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How to end a relationship with a very nice man who treats you well.

(11 Posts)
HowDoIDoThis45 Tue 23-Oct-12 14:58:33

I'm a single parent seeing a man who is decent, kind, clever, generous, quite attractive. He does have all the qualities I value.

It's not that my heart doesn't 'leap out of my chest' when I see him, it's more that I realise that although he's a really good guy the connection between us isn't that deep. It's warm but not deep.

It's been a year of very pleasant dates, going out for dinner, theatre occasionally, cinema, a couple of trips away. It's been nice having somebody to text. And none of it's been a chore, but it's like even though it wasn't a 100% right, to begin with the newness and me trusting him made that not matter. It was exciting just putting a foot into the dating ocean.

He has put no pressure on me to step things up a notch though. in fact he made it clear early on he doesn't see himself getting married or even living with somebody again. And that didn't bother me to begin with because I couldn't see myself wanting that with him, but I do want those things - and I wont' find them if I'm treading water in an easy going, unthreatening kind of way with him.

He has three teenagers and I have one smaller child and I haven't met his children and he hasn't met mine and that seemed fine up until a year passed and now I think, we are just slotting each other in like a trip to the gym.

So, what do I say to him that is sensitive? his xw dumped him and I feel slightly bad that the very first relationship he's had since he's getting dumped again.

If he was mean or disrespectful it would be easier.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 23-Oct-12 15:05:57

You're a nice man but we want different things/can't see it going anywhere/not doing it for me so best to call it a day?.....

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 23-Oct-12 15:11:52

Or .... I see you more as a friend. <winces>

HowDoIDoThis45 Tue 23-Oct-12 15:15:28

My first reaction was 'that's not enough, i need more justification' but i realise this may be a hang up from previous relationship, where my x acted like i needed reason that was acceptable to him to end things. I know this guy is not going to cross examine me. I know he will accept that it's over if I say it is. I just want to be as unhurtful as possible.

VeritableSmorgasbord Tue 23-Oct-12 15:23:47

Do you definitely want to end it, or do you want it to go further?
He might be a very passive person. In which case, ending it might be the right thing. On the other hand, a nice guy isn't easy to find, and he might be worth a bit more time to see if it's going to work yet.
I'm not suggesting you 'settle' I just mean that from what you've said, he doesn't seem to be a dead loss.

OneMoreGo Tue 23-Oct-12 15:52:13

If you really are sure he is not right for you, then just tell him it's not working for you and there is something missing but that you think he is amazing and he hasn't done anything 'wrong' as such, he just isn't right for you. Don't give him room to persuade you because that's not what you want - you want to be free to meet someone with whom it IS 100% right. And that's okay! And do it face to face or failing that by phone. Good luck. Remember that you are freeing him up to meet someone who is crazy about him as well so he will benefit long-term even if he is sad in the meantime.

Dahlen Tue 23-Oct-12 16:08:45

I think everything you said in your OP is more than enough justification. It's clear you like and respect him but that the vital ingredient for a more serious, long-term relationship is missing. If I was on the receiving end of being dumped with the reasoning you've given in your OP, I'd be ok about it even if disappointed.

ImperialBlether Tue 23-Oct-12 16:36:52

It's not as though he's pushing for a deeper relationship, is it? How upset can he be? He's deliberately kept you in a separate box to his family and he's told you plainly that he doesn't want to live with anyone. I'd tell him you're at the point where you want to look for a deeper relationship than that and that you wish him every luck etc etc.

DappyHays Tue 23-Oct-12 16:40:46

"It has been fun, but now is the time for me to move on as I'm looking for something more meaningful --ideally a better word than meaningful--"

DappyHays Tue 23-Oct-12 16:41:08

whoops score out fail

IfImHonest Tue 23-Oct-12 17:56:51

How about telling him that you want to find someone that you can move to the next stage with?

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