Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

So i've fallen in love with a woman, but I don't know what to do.

(15 Posts)
amibi Tue 23-Oct-12 08:57:59

Morning all

It's been a while since I was last on here. Hope everyone is well.

So the last time I came on here I was spending a lot of time on the Turning Tavern thread, which really help me understand my feelings.

My dp of 9 years said that he was fine to explore my feelings and so..........I did. I met a woman who I was expecting to just be physically attracted to and the fact that we got on really well was just a bonus. Anyway, after a while it became clear that we didn't just get on well, we were developing strong feelings for one another.

The first time she kissed me, my legs and arms went numb. It was amazing and i've never had a kiss like it. I have kissed women before, but it was nothing like this. The first time we had sex, it was just incredible. I can't actually put in into words. I know she feels the same and has actually recently left her boyfriend. She wants us to be together and so do I, but obviously it's so complicated.

DP knows that I have feelings for this woman and is clinging onto me, literally sometimes! I feel so bad for him and I know this is just not fair on him atall. Meeting this woman though has made me realise that I've never been in love before. What I feel for her, i've never felt for anyone else. Like I say, I can't really describe it, but it's just out off the chart. I'm completely head over heels.

The most complicated bit is obviously my DD. She's 5 and she loves her daddy so much. It would be so difficult for her mummy and daddy to break up, but for mummy to be with another woman............i'm not sure how she would take it. The other big problem, is that I have very old fashioned parents. You could say boarderline homophobic and I know they wouldn't understand. They would think it's just something I should snap out of and stay with her dad even if I'm not in love anymore. They're very much part of my life because we actually are living with them right now, so it's not like I can just hide this for a while. So basically it's all a bit messed up.

Can anyone give me some advice? I'd really appreciate it. I feel so lost. I love my dp and I always will, but i'm completely in love with this woman. It's a love which I didn't even know existed.

Thanks for reading.

SundaysGirl Tue 23-Oct-12 09:20:16

Hi Amibi

I remember when you posted a little while ago about thinking of exploring your sexuality with your husbands knowledge.

That was only a couple of months ago so right now I'd be advising to really take some time out. Right now it's in infatuation stage but it's really far too soon to decide whether this woman is right for you for a long term relationship.

I would give this same advice whether it was another man or another woman. Two months is too soon to be considering bringing a new person into yours and your daughters life in such a serious way.

Also this is your first encounter with a woman and you may still need time to figure out your sexuality. Do you consider yourself to be bisexual still or perhaps now do you think actually you are a lesbian and always going to want relationships with women?

I do really feel for your husband, this is always a danger when people involve another person, and the lust and infatuation at a new interaction can feel incredibly powerful. Perhaps it would be a good idea to take some time to decide if you really want to stay in your marriage first before deciding upon a new relationship?

It would be a huge change to leave your husband, come out as bisexual / gay and then proceed with a serious relationship with a woman you have only known for two months, and it sounds like you are rushing into things a little bit?

Salbertina Tue 23-Oct-12 09:31:27

Personally think its utterly irrelevant that other person is a woman other than the huge fact that yr dh only sanctioned it because it wasn't a man, naive bugger!

You're in the infatuation phase of crazy thinking and risk chucking in a good enough marriage and yr dds stability. Think v v carefully about what you're doing.

amibi Tue 23-Oct-12 09:36:59

No I agree, it's way too fast. If I had read this about someone else i'd be saying don't be ridiculous! It's just an infatuation, get over it and get back to reality. This isn't like me atall. I'm actually a very logical person and i'm usually very realistic.

We're not married and i've said that actually it isn't a good enough relationship atall. We're not right for each other, but I guess I felt like I could just accept not being in love to keep DD happy. The problem is, i've been incredibly unhappy recently and since meeting her, even with all the confusion and complication, I feel happy and like me again.

Oh I just don't know.

AnEerieAirOfHorror Tue 23-Oct-12 09:39:43

what did you expect to happen? hmm

To have sex with someone you didnt like?

How would it be different if your oh wasnt there?

Do you think this women would make a good step mum to your dd?

PosieParker Tue 23-Oct-12 09:39:51

Can you still respect your partner now you've had an affair? I would doubt it. I think whatever happens you probably need to end your relationship so that your partner can meet someone else.

