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Domestic abuse - from my brother

(18 Posts)
Imogencodpiece Mon 22-Oct-12 17:25:24

My brother has just screamed at me called me a bitch and a slag and poked his fingers in my face.

This is the first time he has ever touched me but he has been verbally abusive before and as children (admittedly a long while ago now) used to hit me all the time.

He has always had an anger problem and iv just had enough. I refuse to allow him to get away with it any more. Everyone just seems to ignore it and just carry on but he has gone over the line today and actually touched me.

He has always lived at home, never paid rent or bills.

His current campaign of anger is directed at me because i left my husband in february for another man. This means i am a slag and a whore apparently, despite it actually being non of his business that i left and why.

I am also 5 months pregnant with my new partner and very happy about this. its our first child for either of us and this should be an exciting time but its not.

i am living at home currently with my mum and brother as when i left my husband my intention was to take things slow with new fella and do lots of saving with the reduction in outgoings. baby was a surprise as i was on the pill but has turned out to be a welcome surprise. needless to say i am lookin for a place to be able to afford to move out again.

anyway babbling on, can i report this incident to police or will they see it as petty?

the argument started as he was telling me about how he wants to start a business like his mate (whom is living with his missus who claims everything on benefits and they don't declare they are living together) so my brother sees this as all profit.

i said well his(mates) business would be non-legit then as he would need to register himself as living somewhere pay VAT, insurance ect and that if he (my brother) wanted to start a business he would be best doing a qualification in business and maybe looking to up his maths/english level ect at which point he flipped and got right up in my face telling me not to judge him or his mates and then called me a stuck up bitch and poked his fingers in my face.

im sorry if this is all jumbled, im quite upset. sad

KennethParcell Mon 22-Oct-12 17:31:21

wow. he sounds a disturbed misogynist with a bizarre sense of entitlement over your life. He has no right to judge you, and he obviously has no right to verbally and physically abuse you. I would think about reporting it to the police. He will of course HATE you for it but you need to protect yourself and your baby. He lives at home as well? and always has done by the sounds of it.......... he said some nasty things and he sounds very selfish, his comments and outburst no doubt motivated by the realisation that your mother's home is not just his own private domain. He could probably control things well when it was him and your mother and now it's two women and himself his rein is less certain.

I have not been in your exact shoes but I am a single mother of two kids and my brother has said some strange things to me. I was instructed to forget it too. I made the mistake of running a decision past him recently and he said 'em, no, no'. like it was his decision or something?!

Imogencodpiece Mon 22-Oct-12 17:49:46

he's just stormed back downstairs and caught me crying, he has attempted to make me feel guilty by saying that iv turned the water works on 'just for mum' and that he knows i will tell her and not tell her the whole story. that im seen as so wonderful by everyone and that everyone hates him and that he's the black sheep.

he then stormed off slamming doors.

i am so disgusted to be related to him. how did i turn out alright but he so wrong?

i am far from perfect and have made mistakes but hasn't everyone?
he says i have wasted everyone's money and fucked over my own family by getting married and then leaving my husband.
its like he expects everyone to stay happy forever. we were happy when we married. he acts like i did it just for the show and the holiday my family very kindly sent us on for honeymoon.

TiAAAAARGHo Mon 22-Oct-12 17:54:12

So he was verbally abusive and then jabbed his fingers in your face. Yup - I'd report to the police.

It is up to you what you do with your life. And up to him (including the taking of consequences) if he decides to assault people.

Congratulations on your baby.

KennethParcell Mon 22-Oct-12 17:55:00

Women cry when they are angry. I had this from my x (not from my brother mind you) but if he had any understanding of the sexes whatsoever he'd know that. He poked his finger in your face and called you a slag and a whore when he was angry. YOu are angry to have been treated like that, out of nowhere when you might have expected support from him. I would cry too. It's a mixture of hurt and anger. He has no right to be abusive and no right to try and control your reaction to his abuse!!

i'm sorry but he sounds an absolute horror. I don't know what to suggest though as the 'normal' suggestions are not necessarily applicable when dealing with a brother.

Is there any way you can move out? It really is a priority as you are pregnant. If you weren't five months pregnant maybe you could battle out your territory at your mum's house but it's not worth it.

Does he bully your mum like this?

KennethParcell Mon 22-Oct-12 17:58:01

ps, just to second the suggestion of going to the police. He clearly considers himself the boss in your mother's home. m if your mother can't persuade him to treat her home and her or you with respect then YES , I would report him to the police. He will be RAGING on one level but when that anger dies down he will have a grudging respect for you that you wouldn't put up with it. My x had no respect for me because I put up with abuse from him for years.

