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Terminally Ill mother

(4 Posts)
bettybigballs Mon 22-Oct-12 19:31:45

I have a very strained relationship with my mother, I'm quite bitter over my childhood which is waaayyyyy too long an complex to put on here (i have talked about it on the stately home threads)

I've coped over the last few years by seeing very little of her and keeping her at an emotional distance. Every time I do see her, it drags up loads of the old feelings of inadequacy and being loathed to the surface.

In short, I thoroughly dislike the women and hope every single day I don't turn into her or make my children ever feel as she made me feel.

Anyway, she has cancer and has had for over a year. She's recently found out she has at most a year left.

The diagnosis has bought out all the bitterness in her character and today I was in the receiving end of particularly nasty, personal and vindictive rant.

I understand that we should be spending the time we have left building bridges and mending our fragile relationship. I however (an feel hugely guilty about this) want to run for the hills. I don't feel strong enough to cope with the character assassinations, put downs and sneers.

How can I get over how angry I feel and find a way to be around her without her ruining the shreds of self esteem I've managed to build up being away from her?

Doha Mon 22-Oct-12 19:47:37

Don't do anything you don't want to do.
Do you really eant to spend time building bridges when you know the abuse you are going to get--it doesn't sound as if she wants any bridges built herself.

Of course she may be reacting to her news of life expectancy anad be quite frightened of what is ahead.

How would do feel if she dies tomorrow and no bridges had been built?

izzyizin Mon 22-Oct-12 19:53:33

You can do it by mentally putting your fingers in your ears and singing la la la when your not very dear m bangs on about your own or others awfulness.

You can do it by imagining yourself in the middle of a flexible non-stick bubble through which you can see/hear and been seen/heard but everthing that's said by your dm bounces off the bubble or drains away to the floor.

Or you can see her for what she is; a not very pleasant woman whose time on this earth is running out.

If you can come from a place of pity and compassion for her wasted life and everything she's missed out on because of her inability to be all that she could have been, you may be able to rise above the gradually decreasing number of trials ahead.

It won't be easy but it can be done, albeit that building anything other than the flimsiest and most transient of bridges may be a task too far.

bettybigballs Mon 22-Oct-12 20:11:18

Thank you for the replies, there are some really useful points here.

You raise a good point Doha. How would i feel if she died tomorrow. I'm saddened to say that I'm still like a puppy around her, still so thrilled when i get some positive response from her and hurt to the core every time she takes it away or laughingly sneers at my naivety. I feel very bad to say this but if she died tomorrow I'd feel a sense of relief.

Izzyizin - There's something that resonates about approaching her from a place of pity and compassion, i think that would be quite protecting. You sounds as though you've been somewhere similar. Do you have any techniques that got you started off?

Thanks again for your thoughts.

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