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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Husband left me for another woman

(18 Posts)
Arita5 Sun 21-Oct-12 18:31:20

I feel so lost. My husband walked out on me and our 4 and a half month old dd 3 weeks ago. It is so out of character that every single person who knows him - family and friends - assumed he'd had some sort of breakdown. We've been together 10 years and married for 3. I thought he was one of the most honest, decent, sweet men I'd ever met. We have so much in common and until recently have been perfectly happy. He told me in no time at all that he didn't love me and was gone. He has now moved in with a woman he works with and told me they have been seeing each other since our dd was 3 weeks old. This is something I would never have suspected in a million years and has left me completely broken. He says he stopped loving me when she confessed her feelings for him - I was 7 months pregnant at the time. Initially I thought the stress of having a child and moving house (and living with my parents) must have caused something in him to snap but having spoken to him a few times I've changed my mind. His family and friends have all tried to convince him that he is making a massive mistake but none of it has any impact on him. I have tried too and suggested counselling but he's not interested. He looks like a ghost, doesn't cry or show any remorse for turning everyone's world's upside down or abandoning his child. I am trying to be strong for dd's sake but it's so hard. If I'm honest with myself I still want him to turn around and say he went mad and he wants to come home. Any advice or commiserations appreciated.

HedgeHogGroup Sun 21-Oct-12 18:56:11

Bless you! I'm no expert but I didn't want to leave your post unanswered!

In my experience, when you have a little one you need someone who can offer unconditional emotional & physical support. If he can't get his head around that then he's a fuckwit and you're better off without him (although I bet it doesn't seem like that now!)

Use the support of your RL friends and Family that is offered and prove to him that you can manage on your own - that'll piss him off more than anything else!

BumpingFuglies Sun 21-Oct-12 18:57:18

So sorry Arita, must be an awful shock for you. The fact that he's moved in with the OW speaks volumes though. You're going to need time and support - have you got family and friends around you? Have you spoken about him seeing your dd?

Please hang on to your dignity though. Don't go chasing him or expecting him to come crawling back - you really do deserve better.

<holds hand>

fortyplus Sun 21-Oct-12 19:00:59

He's acted very strangely, that's for sure. Few people would move in with someone they'd only been in a relationship with for a couple of weeks. It sounds as though he's got cold feet about the baby and simply run away. It's incredibly immature behaviour. He'll probably want to slink back with his tail between his legs in a few months' time, but don't let him. You deserve better.

Jemma1111 Sun 21-Oct-12 19:05:28

Sorry you are going through this, been there myself so I know how devastated you must be feeling. Please lean on your family and friends for support and I promise you will get through it .

You should also make sure you keep any important documents at someone elses house as your H could come back snooping for things.
Honestly you will one day realize you deserve better than a twat like him who can so easily leave you literally holding the baby, he will regret it.

Arita5 Sun 21-Oct-12 19:26:35

Thanks all for your messages - really appreciate it.
I feel like I have managed to keep my dignity so far - apart from the odd potty-mouthed outburst. I've done my falling apart away from him thankfully and don't answer most of his texts or pick up his calls.
We've agreed that he'll see her once a week at the moment.
I've got amazing family and friends, but right now I just want to be "anywhere but here".
Oh and luckily as still at my parents, all our docs are there and I have the keys to the storage room where we have all our stuff!

Offred Sun 21-Oct-12 19:33:21

I agree it sounds like he has just run away from marriage and children. What a coward. sadangry

I agree with all the advice that says you shouldn't take him back if he one day (after ow gets pg probably) decides to come back. I know it must be hard for you all to reconcile what he has done with who you thought he was but please trust that this is not him going mad but him showing you who he really is. You deserve much better (and will certainly one day have it) and he very likely will waste his whole life running away from one thing or another.

MyDonkeysAZombie Sun 21-Oct-12 19:39:14

I am sorry what a terrible shock. Thank goodness you have plenty of rl support. As he has evidently lied and cheated on you I'm afraid you can't trust anything he says to you from now on. He may promise to keep you and DC financially secure but be wary of what he tells you. Good idea to limit contact.

Please seek legal advice. Well done not begging him to come back he already knows how upset you were. He will justify this rapid exit as a clean break so he can experience the happiness he deserves. Sadly there is a "cheaters' script" which is often trotted out. Moving out and relegating you and your baby in his list of priorities is him brazening it out. Devastating as this is, it will in time prove less traumatic than if he were to yoyo in and out of your life.

deliasmithy Sun 21-Oct-12 19:57:01

Really sorry to hear what's happened.

I have to agree with others that his actions have been very cowardly, and really, against the entire point of marriage. It's not like he was feeling unhappy in the marriage, confided in you, gave it time to work, and then called it a day, and then met someone else. Or, that a colleague came onto him, he recognised he was interested and therefore needed to speak to you about it, etc. Could you really ever trust this man again? He has behaved very selfishly.