KennethParcell Mon 22-Oct-12 17:58:39

not that you NEED his respect as much as you need to be safe. from immediate threat, veiled threat & psychological threat.

Imogencodpiece Mon 22-Oct-12 18:05:48

if i wasn't pregnant i would probably have smacked him the second he touched me to be honest (wrong in know) but then id only have me to worry about if he had decided to really lay into me.

im trying to move at the minute but finding somewhere decent that i can afford is not something i want to rush. again if it was just me id be gone now,but i have to think about somewhere being decent enough for baby now.

i think my mums given up to be honest. she feeds the way he is, does all his washing and ironing and washing up and tidying. he has no respect for her at all but she cant see it.
she wont ever kick him out or anything. sane as she never would me, he told her i should be thrown out when he found out about baby and she said no of course.

Imogencodpiece Mon 22-Oct-12 18:11:39

although i have to say that if i acted the way he does i reckon she WOULD ask me to leave actually but not him.

Pollymagoo Mon 22-Oct-12 18:12:00

I. O longer see or speak to my brother who tried this one 20 years ago and then again was abusive when my father was dying. He was a liar, a cheat and a bulky. I do not miss him. Get out. Stand on your own 2 feet. As long as mother babies a grown man he will never change. Go to a refuge. Say with friends. Get out and close contact with him. Fr ever. He will never change.

Imogencodpiece Mon 22-Oct-12 18:17:59

i know polly, i dont want him to change im holding out no hope for that. And this is the last time i ever speak to him. believe in that. i just am so upset we used to get on really well and then i left my husband, and he seems to think this is wrong because it means iv fucked over my whole family.

he seems to think i dont care i hurt my ex by leaving, i know i did and if there had been a way to do it with no hurt i would have and i feel bad about that but i made the right choice i know that for certain. so i am not going to spend my time moping.

i want to move on and be happy. is that so wrong?

Pollymagoo Mon 22-Oct-12 18:29:40

So he is using your guilt over your ex and how that affected your family
Well really it's got nothing to do with him has it ? It's between you and your ex
Frankly I wouldn't even discuss it with him
You didn't get on really well did you. You said he was always angry. He has lied and cheated to make a living and prob all his life and then treat his mother appallingly.
Move on and be happy. Where is the baby's father in all this. Can he support you emotionally ? Financially ?

Sop pretending everything was OK . It wasn't. Ever. Now move on.
And stop making excuses

HissyByName Mon 22-Oct-12 19:02:01

Look love, you're outnumbered, your mum is SUPPORTING the abuse of her dd, and her gc.

Please call womens aid, refuge, anywhere. Yes you should report him, and take it all the way.

You have to get away from them. Can you stay with your dp, a friend? Anyone?

Choufleur Mon 22-Oct-12 19:04:13

Try women's aid or see what services your local council offers. Domestic abuse can be from anyone

Imogencodpiece Mon 22-Oct-12 19:20:54

well i told my mum when she got home and she is going have a word with him about it and has actually said that if it does't stop and he cant bide by her rules under house he will have to pack his bags and leave. i did not expect that at all. she said she is fed up with his baby like tantrums and that it has to stop.

Hissy, i understand but its HIM i have to get away from not my mum. my mum is nice and loves me, she's just tired and wants a quiet life for her own reasons which isn't right. but having told her what happened this afternoon she does seem to have stepped up. in her words his behaviour is completely unacceptable and she cant ignore it anymore.

polly we really did get on so much better when i didn't live at home and was with my husband.

Imogencodpiece Mon 22-Oct-12 19:23:54

oh and babys daddy is supporting me emotionally and he fully intends to support me financially.

i have asked him not to get too involved but he would protect me if i asked him too.
i dont want my brother to take it out on him.

myroomisatip Mon 22-Oct-12 19:58:07

I have not read this whole thread but I know how awful a situation you are in.

My son has been abusive towards me and mostly towards his sister. My STBXH always made excuses for him... insisted it was 'normal' for siblings to fight and I stupidly put up with too much.

It got so bad one day I called the Police. I felt so bad. I had to call the police out on my own son but I had no choice and I should have done it much much earlier.

I think you should not hesitate to call the Police. You do not deserve to be treated like that and, as is often quoted on MN, if a stranger came up to you and treated you like that you would call the police, why should it be any different if a member of your family assaults you?

(((hugs))) I know it is very upsetting.

HissyByName Mon 22-Oct-12 23:40:51

When you are a Mum yourself, you will want to edit your comment to me.

I would tear the head off anyone that abuses my child, even if it were another of them. Your mother is sitting by and spectating your B abuse you. HAVE A WORD? Wtaf? It's not good enough. Not by a long way.

You'll see more when you get out. I'm so sorry.

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