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Husband been to lapdancing clubs

(149 Posts)
Lovetoshop1 Tue 23-Oct-12 11:36:30

Can I get some honest opinions please on the above topic. Very happily married lady children grown! wonderful husband etc etc. husband told me recently that he has visited lapdancing clubs three times in last few years whilst on work nights out entertaining clients etc and had a private dance each time! I am totally gutted, he is so so sorry for hurt caused he couldn't be trying harder to make me feel better I am under no doubt that he loves me and is so sorry and says no matter what he will never frequent again. I have needed to know every detail (is this normal). he was offered by the dancers to touch them on two of the occasions for extra money but didn't he says it was all very sleazy and over in a couple of minutes. We are so happy otherwise but this horrible feeling in my stomach won't go away, I am not worried he'll do it again but the past is haunting me. Any opinions or advice on how to put this behind me greatly appreciated.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Tue 23-Oct-12 11:39:08

Hello there, I am very sorry this happened to you.

Can I suggest you report your thread and ask to have it moved to the Relationships topic. AIBU is not a great place to get support with this, in my experience.

There is an active thread in there right now, on just this subject, that you may wish to read too.

LoveYouForeverMyBaby Tue 23-Oct-12 11:40:48

For me oh going to a strip club on a stag do etc is one thing, having a private lap dance and on more than one occasion is quite another. Yanbu to be upset.

MakeItALarge Tue 23-Oct-12 11:44:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PosieParker Tue 23-Oct-12 11:48:33

I would be pretty disgusted on many levels and this would be a deal breaker for me.

1. That he thinks entertaining clients including watching young women take their clothes off.
2. That he thinks it's okay to pay someone to remove their clothes.
3. That he has so little respect for women that he feels their bodies can be paid for.
4. That these women are very young.
5. That he'd lied
6. That he desired to have a woman privately strip.

I would be asking my husband to leave, but then I am a feminist and this is a very big issue for me.

mrsfuzzy Tue 23-Oct-12 11:49:23

this horrible for you, but at least you know the reasons and he has been upfront about it, talk about it if you feel the need to and try to move on with your otherwise happy marriage, not worth breaking up over given the circumstances, he might well have been embarrassed by the whole thing, but didn't want to seem to be a kill joy.

SquishyCinnamonSwirls Tue 23-Oct-12 11:50:06

Why did he decide to tell you now?

PosieParker Tue 23-Oct-12 11:51:41

You are married to an adult aren't you OP? Only I wonder why people are talking about peer pressure.

Slatternismymiddlename Tue 23-Oct-12 11:53:57

Sorry this has happened. I wouldn't be at all impressed with my DH but if he is truly sorry, it will not happen again and all other aspects of your marriage are good, I would be inclined to try and put it behind you. I know this is easier said than done but be realistic about your alternatives. Do you want to split up? Go with your gut instinct.

mrsfuzzy Tue 23-Oct-12 11:54:34

posie you are right on alot of points but men do daft things like this, doesn't mean that we put up with it though, but the feministangle 'all men are the enemy' doesn't really hold alot of sway with most women nowadays as show in a recent report that over half of mothers don't talk about their daughters about feminist issues, i respect your views entirely but i wouldn't break my marriage up for it, i'm no door mat but there are other ways of dealing with this, than showing someone the door because they made a very upsetting mistake.

ABatInBunkFive Tue 23-Oct-12 11:56:14

why did he tell you?

Lovetoshop1 Tue 23-Oct-12 11:57:54

Thank you for your honest replies, he told me he said because we are closer than ever in our marriage and he just felt that he had this one thing between us, he had been dropping hints ( I am so stupid I didn't pick up on them because I would trust him above anyone in the world) he said he did not want to hurt me by telling me but he felt I deserved the truth he also says it has opened his eyes big time about how wrong it was and he was just going with the crowd.! In a way it has brought us closer because of the talking we have done but this horrible image is in my mind and it won't go away sad

ScaryFakeNails Tue 23-Oct-12 11:58:23

Personally I wouldn't see this as a massive issue and certainly not a deal breaker.

The thing I would be most displeased about is that you didn't know at the time, it happened repeatedly and even though its something he thinks might cause friction in your relationship, instead of choosing to discuss it he kept it secret. I would feel cross that there was an element of deceit. I would also be quite intrigued as to why it has all been revealed now.

I think whilst you said you aren't worried he will do it again, there might be an element of you that recognises while you had no idea about the previous incidents, it could happen again and you would have no idea?

Private dances would probably piss me off to, I know DH has been to these type of places. I've been myself, I can see how there are different kinds of circumstances where private dances occur, but I think that is something I would take time to come to terms with.

Maybe to get back on track you need to spend some quality time together? Perhaps a weekend away? Try to re-connect, re-establish intimacy and trust?

PosieParker Tue 23-Oct-12 12:03:12

Sorry? Feminist 'all men are the enemy' angle? Where does it say that?

Mores the pity more women don't talk to their children about feminist issues, we may live in a nicer and safer world.

As a self identified feminist my husband knows how I feel about lap dancing and he's no room to pretend anything else. Besides the years of constant campaigning have assisted in changing his view, and we have one daughter and three sons.

OP your DH has a lot of work to do to regain your trust, I don't expect you to be a resolved in your opinions as I am. He has betrayed you and possibly shown a side of him that you didn't know existed.

PosieParker Tue 23-Oct-12 12:04:04

as resolved

Lovetoshop1 Tue 23-Oct-12 12:08:46

Hi there all the opinions are valid I'm sure. I have daughters and it sickens me and when I pointed this out to him he ended up in tears and I know felt deeply ashamed. I find the fact that men pay for this just totally disrespectful but most of all so damn hurtful to me. I love my man and never ever in a million years would of expected this , if he had gone in to the place bad enough but private dances!!!! He did not pay himself it came out of "funds" but he had to hand over the cash so no excuses I suppose.

WilsonFrickett Tue 23-Oct-12 12:08:56

Men who use sex workers are 'my enemy' Mrs Fuzzy I have no problem with saying that out loud, my DH knows it too and this would be a dealbreaker for me.

However we are already starting to derail, OP, I think you should have this moved to relationships.

HeadlessForHalloween Tue 23-Oct-12 12:12:12

I totally agree with PosieParker.

HeadlessForHalloween Tue 23-Oct-12 12:13:13

And yes, men who see women as commodities to be bought are the enemy.

Fortunately that's not all men!

JoanBias Tue 23-Oct-12 12:13:24

Ugh. Why is he paying for private dances? Going along with the boys is one thing, but private dances are never compulsory.

mrsfuzzy Tue 23-Oct-12 13:04:54

posie, inever refered to anyone saying that 'men are the enemy' but some women always seem to have an axe to grind with the male species for one reason or another , be it a real or precieved slight. i don't have any time for prositutes either [hate the expression sex workers call them for what they are] but it is a sad fact of life and men do use themand have done since time began, but who is using who, these women and girls are making money out of their punters married men or other wise.menwho use them leave a lot to be desired too. yes, actually i have two daughters and four sons they have been brought up to be respectful and courteous to both genders, i do not drum the feminist thing with them as i prefer to lead by example of being a strong person who perfers to work in the partnership of a happy marriage, alot of it comes down to how boys are raised to respect women in every sense, until every male born is taught to do that females in many parts of the world will still be mistreated and abused. sorry op,getting back to you i'm sure you will work through this and come out stronger as a result, clear out the rubbish, get your lives back on track and don't speak of it again,less it will haunt you in the future, if and only if it happened again would i personally reconsider the marriage. good luck with it all.

WileyRoadRunner Tue 23-Oct-12 13:09:52

I would rather my husband had done this than go to a meat market nightclub.

It isn't the end of the world and needn't destroy your marriage.

YANBU to be upset though, I think it would be strange if you were not.

RosemaryHoyt Tue 23-Oct-12 13:11:51

I will be very honest. I am single, but if I were attached and my partner did that, I would feel like he didn't find me very pretty/sexy, like I wasn't enough for him. Which is silly actually. I don't think many men think that far, it's more impulsive than that.

I wouldn't want him to stop going because it was upsetting for me. I'd want him to stop going because he didn't want to. Which is clearly not the same and something out f my control.

Don't think it is a leaving offence though.

Lovetoshop1 Tue 23-Oct-12 13:26:19

Thank you for taking the time to reply everybody, rosemaryhoyt you've hit a nerve with me that's how I feel unattractive. In reality I am a 44 year old not in too bad shape with the assets that most men seem to find appealing if you see what I'm saying. My DH says I am attractive and it was in the first instance being dragged in the place by the crowd and he would never dream of going off his own back, he's admitted he was immature and stupid but I've asked the full Gorey details because I think I was imagining more had gone on than actually had. He is so so remorseful I truly know that but I am finding it so difficult to Imagain a woman stripping for him and sat on his lap doing what they do, I feel a bit stupid to that I had not known all this time. It has mad me very sad but also very close to DH as we talk so much and are so happy in every other way. I feel like this will always be with me.

RosemaryHoyt Tue 23-Oct-12 13:45:02

It may become less significant over time, surely it's all raw ATM. I think many men find it easier to compartmentalise their views about women. As in, his feelings for you are not diluted by what he did. But I know I would struggle to empathise with this view. The age thing is a bugger, it's the one thing you can't compete with I suppose. I feel like, I could diet, change what I wear etc. but can never get younger so would ridiculously feel like being forced into competing on an uneven playing field.

Thing is, that competition would exist only in my own head. My hypothetical partner would probably not be drawing comparisons, but considers stripping an entirely separate entity from marriage.

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