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DM thinks I'm being childish, I think I'm being loyal to my Dsis

(19 Posts)
ModreB Mon 22-Oct-12 18:47:14

My Dsis seperated from her exH 4 years ago. It was awful, he was emotionally, financially and at the end physically abusive to her. The fall out has been horrible, her exH has never had the balls to face me or any of my family since then. He left her in a terrible position financially and mentally, which she is only just now starting to get out of. There are no DC's involved.

Our cousin (female) was around at the time of the break up, and saw what a mess Dsis was in, she, Dsis, was suicidal sad Cousin moved to the other end of the country shortly afterwards and has not been back to our home town since then. Backstory is that Cousin is toxic, has lied and manipulated in the past. The reason she left our home town is that she had an affair with a married man (not the exH) got found out and had to get away sharpish.

She (Cousin) is coming to visit family next week, and has told my DM that she intends to visit the exH, as she "Feels sorry for him" She is not planning to see my Dsis but has asked to come and see me.

AIBU to say no, she is not welcome at my home if she is going to engage with that bell-end, who by the way is very nicely set up now, new partner, new home, new family, while Dsis is still struggling with the fall out that he left behind.

My DM (Not Dsis Mum - it's complicated) thinks that I am being childish and that it's all water under the bridge. I, on the other had think that it will be a massive betrayal to my Dsis if I engage with the Cousin. I have not spoken to Cousin for over 3 years, and tbh it's not been any loss at all.

None of us have had any kind of relationship with her (Cousin) while she has been away - her choice BTW not ours. But my DM will create a fuss and may try to force the issue, I can fully imagine her just turning up with Cousin at my door, which I have told her not to do as I will then just turn them away.

So, AIBU and childish? Or loyal to my Dsis?

LoveHandles88 Mon 22-Oct-12 19:05:56

You have the right to choose who you do or don't have contact with. You're a grown adult and can make your own choices. I think you should remind your DM of this.
If someone had cut contact with me for 3 years, there's no way I would bend over backwards to accommodate them visiting to be honest.

HissyByName Mon 22-Oct-12 19:11:30

Wish you were MY sister!

How lucky to have you. smile

Your.mum is being hideous. Turn the pair of them away!

PoppadomPreach Mon 22-Oct-12 19:16:28

I think you're being a brilliant sister and don't think you are being the slightest bit childish.

I find the "water under the bridge" comment depressing - just because a few years has passed that makes domestic abuse acceptable???

Your cousin sounds like a twat.

Bogeyface Mon 22-Oct-12 19:17:30

Not childish at all.

I take it your mothers attitude is because she is not your sisters mum so doesnt feel as protective over her as she would if it were you?

Also, is she your and Dsis cousin (so a relative of your and Dsis dad) or is she just your cousin (so a relative of you mum)?

I am wondering what your cousins motives are by visiting the ex. She has already shown herself to be lacking in morals after her affair so perhaps she has her sights set on him?

0liverb0liverbuttface Mon 22-Oct-12 19:30:35

Loyal definitely not childish

ModreB Mon 22-Oct-12 19:34:03

Cousin is cousin to both of us via DF. Both cousin and DM are drama addicts and tbh would both relish a big scene.

Dsis and I both think that she had a crush on the exH, but tbh has no chance at all in that regard. She (cousin) has always been a bit weird, for instance I have a hobby that I am good at, so Cousin also took up the same hobby out of the blue, set up a website, and is trying to sell stuff. Always trying to be one up. I'm like <meh> which drives her mad. Cousin is about 10 years younger than Dsis and I.

TBH I am not willing to engage so it hasn't had the desired effect. I just don't want to be in a situation where there's a conflict and drama in front of the DC's. DH's opinion is similar to mine - if Cousin goes to see the knob then she has made her decision.

Bogeyface Mon 22-Oct-12 19:38:43

So your mum and dad are still together? What does your dad think of this?

Personally I think you are doing exactly the right thing.

Doha Mon 22-Oct-12 19:43:03

Oh how l wish you were my sister..

It's your right to see whoever you want and if you don't want to see this cousin so be it.
Your DM should respect your decision and if she appears at the door either do not answer or turn them away.

I would be furious at my DN if she dared evn consider doing this against my wishes

ModreB Mon 22-Oct-12 19:46:29

No Bogey, Dsis is 2 years younger than me, different Mum. My DF was a waste of space who buggered off when we were both small so have not had contact with him for as long as I can remember, but both our DM's wanted us to grow up together. My DM worked full time when I was young, as did Dsis DM. Our mutual GM looked after us while they worked, and in the holidays so although we have never lived together were were always fully aware that we were sisters and have always been close.

Cousin is the daughter of DF younger brother.

Bogeyface Mon 22-Oct-12 19:57:11

Ah I see. Sorry, I was just trying to work out why your mum was involved with your cousin.

They sounds like a pair of drama llamas and the less you and your dsis have to do wit them the better.

Good for you for sticking up for her!

Walkacrossthesand Mon 22-Oct-12 20:01:28

Cousin is throwing down a gauntlet, isn't she, by declaring that she's going to visit Dsis's ex-H, and you, but not Dsis. Trying to redraw a little family tableau that excludes Dsis. Cheeky so & so. Mind you, I doubt Dsis would want to entertain her, just before or after she's visited her toxic ex - too much scope for manipulative off-playing. If you don't want to fuel a drama by refusing outright, you could always use the time-honoured trick of answering the door with your coat on while you know cousin is in the area - 'so sorry, I was just on my way out. ' wink

ModreB Mon 22-Oct-12 20:38:47

It's the manipulation that I hate. My DM picks up DS3 from school, even though he's now old enough to bring himself home, she insists that she goes and gets him in the car. The emotional blackmail when I said that we were trying to increase his independance by letting him come home on the bus was something to be seen, and I foolishly gave in as I didn't want DS3 to be dragged into her drama and get upset. All the DS's love her, but are now all old enough to see how manipulative she is, DS1 & 2 are now adults, but DS3 is only 14 and only just coming to the realisation.

I have visions of coming in from work and finding her sitting there with Cousin, smug, smug, smug at "winning".

My problem is dealing with her isn't it. Not the Cousin. sad

HissyByName Mon 22-Oct-12 23:07:34

Yes, it is. We're here for you. Someone who'd put their sister's feelings first and foremost, especially when she's been so abused is a good person, a great sister.

Stand up and know what you're doing is right. YANBU! smile

HissyByName Mon 22-Oct-12 23:08:59

Oh, and if she has a key... Change the locks.

You have to tackle the DS school thing too.

ModreB Tue 23-Oct-12 18:13:53

I have significantly changed the "balance of power" in the relationship with DM over the last few years, and even went without contact for a period of time when she was being very disrespectful to both DH and I as parents.

For some time she has been able to be reasonable. I have also read through the Stately Homes threads, and although some of the behaviour on those does fit, it doesn't seem as extreme IYSWIM. It's just that every now and then she seems to test the water, and see if I am really going to carry on standing up to her more outrageous behaviour.

It almost seems like an involuntary reaction, she cannot resist whipping up a frenzy every now and again.

olgaga Tue 23-Oct-12 18:32:00

Bloody hell no - life's too short to waste time with people like that.

It's not about being childish, it's about having your valid opinion respected. Tell your mum you don't agree with her, and that in future you want your son to get home independently. The quicker you get this bust-up over with, the better.

Tell your son that on no account must he get lifts home with her again because she has overstepped the mark - and he is old enough to know why.

You're entitled to run your family life the way you want it - not how she wants it.

You will find this book is a real confidence booster and helps you to communicate assertively with pig-headed control freaks:

HissyByName Tue 23-Oct-12 19:49:35

Imagine a time when you don't ever have to wait for a, ahem, Hissy fit.

Once you are rid of that negative energy in your life, it literally transforms you

50shadesofmeh Tue 23-Oct-12 19:52:16

I'd tell her to feck off, your sister must be feeling really put out and upset about this so it's nice to show solidarity for her.

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