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Is it possible to make yourself fall in love again?

(37 Posts)
DeathCab Mon 22-Oct-12 20:35:02

Basically, I have been with DP for 6 years now and we have a DD who is 18 months.

We are due to get married next year but I'm worried that I'm only marrying him for the sake of my daughter.
I do love him, but recently we are like best friends bringing up a child together.
To be honest I couldn't imagine my life without him but I don't think I'm "in love " with him anymore.

We hardly have sex anymore because I just can't face it, I don't feel attracted to him in that way anymore. I feel awful for actually saying this out loud but I don't know what to do anymore.

I so badly want to feel that love for him again.. I suppose what I'm asking is, is it possible?

Unfairdismissal Mon 22-Oct-12 20:56:58

Yes it is - fight for him, take control, be strong, be honest and see and enjoy all the good things about him. Tell him what you like, your passions, how you like to get in the mood, ask him the same and reignite those dying flames. It can take time but remember why you fell in love and bore his child. It worked for me [Smile].

DeathCab Mon 22-Oct-12 21:01:23

Thank you smile your post made me
smile. I feel like life has just got on top of me lately. We're just going through the motions I suppose.. I'm only 25, I feel like an old woman!

Unfairdismissal Mon 22-Oct-12 21:05:57

It doesn't matter what age you are life can do that smile, why did my last smiley face not work? What ever is making life get on top of you, try and take a step back and laugh at it. Got to nip off now Dh just poured some wine for me before bed. Sleep well Cabbie.

Feckbox Mon 22-Oct-12 21:08:56

Sorry I have to disagree.
I don't think you should be marrying someone you are not attracted to and can't face having sex with.

Unfairdismissal Mon 22-Oct-12 21:10:11

How blunt.

DeathCab Mon 22-Oct-12 21:52:02

Thanks Unfair smile I will definitely try!

I appreciate what you're saying Feckbox and I agree to a certain extent, that's why I want to try and do something to fix it.

Unfairdismissal Mon 22-Oct-12 22:11:17

Glad to hear those positive words Cabbie! Wine was lush! Xx

DeathCab Mon 22-Oct-12 22:22:09

I'm very jealous! I wish I could handle drinking on a school night! Haha smile

MrTumblesCrackWhore Mon 22-Oct-12 22:29:35

Do you know how he feels? He must be able to sense something from you surely, and maybe is complicit in the way you feel?

The reason I say this is dh and I are in a similar position - we've kind of both acknowledged that things aren't as they used to be but we have two small kids, we're constantly knackered, neither of us wants anyone else but just don't have the energy or inclination to have sex on the regular basis we used to. However, we are best mates and I feel sick at the thought of us not spending the rest of our lives together. We've not said as much to each other but we understand that until life gets a bit easier, particularly sleep wise, our relationship won't be as sparky as it could be.

My lovely mum, before she died,said that marriages are not all hearts and roses and that lots of people chase the immediate and superficially gratifying, mostly based on a false ideal of those around us. Any relationship worth keeping will need hard work and effort, providing there is no fundamental damage there (affairs, abuse etc). She and my dad had been married 36 years at that point.

Unless your relationship feels really wrong, I'd hang in there and work at it. If you feel even a small sense of relief when you hear this, then you know that's how you really must feel. It's ok to doubt yourself and your relationship - it just shows you still care. If it gets to the point where you don't care, then that's the time to get out.

Dahlen Mon 22-Oct-12 22:30:15

I think a lot depends on how genuine those initial feelings of attraction were. If you were blinded by lust brought about by the idea of who you thought your DP was, then you won't be able to recapture it because that isn't the real him IYSWIM. However, if those feelings were real, based on who he actually is, then you should be able to rediscover them with some communication and a readiness to risk exposing your innermost desires.

When we fall in love, there's a huge element of the unknown. It's risk that leads to excitement, that leads to lust and hopefully then on to love (though often it doesn't and just fizzles out). Part of rediscovering that is baring your soul for your partner to see. It takes courage and is part of what true intimacy is in long-term couples. But you'll only get it back if what it was based on in the first place is real.

Feckbox Mon 22-Oct-12 22:32:52

In answer to your question, I don't know if it's possible.
But I really think you should hold off on the marriage plans while you still feel this way.

DeathCab Mon 22-Oct-12 22:46:32

MrTumbles thank you for your post.
I have told him how I feel. Thing is we seem to be living seperate lives at home, he is constantly in another room playing on his playstation while I sit alone all night watching tv. I'm just so bored!
I've told him I'm not happy and he makes an effort for a few days then it goes back to the way it was. I just feel so sick of having to have an argument to make him spend time with me.

