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Grieving the man he was and the relationship we had - any sage advice?

(5 Posts)
Schnitzel Sun 21-Oct-12 17:25:57

I've been separated from my partner for several months now due to a multitude of reasons. I say separated, but I'm still emotionally (not physically) involved. We have a small child who lives with me and because where my partner is temporarily staying is not suitable to take our child, he is having to come to our flat to see him until he gets a permanent place. Neither of us are in new relationships.

I'm clearly aware that this is a no-no and I shouldn't allow this. Unfortunately there doesn't appear to be a straightforward alternative currently.

Although our incompatibility is so apparent and my head's telling me that we won't ever be able to figure our problems out and make it work, I still have such feelings for him that I can't seem to shake off and am finding it hard to move on.

However, the point of my post is: What I am finding it so, so difficult to deal with is the way he is with me - one minute being civil but the next showing me utter distain and contempt. It's as if he has absolutely zero respect for me any more. HOW can a man who once adored me and was so soft and loving with me have turned into such a cold, seemingly unfeeling man? It's just so devastating. I am grieving (and I would explain it as grieving) the man he used to be and grieving the relationship we used to have. Having read a lot of the posts on here, it is hard for me to say this, but I do feel that he has (and continues to be) been emotional abusive to me. This is VERY hard for me to admit and I've tried to deny it because I'm clinging onto the memory of the man he was when I met him. I still love him so much.

Has anyone ever felt the same way but managed to get over these feelings of deep grief and sadness and move on in the end?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 21-Oct-12 17:48:52

I do sympathise. I think it's telling that you believe he was emotionally abusive towards you because I understand that experience. By which I mean that because, in an EA relationship you spend a disproportionate amount of your time trying to make this person who is never happy happy, clinging onto the memory of when you first met, you find you have sacrificed more of yourself than you think. So when they cut off their affection I think it's as big a shock but more crushing than if you'd been in something more evenly balanced.

What you're experiencing now is also emotional abuse. The hot/cold thing is pretty classic and all it says is that he can't be bothered to even keep up the pretence any more. So you have to get him out of your home, but you know that already. Meet at a neutral location where you can wander off rather than have to sit and tolerate the abuse. Sever contact for all but essentials to do with your DC.

I got over the deep grief and sadness once I started feeling genuinely angry with my ex. But I was so used to making excuses for his behaviour by then and so used to giving him the benefit of the doubt that it took a long, long time to get out of the habit.

skyebluezombie Sun 21-Oct-12 17:51:20

know exactly how you feel and still feeling it im afraid. Been separated for 6 months, divorce due any day now. (7th anniversary would have been tomorrow, so having a bad day).

All I can echo is what everybody says to me. Its just a grieving process that you have to go through and that time is honestly the only thing that will help. But its very hard waiting for that time to come.

i still love my STBXH despite the face that he walked out on me and 4yo DD. I wish there was a magic switch to turn love off, but sadly there isn't.

All you can do is remember the bad reasons why you shouldnt be together and not dwell on the good times. My STBXH is also a totally different person now, cold heartless and unfeeling. It seems that they have to be that way in order to be able to walk away.

So - really - advice is to stop thinking of what used to be and think of what he has become. You would not want a relationship with that person would you. But I know how hard it is sad

DoubleYew Sun 21-Oct-12 18:20:50

Time and Women's Aid. Even if you don't need help with a refuge etc they can talk through with you a way to minimise contact with him. It will free you from worrying about his mood.

How old is dc? Meet him in town so they can go swimming, library, park, soft play, playgroup, free museum, cinema, whatever is appropriate. Use that time to do something for yourself. Its up to him to get a place suitable for contact.

Family Mediation also could help, even if he won't gp they can do one to one sessions with you to help you put dc's needs first

Schnitzel Mon 22-Oct-12 12:54:44

Thank you for the responses. skyebluezombie I hope you're having a better day today.

I think I do need to put my foot down don't I and say that he has to pick my son up and drop him off and not come in the flat. He should have figured out a suitable place to live by now.

My ex is in a bad place (very depressed himself etc.) but this is no reason to be verbally abusive to me is it. I feel so, so sad that he has turned into this person. For him, not just for me. I can't seem to let go and let him go.

In a way though, he is sort of having his cake and eating it. He can dip into the "family life" when he comes to the flat and then go on his jolly way back to the flat where he is staying with a friend.

I need to get mad, not sad.

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