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Please help me come to terms with ex's 'new' relationship

(19 Posts)
wellthatsdoneit Mon 22-Oct-12 10:50:08

Just that really. Brief background - ex left me for her over a year ago (although he insists they were 'just friends' whilst we were together). Ex lives abroad (as did we before he left) so doesn't see the children very often. The split is highly acrimonious.

To my knowledge the children (who are 5 and 2) have not met his current partner. The thought of them meeting her makes me feel murderous to be honest. I know they will meet her, sooner rather than later probably. I know there is nothing I can do about this, so how do I accept it? How do I get past the murderous feelings? I want to move on and accept this but I don't know how to. Have started crying now so am going to stop.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 22-Oct-12 11:42:19

Quite honestly, I think the only way you really get past it is once you are truly happy with your new life or with a new partner of your own. It's very difficult otherwise because it can feel as though you're the blameless one left standing their open-mouthed and empty-handed whilst they sail off happily into the sunset, despite having caused all the upset, without a backward glance. It's the pain of losing the competition all over again.

In the meantime, reassure yourself that you are the bigger person by letting things move forward, even though you're not happy about it.

wellthatsdoneit Mon 22-Oct-12 11:58:02

Oh dear, that's not good. I am very unhappy, about many things! The pain of losing my husband (or at least the person I thought he was), the injustice of the way he left and his behaviour since then, the injustice of this other woman who became involved with him knowing his commitments...

Fuck, I'm fucked aren't I?!

Punkatheart Mon 22-Oct-12 12:04:54

You are not fucked my darling - but I fully understand your pain. Mine left me last year - I have cancer and my daughter is going through all sorts of issues. It makes you so angry doesn't it, their seeming lack of conscience.

My man was a coward and so is yours. You are brave and you will be a great mum. Your life will be better. Plenty of lovely women here.

If you feel angry:

Call the Samaritans if you have angry tears and feel desperate - you can spill as much as you like. They are very good.

Join a Kickboxing class. I don't have the energy but I have heard that it is very useful.

Find people who you like, who have good ethics and attitudes. It will balance your view of the world that has been tilted by a man.

Lastly, I send a firm hug and real empathy. But please talk it out, walk it, but don't let it make you bitter or angry....

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 22-Oct-12 12:26:21

Be kind to yourself. For something as painful as a marriage breakdown, a year is still very recent history. I think I and the PP are saying the same thing about making your new life more rewarding and full as a way to combat the pain of coping with seeing your ex moving on. Takes some effort to begin with but the more you do and the more you fill your days, the less time you'll have to dwell on the past.

wellthatsdoneit Mon 22-Oct-12 16:00:51

I'm very sorry to hear about your illness punkatheart and wish you the very best for a speedy recovery.

A year doesn't feel like a long time to me, but I feel very alone IRL in that respect. Friends and family, I know, just want me to be in a happier place. I want that too but I don't know how. Doesn't help that the children and I are still living with my parents whilst we are trying to get the financials sorted out.

I just cannot see any future in front of me. It feels like I never will. I will exist, because I have to for the childre, but I cannot ever imagine feeling any happiness again.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 22-Oct-12 16:35:47

If you feel that way about there being no future, would you consider seeing your GP about the possibility of depression? In the meantime, do you have any social life and adult company?

wellthatsdoneit Mon 22-Oct-12 17:31:59

I have been on ADs since shortly before the split and also seeing a counsellor since I moved back to the uk a year ago. I've recently had my ADs changed as, as you can see from my posts, I am still in a very unhappy place. It's too early to see for them to have taken effect yet though.

No, sadly no social life. Firstly I don't know anyone very well round here (been twenty years sine I lived here), and secondly my Aged Ps are not in good health and can't babysit for long, and thirdly, I feel like crap and don't want to go out etc. I do force myself to do some things, but I take no pleasure in it.

When is it going to get better? I am still breaking down I tears several times a day.

Punkatheart Mon 22-Oct-12 18:14:00

I was in exactly the same state at the same stage. Please please be kind to yourself. Go online and socialise that way - it does help. But please if you ever feel desperate - seek help asap. As I said, the Samaritans are wonderful.

It all feels bleak. It all feels black. But look at the sky, go for a walk. Whereabouts in the country are you? If you wanted, I am sure that some lovely women would arrange a meetup. There are so many of us in the same place.

Keep talking.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 22-Oct-12 18:19:37

Go back to your GP explain that you're still breaking down because, a year into a break-up, it's really not normal to still be feeling so raw. Beyond that, ADs and so on can help to a point but, if you're stuck in your childhood home alone with a baby and elderly parents, you'll feel like time is going backwards. Can you book someone else to babysit if your parents aren't well? You may not know anyone to go to the pub with but have a look at the local authority website or in the local newspaper and see if there's any groups that meet up. Things like a book club where you can chat over a coffee perhaps. I sing with a community group, for example - saves my life. If you make an effort to get to know people I think you'll start to feel a little more positive.

Punkatheart Mon 22-Oct-12 21:24:18

Cognito is wise and right. Friends and my love of writing has saved my life.

You will be OK.

skyebluezombie Mon 22-Oct-12 22:20:15

I sound like a stuck record but do you have a Children's Centre near you? They can offer all sorts of help support and advice and courses and baby groups. You will soon meet people and make friends.