The feeling as you say, of partly wishing he would turn around and say he wants to come back - well lets say he does? The problem is, you can't 'un-know' what he has done, that at a time when his life should have been revolving around his wife and baby, it wasn't, that he clearly makes decisions with his willy, not his head.

MolotovBomb Sun 21-Oct-12 20:21:21

Oh, you poor thing sad How awful for this to happen now, after your DD has been born. I can only imagine how deeply and manifestly hurt you are.

I agree with what has been said upthread about your DH behaving in a cowardly manner now that fatherhood is upon him. I also think that he has gone for the instant gratification that a new shag relationship provides. How dare he treat you this way. How dare he go near her when you needed him. How dare he break your relationship and abuse you at a very vulnerable time.

He's being cold to you because he knows he's a fucking pig. It's not you, so please don't take any responsibility for his actions.

Your heart is undoubtedly broken and it's going to hurt getting over him. But if I were you, I wouldn't take him back (and he will want to come back eventually). What he's done is so catastrophic and so hurtful and so disrespectful, how could you ever bebwith him again?

He's put this OW before you. He's put her before your DD.

Let him suffer the consequences. You'll find another man who will deserve the love of you and your DD. Meanwhile, I'd find out what your rights are, financially speaking, and has little to do with the fuck-pig as possible.

I sincerely hope it all works out and that you're okay.

You will be okay x

Arita5 Sun 21-Oct-12 20:50:32

I'm so glad I posted on here - you have all made me feel stronger. MolotovBomb you put it perfectly!! I just keep saying to myself -"what kind of man would do this?". I know he'll have to wake up one day and feel all the pain that he's caused to everyone. I also know it's the scared part of me that wants him to come back. Grrr cannot believe this is happening, but at least I have the most beautiful baby to distract me.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 21-Oct-12 21:00:29

My experience is that you can never really be sure how someone else is feeling. Most of us in the Jilted Wives Club think we're 'perfectly happy' and that we know our partner incredibly well until we get told that they've had their doubts for months/years and have decided to leave. You can drive yourself mad wondering what happened, when and why... so I'd suggest you don't try that. You can also drive yourself mad hoping they'll walk back through the door and say it's all been a big mistake. Must be particularly hard for you having just had a baby and especially difficult having to keep up with those weekly visits. It's so much easier when they bugger off never to be seen again.

Best tip..... keep taking a pace forward whenever you get the chance. You've got a rocky time ahead and you need to look after yourself as top priority. But any chance you get to take a step away from him & from the past and towards the future... grab it with both hands. Good luck

carlywurly Sun 21-Oct-12 21:19:32

How awful for you, OP. It must be completely bewildering and certainly doesn't sound as though he's happy. How could he be? The key thing is that you don't hang fire with your own life waiting for him to have the big wake up call. It might never come. His massive loss.

And I really like that tip, cogito smile It's what I do, and need to keep reminding myself to do.

panicnotanymore Sun 21-Oct-12 22:00:14

I cant believe some men - unbelievable. Stay strong, and see a lawyer asap regarding finances etc. I second the looking after yourself line. Try to eat and sleep, and get some exercise. Stay healthy for yourself and your baby, as it will get worse before it gets better.... but it WILL get better.

SanctuaryMoon Sun 21-Oct-12 22:07:50

Very sorry to hear this, i have no advice but no doubt you will receive plenty of support here.

olgaga Sun 21-Oct-12 22:52:57

Read this, you'll find it useful:

Relationship Breakdown and Divorce – Advice and Links

It is useful if you can get to grips with the language of family law and procedure, and get an understanding of your rights, BEFORE you see a solicitor. If you are well prepared you will save time and money.

Children

If there are children involved, their welfare, needs and interests are paramount. Parents have responsibilities, not rights, in this regard. Shared residence means both parties having an equal interest in the upbringing of the children. It does not mean equal (50/50) parenting time - children are not possessions to be “fairly” divided between separating parents.

A divorce will not be granted where children are involved unless there are agreed arrangements for finance, and care of the children (“Statement of Arrangements for Children”). It is obviously quicker and cheaper if this can be agreed but if there is no agreement, the Court will make an Order - “Residence and Contact” regarding children, “Financial Order” or “Ancillary Relief” in the case of Finance. Information and links to these can be found in the Directgov link below. Residence and Contact Orders are likely to be renamed Child Arrangements Orders in future.

Always see a specialist family lawyer!

Get word of mouth recommendations for family lawyers in your area if possible. If you have children at school, ask mums you are friendly with if they know of anyone who can make a recommendation in your area. These days there are few people who don’t know of anyone who has been through a divorce or separation – there’s a lot of knowledge and support out there!

Many family lawyers will offer the first half hour consultation free. Make use of this. Don’t just stick with the first lawyer you find – shop around and find someone you feel comfortable with. You may be in for a long haul, so it helps if you can find a solicitor you’re happy with.

If you can’t find any local recommendations, always see a solicitor who specialises in Family Law.

You can also find out about Legal Aid and get advice on the Community Legal Advice Helpline on 08345 345 4 345
www.direct.gov.uk/en/Dl1/Directories/UsefulContactsByCategory/Governmentcitizensandrightscontacts/DG_195356

Or search in your area for Community Legal Advisors:
legaladviserfinder.justice.gov.uk/AdviserSearch.do

Co-operative Legal Services offer DIY/Self-Help Divorce packages, as well as a Managed Divorce service. Their fee structure is more transparent and they have a telephone advice line as well as offering really good advice on their website:
www.co-operative.coop/legalservices/family-and-relationships/

You can read advice and search by area for a family lawyer here:
www.resolution.org.uk/

You will also read good advice and find a family lawyer here:
www.divorceaid.co.uk/

Some family law solicitors publish online feedback from clients – Google solicitors to see if you can find any recommendations or feedback.

Mediation

You will be encouraged to attend mediation. This can help by encouraging discussion about arrangements for children and finance in a structured way in a neutral setting. However, it only works if both parties are willing to reach agreement.

If there has been violence or emotional abuse, discuss this with your solicitor first. Always get legal advice, or at the very least make sure you are aware of your legal rights, before you begin mediation. This is important because while a Mediator should have knowledge of family law, and will often explain family law, they are not there to give tailored legal advice to either party - so it’s important to have that first.

Married or Living Together?

This is a key question, because if you are married, generally speaking you have greater protection when a relationship breaks down.

Legal Issues around marriage/cohabitation and relationship breakdown are explained here:
www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_living_together_marriage_and_civil_partnership_e/living_together_and_marriage_legal_differences.htm#Ending_a_relationship

www.advicenow.org.uk/living-together/

DirectGov advice on divorce, separation and relationship breakdown:
www.direct.gov.uk/en/Governmentcitizensandrights/Divorceseparationandrelationshipbreakdown/index.htm

Legal Rights and issues around contact are further explained here:
www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/legal.php#children_relationship_breakdown
www.maypole.org.uk/

I found these guides from law firms quite informative and easy to read – there are others of course:

www.family-lawfirm.co.uk/uploaded/documents/Surviving-Family-Conflict-and-Divorce---2nd-edition.pdf

www.terry.co.uk/hindex.html

Finance

Before you see a family law solicitor, get hold of every single piece of financial information you have access to, and take copies or make notes. Wage slips, P60s, tax returns, employment contracts, pensions and other statements – savings, current account and mortgages, deeds, rental leases, utility bills, council tax bills, credit statements. Are there joint assets such as a home, pensions, savings, shares?

If you have no access to financial information, or you are aware that assets are being hidden from you, then obviously you will not be able to reach agreement on finances. If there are children, as you cannot divorce without adequate arrangements being agreed on finance and children, you will have to apply for a financial order anyway. If there are no children, and you are unable to agree on finances, you will also have to apply for a financial order (follow the Direct.gov links below). This seeks financial information from both parties going back 12 months. So it is in your interests to act quickly once you have made the decision to divorce.

If you are married, the main considerations of the Family Courts where parties are unable to agree a settlement are (in no particular order of priority):

1.The welfare of any minor children from the marriage.
2.The value of jointly and individually owned property and other assets and the financial needs, obligation and responsibilities of each party.
3.Any debts or liabilities of the parties.
4.Pension arrangements for each of the parties, including future pension values and any value to each of the parties of any benefit they may lose as a result of the divorce.
5.The earnings and earning potential of each of the parties.
6.Standard of living enjoyed during the marriage.
7.The age of the parties and duration of the marriage.
8.Any physical or mental disability of either of the parties.
9.Contributions that each party may have made to the marriage, either financially or by looking after the house and/or caring for the family.

CSA maintenance calculator:
www.csacalculator.dsdni.gov.uk/calc.asp

Handy tax credits calculator:
www.hmrc.gov.uk/taxcredits/payments-entitlement/entitlement/question-how-much.htm#7

Handy 5 Minute benefit check, tax and housing benefit calculators:
www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/

CAB Benefits Check:
www.citizensadvice.co.uk/getadvice/benefit-calculator/A2B-Benefit-Calculator/#730

Parenting issues:
www.familylives.org.uk
www.theparentconnection.org.uk

Other Support for Women – Children, Housing, Domestic Violence
www.womensaid.org.uk/ and refuge.org.uk/ - Helpline 0808 2000 247
www.ncdv.org.uk/ - Helpline 0844 8044 999
www.gingerbread.org.uk/ - Helpline 0808 802 0925
Housing www.england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/families_and_relationships/relationship_breakdown
(Note that there is usually an appropriate link on these websites for England, Wales and Scotland where the law, advice and contact information may differ.

fortyplus Sun 21-Oct-12 23:17:02

Wow! What a load of great advice. Well done olgaga smile

Arita5 Mon 22-Oct-12 10:25:56

Thanks Olgaga - will read through.

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