AnEerieAirOfHorror Tue 23-Oct-12 09:46:43

So your distancing yourself from him to give you promision to have an affair with the women?

How would u feel if he had sex with other women as well?

An open relationship?

SundaysGirl Tue 23-Oct-12 09:47:27

Oh sorry my mistake about your partner. Well do you think the best course of action might be to split properly with him? He must be miserable with the fear of it happening anyway and thinking of you getting infatuated with someone else and you don't really love him. So maybe sort that part out first?

AnEerieAirOfHorror Tue 23-Oct-12 09:52:43

If you split with partner you dont have to introduce your new girlfriend for 6 months or a year.

How do you feel about your partner having a new partner and tgem being a happy family with your dd every other weekend?

Or your dd choiceing to live with her Dad when she is older?

piratecat Tue 23-Oct-12 09:54:10

take away the woman/man fact firstly. thought i do understand that it has been complicated for you.

it's wrong to be with your dp if you don't want him anymore, you need to let him go. you can't stay with someone you don't want to be with.

MyDonkeysAZombie Tue 23-Oct-12 09:56:33

Hello don't know your back story but from your OP I would say:

Your DP gave you permission to explore, he must have known there was a risk you would meet someone you'd be strongly attracted to. If you have been honest he should have some idea that your own relationship was in danger of breaking down. Maybe he thought you'd always come back.

Your DD is 5, I think whether you and her dad split up because you met a man or a woman, her immediate concern would be the same, where is everyone that she's used to seeing, how secure does she feel. I may be wrong but I don't think the gender issue itself at 5 will bother her.

Your parents are adults, they may not accept your new relationship, but that is their right. If you and DP and DD are living there your new relationship may mean your parents object and will want you or all 3 of you to move out. Borderline homophobic suggests they won't take the news well but how close are you normally, perhaps they will be shocked but ultimately supportive?

I don't know how long you've known your new partner, did she tell you she gave up her boyfriend because of you? Is this her first time with a woman too? If it is all new and exciting I would urge you to be cautious, perhaps take this in stages. Your first step would be to sort things with your old DP. I would urge this whether you were in love with a new man or a woman. Your DD deserves her parents to keep things steady for her, I don't mean stay still and deny yourself but reassure her and make sure she feels loved and safe.

MyDonkeysAZombie Tue 23-Oct-12 09:58:22

Sorry OP slow typing and x post with helpful concise advice.

amibi Tue 23-Oct-12 10:22:39

Thank you everyone. I really appreciate your advice. I understand and agree with most of what's been said.

Donkey I think if he's being honest he didn't really think it was going to happen. When I told him we had had sex for the first time, he just stood there in shock and I felt like the worst person in the world. I asked him so many times if he was sure and he was practically pushing me into bed with her. Everytime we saw a woman he thought i might like, he would say things like 'maybe you should go get her number', but he was serious. He knew I wasn't doing this to titilate him or excite him and he understood that. So when he was hurt when I told him we'd been together, I just couldn't understand. Of course I can understand why he's now hurt because yes, I have developed feelings for her.

There's part of me that hates myself for this. Even though I was essentially given the green light, maybe I should have never gone through with it. But then on the other hand, I woud never have found such an amazing person.

I don't feel gay, I don't even really feel 'more' bi, I just feel like i've falled in love with someone else and actually, gender is irrelevant. I don't feel more attracted to women now than I do men. I don't feel any more clear on my sexuality, all I know is that I love her in a way which i've never loved anyone. I know how soppy that sounds and it's just not like me, but that is honestly how I feel

PosieParker Tue 23-Oct-12 10:57:15

I'm not sure if someone gives you the green light to abuse them that the abuse is diminished, sounds like he thought he had to do that to keep you.

Dahlen Tue 23-Oct-12 16:15:22

I would say that you should leave your DP regardless of whether you pursue this new relationship or remain single for a while. It's clear that there isn't enough there to keep you together long term, and even if you hadn't been exploring your sexuality and met someone else, I think you'd have ended it at some point in the future anyway. I'd say the fairest thing to do would be to end it now and give both of you the freedom to make better choices in the future. There is no reason why you can't do this amicably and why your DD can't have a stable family life with two parents who are actively involved in her life.

What happens with this new woman is an entirely different issue and it would be a mistake to set this relationship up as in competition with your DP. Continue it if you want, but don't use it as justification to leave your DP.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: