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Hollow laugh from the OW

(582 Posts)
Dandythelion Sun 21-Oct-12 21:22:19

I was the OW. As well as sweeping me off my naive feet into a 50 shades type sexual thrall, he convinced me that the marriage was dead, he'd hated her for years, he only stayed because he felt sorry she was going bald (!), they only had pity sex, she was horribly unstable and always threatening suicide, was a total hypochondriac, terrible mother, educationally bereft, emotionally subnormal and socially inept.

He made me feel absolutely beautiful and special and I couldn't do without it, nobody can make you feel better than an emotionally abusive man, it's almost an art form. They get inside your head and worm out your deepest dreams and promise to make them all come true. Then he makes them almost come true, but just dangles perfection out of reach.

You'll go mad trying to get there and you won't have the sense you were born with, the madness takes you over and morality won't enter it because you want to believe the fantasy more than you will listen to friends, family, conscience.

For all the wives who've been left by this type, sleep a little better knowing that less than two years on, the beautiful clever perfect wam they left you for discovers he's pulling the same stunt on new woman, and suddenly it's easy to see why the mental health issues arose.

Don't waste time begging him to come back, he has a cock where a heart should be and doesn't say a word that hasn't been carefully chosen to get exactly what he wants.

Thought it might give a wry smile tp those who have been there.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Sun 21-Oct-12 21:26:16

Life's a bitch, eh ?

SavoyCabbage Sun 21-Oct-12 21:27:42

Well of course he is going to do the same thing to you!hmm This is not news I'm afraid.

BinksToEnlightenment Sun 21-Oct-12 21:29:47

True dat

Dandythelion Sun 21-Oct-12 21:30:22

Well I don't need sympathy that's for sure, and in some ways it wad a good thing as it forced me into some much needed therapy. I guess the point was more that all the posters who've said they had no idea anything was wrong just didn't know what they were up against in terms of how the marriage was portrayed by someone who's emotionally dead. That was all.

Bogeyface Sun 21-Oct-12 21:32:16

I appreciate your honesty in how you got involved but, at the end of the day he was married to someone else, and regardless of her "problems", he wasnt yours to have was he? So you need to question why you totally disregarded that and went with him anyway. You say that had you in his thrall, but you have a mind of your own, you could have said no.

Why did you think it was ok to have sex with another womans husband? Presumably there was a point before the affair started, before you were in his sexual clutches, why didnt you walk away? You could have done.

Is it because basically, you wanted him and didnt care about the fact that he wasnt yours to have?

Arthurfowlersallotment Sun 21-Oct-12 21:35:43

Well there you are.

OneMoreGo Sun 21-Oct-12 21:35:46

This: "He made me feel absolutely beautiful and special and I couldn't do without it, nobody can make you feel better than an emotionally abusive man, it's almost an art form. They get inside your head and worm out your deepest dreams and promise to make them all come true. Then he makes them almost come true, but just dangles perfection out of reach.

You'll go mad trying to get there and you won't have the sense you were born with"

Just, this. This goes for all men (or indeed women) like this, whether married divorced or single. The one who plouged through my heart and life two years ago has been on my mind a bit today, just musing on what I ever saw in him. But the above paragraph? Completely captures the problem with these people.
Horrible, horrible conscienceless twats that they are.

waltermittymissus Sun 21-Oct-12 21:35:50

You can only speak of your experience though.

I'm glad you're not looking for sympathy because I don't think you'll get any.

I can't see this ending well. Why have you posted this?

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Sun 21-Oct-12 21:38:05

Perhaps Op is missing the sado masochism she enjoyed with her married man, and is looking for a more cerebral flaying on this thread. I understand it can be very addictive.

Bogeyface Sun 21-Oct-12 21:38:27

I also take issue with "emotionally abusive".

He wasnt EA when you were shagging him was he? But suddenly he was when he left you? Cheating on someone, lying to them and dumping them doesnt make someone EA. Makes them a shit, a dickhead and bastard, but not EA.

Seems like you want to blame him for the fact that you were the Other Woman, but he didnt make you fuck him did he?

Mayisout Sun 21-Oct-12 21:39:51

Having read how manipulative the one having the affair can be I spose it's not a surprise that they use these skills with the OW/OM.

Slagging the OP means you could be sympathising with the poor DH/DW lead astray by the evil OM/OW and we all know that is a wrong assumption.

Bogeyface Sun 21-Oct-12 21:41:40

Well I dont think that the husband was led astray at all, he sounds like a right tool. But I also dont think that the OP can try and say that it was all his fault, that she was manipulated into it etc. She could have said no, she didnt. She is as much at fault as he is.

Dandythelion Sun 21-Oct-12 21:41:41

Good questions and fair ones too. No, sadly all down to horribly low self esteem despite outward trappings which made me want to believe what he said. He always maintained the marriage was dead in the water, that it was just a question of practicalities.

Yes, absolutely he was someone else's husband. But the way he spoke and made me feel was much more that we were the star crossed soulmates born to meet and be with each other. Very very powerful stuff, or maybe not if you're more cynical than I used to be.

I felt very many things but not once that I could walk away. I believed that we were meant for each other too.

So yes, I had sex with another woman's husband and yes, I thought it was ok.

Then, that is.

waltermittymissus Sun 21-Oct-12 21:42:09

I think it's safe to say they're both total shits!

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker Sun 21-Oct-12 21:44:09

Until he dumped you.

And now it is wrong.

if he had left his wife for you, would you be saying now how wrong you were ?

or would this be a star-crossed lover's tale come to fruition, and the wife can go fuck herself

angelpinkcar Sun 21-Oct-12 21:47:34

Sorry you won't get much sympathy on here if you are the OW or have been.

RyleDup Sun 21-Oct-12 21:47:46

He was married to someone else. What do you expect? I would never go near another womens husband unless he had left them and moved out. Its just not cricket is it. You got what you deserved.

Sassybeast Sun 21-Oct-12 21:48:32

Karma is a wonderful thing. Glad you got dumped OP. Try and find yourself your OWN man next time eh? wink

izzyizin Sun 21-Oct-12 21:48:57

So did he leave his balding, unstable, emotionally subnormal etc etc wife for you?

Or did he continue to give her pity fucks while shagging you on the side?

Dandythelion Sun 21-Oct-12 21:49:25

'wasn't mine to have' no, he made it absolutely clear that I could have him anytime I wanted, that it wad I who had him in thrall etc. He was as unforbidden a fruit as you can imagine.

One more go. Quite.

Walter because I read several threads which reminded me of the way he portrayed his marriage versus the way his wife perceived it.

I certainly don't think it was all his 'fault' of course I see I behaved abominably. But I'm afraid you're wrong in that he chose and groomed sp carefully that I really didn't think 'no' was an option. I realise that this is an ugly thing to hear, but it's my truth.

Mayisout Sun 21-Oct-12 21:51:18

or would this be a star-crossed lovers tale come to fruition, and the wife can go fuck herself

No, manipulative fuckwit moving onto his next victim. I mean how long would it have taken before the pattern repeated itself? ie is bereft DW

But probably once OP deals with, or at least is aware of, her self-esteem issues due to this relationship it won't happen again and she can move onto better things. (Hopefully DW has moved on too or DH has changed)

ToothbrushThief Sun 21-Oct-12 21:51:28

I always wonder about OWs. tbh I assume they either are cold and selfish individuals putting themselves first or women with such low self esteem they accept a man who'd cheat on a wife.....or convinced this is it the grand passion of their life.....

I can't say I feel sympathetic because you're an adult making decisions. Those decisions impact on others. Hopefully you have learnt from this?

waltermittymissus Sun 21-Oct-12 21:52:55

I honestly have no clue what you're talking about OP and I'm not trying to be flippant.

Of course you could say no. Unless you're saying that you were forced which is an entirely different thing.

usualsuspect3 Sun 21-Oct-12 21:53:32

Oh well.

You reap what you sow and all that.

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