidually and collectively and that you can't change either them or the past. The religious call it 'forgiveness'. The second way you move on is to live well. Treat your own DCs as you would have liked to be treated, have your own high standards and learn from your experiences. Support your DB but do understand that even siblings that grow up in perfectly happy homes can go on to be resentful believing that each other got special treatment. You never were and are still not responsible for your DB's life - your parents had that job - so be outraged on his behalf but place the blame where it genuinely lies.

MouMouCow Tue 23-Oct-12 16:35:55

Op, I feel very sorry for you, this is quite a past to carry around and I can empathise with spending all your time tortured by thoughts and remorse, but for your own sanity, and this is by no means an easy feat, if you can find it in yourself to forgive your DM for her shortcomings or her weaknesses, this is I believe the path to accepting (emotionally) what has happended and I think this is a way to make peace with the past and let it be.
You can't change it, you can only make it up to you. A read recently that there's a chinese proverb that goes something along the lines of if you pursue vengence, you better dig two graves. And even though vengence is not really the topic here I think what it means is that you damage yourself and the quality of your life if you look for justice that you can't claim back. Maybe your DM could have done the honorable thing of admitting failing but she'd rather black it out which is a common way of dealing with aspects we're not proud of, to fall in denial.
But perhaps recognise that the best thing you can do for yourself and for your brother and your children is to heal your heart by accepting who they are and what they have done (or not). I wish you good luck.

digerd Tue 23-Oct-12 16:43:00

You were 9 nine years younger than your brother, and you shouldn't feel guilty about your parents abuse of him. Your mother, stuck her head in the sand as she was abused by your father too, but not excusing her.

It would be worrying for me to ever leave your DCs alone with your parents. I feel so sorry for your brother and he did apologise for blaming you, as was said in the heat of the moment, and you couldn't have done anything.

Dahlen Tue 23-Oct-12 16:44:52

Part of abuse is deflecting blame and responsibility. It's really not at all surprising that your DB blamed you. He was taught by past masters. sad Subconsciously he knew he would never get the answers he needed from his parents and chose to target you instead knowing that you'd show all those emotions he needed from them - hurt, sorrow, remorse. Counselling has probably helped him to realise how that process works, hence the apology. I'd take it at face value.

I think Cogito is right. Forgiveness is the key to this and it doesn't mean accepting that what they did was ok, because it wasn't. It just means accepting that they are who they are and can't or won't change.

If they were capable of remorse and change, they would not have treated you the way they did in the first place. Wanting them to change or apologise or even explain themselves is like wanting the wind to stop blowing in a hurricane. It is futile and the best revenge is a life well lived.

Hope you find peace.

whereismytoenail Tue 23-Oct-12 17:06:58

Thankyou so much for the replies

i have tried very hard to do well for myself and prove to myself im not the stupid/idiotic, usless person my Dad drummed into my head i was

i have decided to not ask my Mum about the past anymore i dont think im ever going to get her to open up about it or tell me anything i want to hear,

I dont go to my parents house anymore and neither do my DCs , this year i have felt so much happier not speaking to my Dad , i dont have to worry about what sort of mood he will be in when i see him , i feel like a weight has been lifted.

I dont speak to my DB very often, he said he finds it very painful to talk to me and gets wound up when he does as it brings it all back, i hope one day in the future we can have a relationship, ill wait until he feels ready.

I might look into some counselling for myself and maybe get some closure from my past

at the moment i dont feel i can forgive but im hoping one day i will

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