Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Lost connection with controlling DP. Leave or stay?

(35 Posts)
Isitsafetocomeoutofthecloset Mon 22-Oct-12 18:01:25

Ok, I've been with DP for around a year, not living together, anniversary is coming up in next week or so.
Will try not to dripfeed so bare with me.
When we met, I basically fell for him straight away, I know its silly, it wasn't exactly love at first sight, but it was certainly close. I was just in the middle of a really bad depression stage, so bad I was cutting and he helped me out of it, he was so patient and kind and exactly what I needed. Things were brilliant for a while, he seemed to want to be with me all the time, it made me feel so beautiful and loved and I was so happy. I have so much love for him, but recently, over the summer, some problems have cropped up. Things I never noticed before.
1) I'm starting to feel a little suffocated by him, it's so lovely that he wants to see me so much, but he worries so much when i don't answer my phone or texts, he doesn't really give me any time to myself. For instance I was out with a friend going to meet some of her friends, and he basically started worrying about not being able to see me that day, and guilt-tripped me into agreeing that he could come along with us. My friend was a little bit pissed as she claimed "he invited himself." Then he just stood awkwardly, didn't talk to anyone, then left halfway through saying I was ignoring him and clearly didn't want him there.
2) He isn't really... going places. Has no A levels, Btech instead, bad GCSE's, no aspirations, and i feel like he sort of... envy's me because I'm relatively academic, and went to university and got good grades in school. But then I worked hard for them, throughout his studies he told me he barely tried. I'm not sure I want to be with a guy who has this kind of work ethic now that I think about it.
3) He sort of expects sex whenever he is ready, no matter if I am. not a major point but it's there. Also not the best at it iyswim. blush
4)There's just something missing. I don't know what it is, it was there and now it's not. Maybe it's the romance. Anyway i just feel sort of lost without it.
5) He used to be so funny when we were friends, could always make me laugh. Now he just doesn't even try.
6) He's a bit socially awkward. i love sociallising now, i feel like I missed out when I was a teenager because of my depression, so I love going out with friends now while i can. He just doesn't try to go out or meet my friends, or talk to them. They all make an effort with him but he responds minimally.

Don't get me wrong, I love him, so much, but I was thinking to myself the other day, I don't want this sort of life for the rest of my life. He's been talking about marriage a lot recently. I don't know if I should stick it out and hope it gets better, or if I should break it off now while I still have the chance. :S Help please x

FermezLaBouche Mon 22-Oct-12 18:05:46

There doesn't seem to be many positives here. I would end it and count yourself lucky you have no kids or other major commitments.

izzyizin Mon 22-Oct-12 18:10:46

You 'love' this boring non-achieving twat? Why?

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 22-Oct-12 18:16:39

All this person wants to do now is to drag you down with him.

What is there to love about this person, what do you get out of this relationship now?. You are not here to rescue and or save people like this person.

Such men do not change either. You are seeing the real him.

Pollymagoo Mon 22-Oct-12 18:20:29

So here he came you knight in shining armour and rescued you. And now ? You are well and don't need rescuing . So move on to a more equal relationship based on respect and trust and understanding rather than I fairy tales

HissyByName Mon 22-Oct-12 18:55:30

Run like the wind! You've lost enough of your life on a low funtioning c-grade abuser.
Get out while yyou still can!

stuffitunderthebed Mon 22-Oct-12 18:58:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bogeyface Mon 22-Oct-12 19:11:07

This is not a new story.

Underachiever, who feels that he is capable of so much if only someone would give him a chance hmm and doesnt understand that only hard work pays dividends.

High achiever who has self esteem issues and isnt always aware of her own self worth.

THey hook up because he thinks she is amazing and he can ride on her coat tails, as a result of this adoration, she falls for him.

Then he realises that just being with her will not magically transform him into a hard working more determined and successful man, and begins to resent her success. He also resents her ability to make and keep friends, because she isnt jealous of their achievements as he is with most people he meets. He then tries to keep her away from those friends as he feels threatened by their relationship with her. He knows that eventually she will see what he is really like and gradually causes a fuss or emotionally blackmails her into seeing them less and less. This also includes her family.

Ultimately, she sells herself short and doesnt achieve all she could in life and in her career because he kicks off about her selfishness, about her caring more about her friends than him, about her spending her time on her career instead of him. He tells her that when they are married and have a family he will feel more secure, so they marry and she gets pregnant, he refuses to help so she can go back to work and may in fact sabotage any efforts she makes in that direction.

So it is done.

She is financially and emotionally dependent on him and has no one else to to turn to as he has gradually isolated her from everyone. She spends her life in a downward spiral, desperately keeping it together for the sake of the kids and because she thinks she cant leave. He says that she isnt the same anymore, that he is sick of her not pulling her weight financially, even though he wont let her work. Finally, he leaves, for the next young girl to fall for it.


