Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Do I move job?

(13 Posts)
Couragedoesntroar Tue 23-Oct-12 12:07:29

I need your advice MNers and this is more about relationships than it appears. I need to decide whether to move job. I?ll try and give enough information without giving myself away in RL.

Job 1 - I have been qualified in my profession for 9 years and in my current, part-time and wonderfully local job for 8 years. I love the work & colleagues but the organisation is increasingly poor and morale (including mine) is dropping sharply. I am concerned that the quality of what I do is beginning to decline. I am at the top of my grade and there is unlikely to be a higher one in this organisation. As a counter balance, I am starting a business in what I do and although it is slow off the ground it may make me feel professionally expansive. I could even drop a day in my current job. I love the town in which I live (relocating isn?t an option) and I can pick up the DCs (7&8) easily and be there quickly if one is ill. I work with two dear friends and one is leaving at Xmas. I am on my own following the split from STBXH a year ago and an added complication at work is that the man who was my exit affair is still there (he did not want a relationship) and that's not comfortable. Obviously even if I applied, I could not be sure I'd get it either.

Job 2 - is a better organisation and a better grade. I like the area of specialty of the job (although I'm also scared of its heavy emotional toll). I went to meet the department and really liked the person who?d be my equivalent. It is a full time post but they are interested in my offer of applying part-time (3 days). If it was just the job in the decision I?d be there. However, it is 50 miles away so a 1hr20min commute, which I haven?t done the likes of for a long time. The initial increase in pay would be eaten up in petrol and childcare, although it would continue to rise a bit after that. My days would be longer and kids would need two after school club days as well as the night with their dad. I?d be further away if they were poorly & I?m never sure where their dad is in the world although he is based locally. My own dad is available on some days as are friends and neighbours. I would no longer share the office with my dear friend and would feel some wrench knowing it?d be unlikely a job would arise back in the locality. But I wouldn?t be working with OM either.

I DO NOT know what to do and I can?t sleep! Any thoughts?

TiAAAAARGHo Tue 23-Oct-12 20:41:35

Bumping for you. To be honest, although job 2 has good prospects, your description for job 1 comes across more positively.

Couragedoesntroar Tue 23-Oct-12 22:01:31

Thanks for the bump TiA. It's interesting to hear that Job 1 comes across more positively. It's true there'd be an awful lot to lose. But that would include a poor organisation and, d'oh, an unavailable man for whom I can't shake my feelings. I can't tell if I've forgotten how tiring a commute is.

My niggling question is: is a 1hr10 or 1hr20 commute too (i) exhausting esp in middle of divorce proceedings or (ii) unfair on DCs aged 7&8.

tribpot Tue 23-Oct-12 22:05:40

Is 1hr 20 a realistic estimate of the commute? Depending on where you are that could be a rather optimistic estimate for a 50 mile journey.

100 mile round trip per day sounds extremely tiring, although you'd be doing this 3 days per week, not 5?

How much are you being influenced by your feelings for this bloke? What you want to do if he were to leave, for example?

Couragedoesntroar Tue 23-Oct-12 22:19:54

tri it does sound tiring doesn't it and I don't want to end up being less of a mummy as a result. I think that length is roughly realistic, but being stuck in traffic away from DCs would be stressful. I could move to a nice town nearby, but I'd lose the wonderful community we have which is so important as a single parent.

I think I would still be considering the career move anyway, but I'd be lying if being away from him wasn't appealing. I long to heal properly, but I am healing nonetheless, just slowly, but divorce is slow anyway I gather so I guess I'd be sore still anyway after a year.

Couragedoesntroar Tue 23-Oct-12 22:29:06

It worries me that my job's always been important to me but I'm starting not to care as much. Maybe that's worth it for convenience or maybe that will get more harmful as time goes on.

Mumsyblouse Tue 23-Oct-12 22:41:45

That's a heck of a commute, I am on my own a lot in the week, I commute about 45 min there and back so 1.30 hours a day and I find that a bit relentless, to be honest. I have also been caught out with childcare problems, sickness problems, it all makes it very difficult. I suppose three days a week would be ok, but you would need cast iron childcare on those days, including if a child needed picking up from school if ill, or just the usual viruses/vomiting bugs etc- is there definitely someone who could take them?

I don't want to sound discouraging, and I am very much someone who loves their career, but I have struggled recently with juggling everything, and I dont' think the commute helps one bit when you are tired and exhausted. Three days, excellent cover, fine: full time, or with patchy childcare provision, I would find that too stressful (I do full time but have help if they are ill and even then, it's a strain),

tribpot Tue 23-Oct-12 22:43:09

It doesn't sound fantastically healthy to be caring less about your job - particularly as your dc are reaching an age when they are a little more self-sufficient and you might expect to have some headroom to re-focus after the early years.

Are there any less extreme things you could try in order to get your work mojo back? Any secondment opportunities or new projects, or something to shake things up a bit? Equally could you put serious effort into getting your business off the ground, or even just have a month off to try and get some space and peace?

On the other hand, your job has been important to you - but it was well within your comfort zone, both physically and mentally. And there's nothing wrong with that at all - but I wonder if you've really challenged your own perception that the work was important to you?

It does sound like you need a shake-up for what it's worth. I'm wondering why you'd consider a move out of your (assumed) target market for your business if that's something you really want to set up?

Couragedoesntroar Tue 23-Oct-12 22:46:44

Thanks for the first hand view mumsy. That does sound stressful at times and it's a shorter commute. I may take the ease of practicalities for granted at the moment. I thought about applying for two days a week, but I don't know if the post would be doable on that.

I wonder if I'd be applying for it if I was still married. Probably not - I wasn't so aware of limited finances (altho we're ok) nor status if I'm honest.

izzyizin Tue 23-Oct-12 23:08:02

You are considering giving up the work and colleagues you love in your conveniently local job by applying for a post which will involve a 100 mile round trip commute because of a man? shock That'll give you 3 hours a day or so to moon over him during the tedium of what will become an all too familiar journey.

Get over the 'exit' affair you should never have had with a colleague, stay in your current employment or find an alternative locally until your dc are old enough to care for themselves in your absence, and grow your business.

Couragedoesntroar Tue 23-Oct-12 23:12:44

It isn't just the man Izzy, my career is in the doldrums (like lots of mummy's) and colleagues whom I love are getting low. But maybe that commute is insane.

BikeRunSki Wed 24-Oct-12 07:52:33

A long commute is an absolute bugger. Can I say that? I would give anythi g to have a "wonderfully local" job. Commutes eat into family time, make for stressful mornings and crazy bed times and I worry all day about delays on the way home. Ans it's exhausting and expensive.

Couragedoesntroar Wed 24-Oct-12 08:04:59

Thanks bike it's easy to take for granted, I know I'm lucky, it's good to be reminded. I used to do a once a month (yes that's all!) 200mile commute for work and found that tiring and worrying when traffic slowed up if I couldn't get home.

I guess it'd be possible to pull my career back out of the doldrums in a few years when my DCs are bigger as long as I keep developing my cv. I wish this job was nearer!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now