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When it's crap, but they're in counselling, and it's hard to tell whether to leave or stay

(10 Posts)
reelingalittlebit Sun 21-Oct-12 22:00:58

I have read so many threads on here (NC btw) and have wondered when I'd end up posting, sadly tonight is my night.

I am married, have 1 DC and 1 DSC, my H has a very unhappy relationship with parents, this reared its head in our lives following a trauma, he is in counselling and some of it is hard for him, but it is soooo hard being married like this. He is not a typical twunt, because he is hands-on with kids, happy to share housework etc. But he doesn't take any initiative in the home, so everything is left for me to drive, and he sometimes gets hostile/verbally aggressive in rows.

I don't know if I should bail or give his counselling more time.

I could leave, I have a bit of cash, but I get upset as presumably DC and DSC won't both come with me, which is what always makes me stay.

I walk on eggshells if I'm honest. The relationship as it stands is pretty moribund, but will counselling work? I had a lot of counselling myself and am quite different to before, but I fear that he will spend a fortune on counseling and still be just the same afterwards. I want to leave but feel like a bitch saying that when he is clearly in pain and it would separate the siblings (I assume) which just seems so harsh for them.

reelingalittlebit Sun 21-Oct-12 22:48:11

Just a bump to see if anyone has any thoughts. Been a spectacularly crap evening and I just don't know what to do for the best.

Chubfuddler Sun 21-Oct-12 22:50:32

I feel feel feel for you. My husband is in torment at memories of his childhood. Things are hard. I don't know the answer.

Spero Sun 21-Oct-12 22:52:40

Give it a go, but give it a time limit. I don't think you should stay in a crap relationship indefinitely but nor do I think you should give up without a fight, particularly not when children are involved.

But you sound like you are half way out of the door already... If you do go for counselling, don't be half hearted. If you have already made a decision, maybe you need to stick with it.

cestlavielife Sun 21-Oct-12 22:54:24

You are not obliged to live with someone who is hostile and verbally aggressive .

He should take it out in during his therapy sessions not on you .

reelingalittlebit Sun 21-Oct-12 22:54:45

Oh thank you for replying! Sorry to hear this is happening to you and your husband too. I fear I will never find an answer, and wake up 50 and bitter.

reelingalittlebit Sun 21-Oct-12 22:58:18

Spero I did set a time limit, which has passed, but things changed so it was not really applicable anymore. He has now cut contact with his family, which is brutally hard but probably necessary for him to have space to reflect on himself. I guess I do sound 'one foot out the door' - my husband feels this too.

I do wonder if full on counselling is compatible with family life. When I did mine, I was single - when it was painful, I could hide under the duvet.

Chubfuddler Sun 21-Oct-12 23:02:36

My husband refuses to have counselling. Reading what you have to say I'm starting to think he's right.

They fuck you up your mum and dad, don't they?

ThistlePetal Sun 21-Oct-12 23:13:28

Sorry to read about your situation, reeling. It does sound as if you've reached a point where you either stay or go, but you need to make sure you'd be leaving for the right reasons.

I hear what you're saying about counselling vs family life, but would you and DH consider couples counselling? It's one thing your DH working on his own issues, but you might both benefit from some help to unpick the impact of his issues and behaviour on your relationship. Perhaps you could also explore whether it is the potential splitting of your DCs which is the only thing keeping you in the marriage, or whether there is more to stay for.

Good luck with your decision x

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 22-Oct-12 06:13:31

I think, once someone becomes hostile & aggressive towards you and/or the rest of the family, that is the time when personal problems or health issues stop being a legitimate excuse and your obligation to them ceases. He may not have a choice in how he feels about the past but he has a choice in how he behaves towards you today. Counselling may or may not work but, in the meantime, you should not feel you have to tolerate the fall-out.

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