As for your feelings, I'm nearly seven months on from STBXH leaving and it is so hard to move on. I totally understand how you feel. But I think the above advice is right, Try and keep busy and also make some friends.

I'm on anti D's too and they have made me feel "normal" again, whatever that is nowadays...., but i still have days where I sit around and cry. It just seems to be a process that has to be gone through...

wellthatsdoneit Thu 25-Oct-12 09:53:56

I have been back to my gp in recent weeks which has resulted in the change of my ADs.

I am incensed today. Ex is supposed to be coming this weekend to see the chikdren (they will be staying overnight with him for three nights in a hotel) and it transpires (after overhearing my 5 year old on the phone last night) that he is bringing the ow with him.

It also transpires that the children have already met her - when they went to his country for a week in the summer. None of this was discussed with me, and meeting her in the summer is in contravention of a court orderr we have in place in respect of visitation.

If I refuse to let the coming weekend visit go ahead then I would be in breach of our court order.

I am fuckinf furious and so upset. Where is the justice in any of this? This is the woman who got involved with my husband knowing he was married and a father to two very young chikdren. Like she gives a flying toss about my chikdren and their welfare.

skyebluezombie Thu 25-Oct-12 10:21:19

oh dear, can you speak to your solicitor about it, if he has contravened the court order about her, I dont know what you cand do about it.

Im sorry, I really dont know what to suggest about visitation etc. Like you say, if you stop them seeing him, you are then breaching it yourself...

hopefully somebody else can be more helpful, but just wanted you know somebody is listening

Polecat2011 Thu 25-Oct-12 10:44:57

Hi, first you are not in breach of a court order if you refuse contact when the court order forbids the presence of the OW. The children's father would be in breach of the court order if she were present when the order does not permit her to be present.

That said, she probably hates the idea of your children as they remind her that he had a happy life before her. It also reminds her that he could do to her what he did to you. Your children are possibly a good reason why he doesn't want or cannot afford more children, she may envy you in that you had children with him. She has "poached" a husband from his wife and a father from his children. She knows what he is capable of. Karma! She is, in fact his next victim. Pity may be called for, whereas you are free of the cheat that he is. You are free to find a good man. She will be wondering where he is, who he's with, wondering if she should check his phone, his e-mails etc. She will be wondering if he will get bored with her. They will no doubt have financial issues to argue about. He will miss the good things about his life with you and the children. She will want holidays with him alone, or with their own children, he will have divided loyalties and want time with his own children. She will be jealous and have to conceal it.

Get on with your life! Use him as a babysitter. Have time for yourself. Find a nursery, take a course. Do some voluntary work. Exercise, even walking in the park. Walk a dog. Not necessarily your own. People talk to you when you walk a dog. Not easy whilst depressed, but if you force yourself gradually the pleasure will become real.

Been there, done that, worn the tee shirt and any other cliche that might help.
Go on! Good Luck

Anniegetyourgun Thu 25-Oct-12 10:45:58

Sorry to be inquisitive, but why do you have a court order preventing the DCs from meeting OW? Surely that isn't usual.

wellthatsdoneit Thu 25-Oct-12 13:40:15

The court order only makes reference to not introducing the ow over the summer visit. I assumed the introduction would take place when the chikdren next visited his country (at Christmas). I didn't dream he would bloody bring her with him when he stays in a hotel here with the children.

Thanks for your supportive words. I feel distraught, particularly in respect of the deceptiveness surrounding it.

My solicitor is not in the office until Monday so it is going to be a decision I have to make alone as to whether I will comply with the visit this weekend.

wellthatsdoneit Thu 25-Oct-12 13:42:58

Annie, I don't know if it's unusual or not. The reason I objected to her being introduced when they went to his country is that my ex has spent very little time with the children over the last year and I felt the visits should be for the purpose of building his own relationship with the children without the added distraction of introducing the ow.

Polecat2011 Thu 25-Oct-12 14:06:35

It does concern me that your 5 year old has not told you he met OW. If this is true, it is not healthy that you ex may have sworn him to secrecy. If you are concerned about your ex's behaviour on contact, refuse contact, and take the matter back before a judge. However, in the long run you could use the time the children are on contact with their father for some "me time". Don't worry about them, make sure you enjoy the free time. Use ex as a babysitting service, a free one, giving you some free time. Your ex probably cannot manage the children on his own if he is not used to doing so. He is using OW to help out, and she is there to make sure she knows everything that is going on. She's come so that he has no secrets. If the relationship lasts your children will get to know her any way. She may, if she is good with children, make their contact visits fun and safe. Eventually you may be glad she is there, especially if your ex is not particularly good with young children.

Do the children actually want to go? Remember, if they refuse, you cannot physically force them limb by limb. That would be an assault. If they are too sick to go, get a note from your GP on Monday recording that you visited with them.

You know that contact with the absent parent is good for children in the long term. Once you get over your pain and you too move on, you will enjoy the break from childcare and be happy that your children have a relationship with both parents. It is always difficult in the beginning, especially as your ex has a new relationship and as yet you have not found someone new. When you do, or as you look, you will be glad that there are times for you and your new man, without childcare responsibilities.

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