It doesn't feel wrong cause he is my best friend but at the minute that's as far as it goes. I just want to feel that spark again.
He says he loves me and nothing has changed for him but I get the feeling it's just an automatic answer from him.
Is it a good thing that he doesn't have to think about how he feels? I'm not sure..

I don't think he's changed at all, he is still the same person I've always known. Maybe I've changed?

DeathCab Mon 22-Oct-12 22:48:10

Thank you Dahlen, your post makes a lot of sense to me.

lydiamama Mon 22-Oct-12 22:51:47

Oh yes it is, actually it is rather easy. And many couples pass through a similar thing when having young children (hard work they are!!!!)
You just have to spend some time alone, dating each other, go out for a romantic dinner, to the cinema, say nice things to each other, just have couple only time, and check all your all pictures, the ones you have from the time you were dating at the very start, it will bring back the memories of the fun man he is [you have just forget that your partner is a great deal of fun as you are all the time busy working and looking after a toddler]. BUT you do need to address this with him, and ask him to have some romantic gestures.

DeathCab Mon 22-Oct-12 22:59:37

That's Lydia, that's great advice!

I do look through our old pictures from time to time and I do remember that love that we had.

It's hard trying to figure out whether we're together for the right reasons. I just don't want my DD to be brought up in a broken home. I was myself and I would hate that for her.

Tiredness does not help either!

Unfairdismissal Mon 22-Oct-12 23:19:24

So refreshing and lovely to hear the positive comments, I think sometimes on this site we can hear so much (dare I say it bitterness - rightly so in many cases I might add) but I have had a happy ending and millions more have too in RL, but most don't come here for good stories, more for advice when things get hard. Will probably get a roasting for this but hope the good stories keep coming.

Bit tipsy now, must go to sleep, Dh is snoring next to me, shame, was in the mood for some cuddles wink.

DeathCab Mon 22-Oct-12 23:40:03

I agree it is refreshing to hear good stories smile

Unfortunately my night has just ended in an argument, surprise surprise.
Suppose I better try and sleep this off, tomorrow is a new day after all! Thank you for all your wise words tonight, I really appreciate it!

Nite all smile

Unfairdismissal Tue 23-Oct-12 09:12:07

Today is a new day smile, I hope you woke up positive Cabbie, forget the argument and have a fab day today.

I have decided today that I am going to do something completely for myself today - unsure what yet but want it to really make me grin.

Any ideas from you all? Nothing too loud or energetic please - head is a little fragile brew.

Unfairdismissal Tue 23-Oct-12 09:21:19

Ps want to know about a naughty game i played after last update on here last night? wink . Keeping things spicy and keeps me in control smile.

DeathCab Tue 23-Oct-12 09:47:55

Thanks Unfair smile

Get a tattoo! Lol I'm not alive enough yet for anything more creative wink

And yes.. Share!! Could always do with some advice in that department!

Unfairdismissal Tue 23-Oct-12 09:55:00

Have one tattoo, was thinking about another - what shall I have on it Cabbie ? Tell you later about game wink.

DeathCab Tue 23-Oct-12 10:11:26

I reckon a nice big skull covering your entire back wink.

Yes pm me !

Unfairdismissal Tue 23-Oct-12 13:58:59

Ok cabbie suggested I post this - not too sure but hey why not . . .

When Dh and I were having major difficulties with our relationship, i took control of physical side cos he was like a man child - I resented his physical touch. So I decided to start sorting this by setting my boundaries and how I wanted it to be on my terms when I wanted it ( which Incidently he loved) - he was in our spare room.

At first I started to build my sexual confidence by masterbating quietly in my room - desperate for him not to hear - then one night I couldn't hold back and he heard and came in - I covered up and he asked what I was doing with a grin on his face. I told him I was making myself happy and to go back to his room - he did but I could tell he was listening - so I carried on and it felt funny at first but then exciting - so I orgasmed again - the next day we talked about it and he liked the fact I was doing it - so from then on - it became a game for us but strictly on my terms, sometimes teasing him by noise and keeping him in other room - occasionally I would tell him to come in and join me or simply watch but out of sight. Really built my confidence and brought a spark back to our lives.

Last night, I woke him and told him to go to spare room because his snoring was too loud - I then proceeded to loudly play and could hear him listening - he tried to come in but I wouldn't allow it! Amazing excitement and puts him in his place - serves him right for falling asleep and snoring - he woke me up this morning with tea and breakfast in bed obviously wanting some fun - have told him to be patient - today is my day! I am now Thinking about what to do later . . .

Unfairdismissal Tue 23-Oct-12 15:36:37

Why has it all gone quiet after I wrote that last post? Anyone there?

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