She posts on Mumsnet after the first year and realises what the future holds, dumps him and takes some time out for therapy to make sure that she doesnt fall for such a selfish manipulative man again.

Worth thinking about ...

HissyByName Tue 23-Oct-12 07:38:45

Bogey, now when you put it like THAT.....


I've read the books, done the FP, therapy, support groups, posted on here but your post was so flipping bang on, it gave me goosepimples!

Thank you.

If only MN had have existed a year into my relationship, that post might have saved me 10 sorry years.

Leverette Tue 23-Oct-12 07:45:40

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BestestBrownies Tue 23-Oct-12 07:55:57

shock Bogeyface shock

Straight to the bone eh? Your post describes my relationship better than I could've done myself. I'm just sitting here speechless with this face shock shock shock

I too wish I'd discovered MN 10 years ago Hissy.

Fortunately I'm LTB this weekend wink. Onwards and upwards smile

tallwivglasses Tue 23-Oct-12 07:58:28

Great posts above. A certain type of bloke preys on vulnerable women - it's that much easier to appear to be a knight in shining armour. I was 'rescued' by such a man. I had a baby with him (jointly planned) then was blamed ever after for his missed opportunities. He left before she was born, rescued someone else, had a baby with her, blamed her...

You've very clearly identified his red flags OP. please get out before this man grinds you down. If nothing else, you deserve better sex!

minmooch Tue 23-Oct-12 08:01:41

Bogey your post alone could have saved me two unhappy marriages. Your paragraph starting 'high achiever who has self esteem issues ......' sums me up.

IWishIWasAFrog Tue 23-Oct-12 08:06:37

'like' button for Bogey's post

You have no kids, you have only been with him for a year, there is nothing in it for you, your life is not a dress rehearsal, this is it!!! Go be happy! Why on earth wouldn't you? Rather think about that? You are worth so much more smile

Feckbox Tue 23-Oct-12 08:12:32

Brilliant, bogey.
Except that there is another, equally bad ending.

They have kids, he opts to be the stay at home parent; fifteen years later when the kids are in high school he still shows no sign over ever getting a paid job.

She wants to leave him but fears he will get residency of the children because he is the " main carer"

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 23-Oct-12 08:31:36

Get shot of him. He sounds possessive, clingy, miserable, insecure and the part about having sex when you're not keen is downright nasty. He selected you when you were vulnerable and that's how he'd like you to stay. A fully-functioning, happy, confident you makes him feel threatened & resentful. Marriage to a man like this would be horrendous.

I've a feeling he'll be the type that refuses to be dumped so, if I were you, I'd start now. Learn from the experience.

HissyByName Tue 23-Oct-12 21:08:23

BestestBrownies I wish you all the best for this weekend. Stay safe huh? Be prepared for some weird shit...

Let us know if you need any hand holding? Start a thread of your own when you are out, or please post on the couple that are running at the moment with recent exits?

You are not alone love! Far from it! ;)

Bogeyface Tue 23-Oct-12 21:20:37

My post was just a contaction of many of the terribly sad posts I have read on here, and includes some of my own experience although luckily I left after the first baby.

Hopefully our experiences can help the OP from making the same mistake.

What is LTB?

HissyByName Tue 23-Oct-12 21:21:51

Leave The Bastard... How long you been on MN, Bogey? confused


solidgoldbrass Tue 23-Oct-12 21:25:27

Yes, Bogeyface has nailed it. Leave this knob ASAP. He targetedyou, as this type of man always does; your pain and depression (and especially the self-harming) gave him a massive hard on. Now he thinks he owns you and he wants to suck the life out of you. You don;t live with him, you don't have DC, you can just shut the door in his face and refuse to take his calls, but if you feel like being polite, meet him in a public place and tell him gently but firmly that the relationship isn't working for you and therefore it's over. You don't need his permission to dump him. And if he won't go, it;s OK to involve the police should it become necessary.

Bogeyface Tue 23-Oct-12 21:26:21

ooh, er.....not sure! I first joined about 4 or 5 years ago I think but became a proper regular about 3 ish years ago.

NettleTea Tue 23-Oct-12 21:28:13

Yyy to Bogey's post.
Similarly I wish there had been a Mumsnet back then.

Bogeyface Tue 23-Oct-12 21:28:22

But...I am 40 with 6 kids and the eldest is now 22. He was born the year before the internet was invented and I have to say that I wish MN and the like existed then, it would have saved alot of unhappiness for women my age and older.

Bogeyface Tue 23-Oct-12 21:30:47

Sorry, keep thinking....

Alot of us didnt know any better. If you come from a "put up and shut up" family, as I did, then an overbearing controlling spouse with a submissive bullied spouse is normal. You dont realise that actually, it isnt right because you have no one to compare it to, usually because he has stopped you from forming relationships with anyone who might point out what an arse he is.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Tue 23-Oct-12 21:31:04

OP, if you don't dump the sad twat after reading bogey's post, you would be a very foolish person indeed

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: